AIBU/WWYD Housing Situation/Possible Relocation(18 Posts)
name changed as possibly identifying...
AIBU to be this worried? Please tell me where better to post if this isn't the right place/I have better chance of getting more info as I'm a long time lurker but not posted much.
DH and I have been given 6 months notice to leave our privately rented property as it's being sold. I'm 19 wks pregnant and my baby is due 4 weeks before our leaving date. I'm worried because:
1. There is a huge lack of housing where I live. I don't live in mainland UK. We waited 5 years living with DH's parents until we managed to get this house. We can't move back in with them even though their place is big enough because we now have a dog and they're not allowed dogs in their property. I should also mention the council where we live are very unhelpful and have said they could house us when we present them with the baby's birth certificate and even then it may be the mainland! Which links to point 4.
2. Therefore, we may have to relocate to mainland UK. We don't want to as we love where we live and we have family support, but if we have to we have to.
3. We have enough money for a deposit for a house but can't get a mortgage where we live as house prices are ridiculous and we don't earn enough, which leads me to:
4. DH has aspergers, depression and anxiety. He has had a lot of time of work (4 months, still employed but on sick pay) off sick for stress/depression. He is going to find it impossible to get a job, travel to interviews, and perform well in them. So although we could in theory move and buy somewhere, in practice it is going to be borderline impossible. I know I can get a job, I've been offered interviews in the past when we were thinking about relocating a few years ago.
My baby will be born and within a month of this we will need to move. I usually end up doing all of the packing/cleaning etc and am really worried that I'm going to struggle with trying to juggle everything, and also that DH and his parents aren't really thinking about what we're going to do when our tenancy ends - they keep saying 6 months is ages away, but I can't stop worrying! I feel like they're on another planet, they have no urgency and are the kind of people that say things work themselves out in the end. I need a bit more control than that! I'm also worried that if DH can't get a job I won't be able to take all of my maternity allowance as it won't be enough to support us. I don't know what DH would be entitled to if he can't find work, and anyway one of us would need to be home to look after the baby and dog as we wouldn't have our family around us to support us.
Sorry for the long post... just getting very worried now!
Moving to the mainland sounds hard at this point. If you can't find your own rental place within the 6 months, can you rehome the dog? Moving back to the inlaws might provide a reassuring backup plan...
Getting rid of the dog seems to be the obvious solution
Why did you get the dog in the first place?
DH grew up with dogs, we got the dog as at the time we were in a stable situation, I was struggling to conceive, and someone recommended it may help with his depression. To be fair, he has - he gets out of the house to walk him and things and he does seem to lift his mood. Him and his family love the dog to bits and have said there is no way they could ever rehome him. My husband said it would destroy him to even think about giving him up, and he doesn't really have anything else that motivates him enough to get him our of the house at the moment. He is very much DH's dog, although I love him too.
It sounds as if the worst case scenario would be that you have to move in with the parents temporarily whilst finding someone to look after the dog for a few months, because at this stage the baby will be born and you will be able to give the birth certificate to the Council. You don't have to give the dog up long term.
In the meantime you have the support of the family to help whilst you get everything else sorted, which is something a lot of people don't have.
It seems like your dh is the bottleneck here, you obviously feel you cannot share your anxieties with him for fear of making him feel worse and more depressed, which is not suprisingly a source of tension, and would make any expectant mother feel very very anxious herself. You cannot carry all the load here, whether he has AS or not.
There are also lots of good things going for you both. There is a baby coming, you obviously are very fond of the dog or you would have rehomed him in this situation, you are supportive of your husband, you have a helpful family, you love where you live atm (that is a happy environment which has nurtured you so far), and there is another six months secured. I would think the best thing is to concentrate on the positive things that you could do to reduce anxiety for you both. Start looking at mainland areas, get a feel for moving. Look forward to a new life together, if that is what happens. Lots of people have to move away from family when they start a family, for the exact same reasons as you, difficulty in finding affordable accommodation locally/and or suitable job. Start finding friends who might be prepared to foster dog for a few months (you can obviously still take dog for walks can't you?) Talk to your husband about possibly being the one who stays at home, try and sell it to him if that is what you want. It might suit him much better than an office environment - he might thrive being out in fresh air with baby and dog long term.
I'm obviously being a bit simplistic; it does sound very difficult, BUT there will be ways to approach it more positively. Has your husband been offered CBT? As someone with mild AS myself (and a son with Asperger's) it is extraordinarily helpful to look at things from a different end of the telescope. In the end the most important thing is that your baby is healthy. All other problems will seem minor if this happiness is granted. That's what you should be looking forward to.
Of course you shouldn't give up the dog long term.
I think however you should consider that a lot of people have to make the choice about where to live, based on affordability, and do not have the luxury of choosing to live next to family. It is sadly a very common scenario. You will manage. You will thrive. Is there any possibility of moving BEFORE baby is born, even if it just a month before, so you get the packing up out of the way, and it is not hanging over you?
If your husband has aspergers I could see how devastating it would be for him to lose the dog, and I'm sure it acts more as a therapy dog than a pet.
knittingwithnettles thank you, unfortunately not only do we live in a very small area where I don't know of anyone who would be able to temporarily foster our dog (due to work commitments etc) and we certainly don't have any charities/shelters around who could help. I'm so grateful for the family support, especially as a lot of people don't seem to get on so well with their in laws! I'm closer to mine than my own family. I've approached DH being a SAHD and he doesn't mind either way, but he does want me to take mat leave (which I couldn't do for more than a couple of months if he's at home too. I want to take as much as I can as this is my first and possibly last baby due to fertility issues). DH is going for CBT next week, he isn't looking forward to it but I'm going along to the centre with him for back up! I'm trying to stay positive, I've just been finding it a bit hard on occasions when no one will acknowledge my worries and they get brushed off.
Can you move to another private rental? Ask landlord to let you out of contract early due to circumstances?
I am also not on mainland UK, wonder if you are in same place? Can put feelers out for dog sitters etc if you are. IOW? PM me if you'd rather.
I could move before baby is born if needs be, our contract ends at the same time as we've been told we need to move out, so may have to pay rent for a few months but that's ok. I know we're very lucky to have been able to make this choice so far
Ahhhh, ok, can't be of much help in that regard then!
How long have you been in your house - do you have an assured shorthold tenancy? Can you give a month's notice? I know you said there are not many places to rent but if you can give notice you could start looking now and move before you have the baby, if you find somewhere.
Ah sorry I see you mentioned above about the end of your contract.
I think the council will house you somewhere once you have the baby though?
Until then pack as much of your stuff away in advance so there is as little as possible to do after baby is born. Don't buy much for baby, just the essentials for the first couple of weeks.
If the council can house you on your island is everything OK?
It's just if they house you on the mainland that your dh would need to find a new job and you'd lose your family support? In which case I would give up your dog and live with family until you are in a better position to move.
Obviously you don't want to do that, it is your choice, but with a new baby I would prioritise the baby's wellbeing by keeping your dh's job and family support over your dog.
Some will think that sounds heartless! But really, I would prioritise your baby and family stability.
The Council should house us when we have the baby, yes, hopefully. If they can house us where we live it's fine, no problems. I've carefully broached the subject of what would happen if we were faced with the possibility of having to give up our dog, because as you say the baby's needs come first, but it was met with 'we're definitely not going to do that' and 'we'll work it out together'. DH and his parents would rather move to the mainland than give up the dog!
I don't know what it's like off the mainland but maybe try contacting someone from council housing anyway and discuss the situation with them. Even without a baby if you are potentially homeless the council have a duty to house you (at least they do in my local authority)
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