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To be livid with DS?

(155 Posts)
Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 00:54:22

Sorry. This is ranty & long.

DS (16) has a GF (also 16). They have been on a total of 5 dates, the last 2 of which have been at my house. Two weeks ago, whilst supposedly babysitting for younger DS, the 2 of them locked themselves away in his room & had sex. Youngest DS left to his own devices doing lord knows what (he's 12). I was angry when I found out because whilst I appreciate they are both of age, there is a time & a place & DS was supposed to be responsible for younger brother. Also, I feel that at their age, 5 dates is way too few for them to behave as though they have the right to do whatever they like in my home.

We talked it through & I believed DS had understood how irresponsible & disrespectful he had been. We specifically talked about how it isn't ok to be getting on when youngest DS or DH & I are at home. I also said I felt they didn't really know each other yet either & he should think about that before being driven by his hormones.

This evening, GF comes over & DS repeatedly asks me if they can go upstairs. I say no, they can hang out in the den (old playroom now teen-space). DS keeps the door shut & we don't think too much of it as we are literally no more than 5 metres away from them in the kitchen (oh how fucking niaive am I??!!). Then GF appears in hallway, grins at us (we were in the kitchen), grabs handful of tissue from downstairs loo & retreats back to den. DH & I exchange looks of "WTAF" & are rendered speechless. We confront DS after she left & he 'fesses up...not before doing his best Bill Clinton denials.

I am livid. I feel they have both behaved disrespectfully & deliberately gone against my rules. It is my understanding that her parents are very strict & would also be furious to hear this. I actually don't know how to take this forward from here.

BoopTheSnoot Sun 02-Oct-16 00:58:30

Hmm it's a tough one. They are both of age, but it is your house and your rules. You explicitly asked him not to do that kind of thing under a certain set of circumstances and explained about appropriate behaviours when others are around.
That being said, at 16 people rarely consider the full consequences of their actions.
However, given what's been said and done I think YABU and I would be pretty annoyed too. Maybe no more GF visits to your house until they can respect your house rules?

BoopTheSnoot Sun 02-Oct-16 00:59:10

That should be YANBU

QueenLizIII Sun 02-Oct-16 01:00:45

Just ban her from coming around. I wasnt allowed boys over at home at that age. My mum would have knocked me into next week.

Let her mother deal with them.

ollieplimsoles Sun 02-Oct-16 01:03:43

Hmm tough one op, I presume you have spoken to him about safe sex and all that? You sound like a really lenient, understanding mum, but they are taking the piss a bit imo...

You trusted them to babysit and they do that? Not very nice at all.


Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:03:44

Boop I was thinking the same about no home-based dates. It is tricky & I have tried to be as "cool" as I can be about it. We talk very openly & I've explained that it really is his decision to make etc. It just riles me that they could be so bloody blatant about it. Like a "fuck you" to my home & rules.

BoopTheSnoot Sun 02-Oct-16 01:04:21

I agree Queen I wonder if her mother knows what they're up to? I assume she wouldn't be too pleased about it either!

Queenbean Sun 02-Oct-16 01:04:35

Don't let her around anymore, they have disrespected your rules. Also ewwww at having sex just a few metres from your parents.

But at 12 does your other child really need constant supervision? Surely he can be left to his own devices a bit?

MothersGrim Sun 02-Oct-16 01:04:52

I'd just ban her from coming over again. You tried to sit down, chat and set boundaries and it didn't work. What they did is revolting. Clearly, there's no boundaries that will work.

I'd let them canoodle in a cold park or field. Staying awake until 3am to do anything discreetly won't feel like a hardship after that. I'd probably reconsider at Christmas - season of good will etc.

Amelie10 Sun 02-Oct-16 01:05:26

Yanbu, rude and disrespectful shits the both of them. Your Ds really doesn't respect your home or you and your DH. He may be of age but he's still a child and thinks he's too damn big. And what a cheeky thing the gf is to be walking around grinning after that. Tell her parents what she's like, they should be ashamed of her behavior as well.
Your DS really has a damn cheek to be openly having sex in your home as if he is a bloody adult.

BoopTheSnoot Sun 02-Oct-16 01:05:27

You're right OP it's not on. It's quite disrespectful of them both

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:05:36

Queen - my mum was the same. But that's really spurred me to be much more tolerant with my own DCs. But clearly that's backfiring on me now.

QueenLizIII Sun 02-Oct-16 01:07:49

I am not pearl clutching at all and am as liberal as they come. But they have been on FIVE dates. FIVE

And they have already fucked in your house twice with a 12 yo present. Hell no. Dont allow that.

I think I got short shrift on here for sleeping with a man within a few dates and then it going bust. Don't go in so early was the advice and I am far far older than 16.

They aren't a couple. They've had 5 dates.

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:07:58

Ollie - yep lots of safe sex convos (even as recently as this afternoon when I was reminding him of the rules)

Youngest DS doesn't need constant supervision but I think it's more that it was inappropriate timing.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 02-Oct-16 01:08:23

No closed doors in any room whilst any family member is in the house.
If they're home and a door is closed, open it. You don't have to look.

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:09:22

Amelie - I agree. Her parents would be livid.

MothersGrim Sun 02-Oct-16 01:10:18

I wouldn't tell her parents though.

DixieWishbone Sun 02-Oct-16 01:10:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLizIII Sun 02-Oct-16 01:11:02

Tell her parents and say I dont appreciate your DD thinking it's a big joke to have sex in my home when we've asked them not to: can you check she is taking precautions, etc.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 02-Oct-16 01:11:08

That's a good point. If a mother was shagging at home with a new partner while children were present and awake? She's have her arse handed to get in a plate.

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:12:38

Giddy - when I do allow her to come here again, I will be insisting on open doors. I think I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do. And my mouth cannot be trusted to engage with brain when the rage hits & so I had to keep quiet at that point.

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:14:03

Dixie grin. OMG that would be worth the embarrassing sound effects to see their reaction 😆

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:15:33

Telling the parents is a tough one. On the one hand I think it's not my place. On the other, their daughter has behaved very disrespectfully in my home.

QueenLizIII Sun 02-Oct-16 01:15:36

Yeah when you do let them back in, go to your room and fake having the loudest sex possible and leave a tube of KY in the bathroom.

They think it is disgusting: well tell them so are they.

Ujjayi Sun 02-Oct-16 01:16:25

Giddy - excellent point about "mother & new partner" scenario.

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