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To limit chats with DP ex

(52 Posts)
Punkdupfish Sat 01-Oct-16 15:15:10

I have been with my DP for just over a year and living together 6 months. He has 2 DCs who stay at our home every other weekend and have done since last December.
Whilst I appreciate he has to have lots of contact with his ex for the children, it really upsets me that he has so much 'other' contact with her. Examples are chatting about her new baby, how did the birth go, weight if the baby, how is mum and baby. Chatting about her mum, her brother and other things they have in common from their old life.
I have talked to him a out this and his solution is too lay talk to her when I'm not about.
My opinion is that she has two roles, the mother of his children and his ex. And they should not cross over. I already have to listen to so many 'do you remember when' stories when the children are around (which I am fine with)... AIBU to think he should only be in contact with her on an 'as needed' basis.

KellyElly Sat 01-Oct-16 15:21:06

I suppose in an ideal world it's better if parents who split up have a good relationship for their children. If they can be friends, even better for the children.

However, I can see how this could make you feel. How is she with you in general? If she's friendly and makes as much effort with you as with your DP, you probably are being a bit unreasonable. If you are made to feel excluded or uncomfortable in your own home or they're talking for hours on the phone, then you're not being unreasonable.

IzzyIsBusy Sat 01-Oct-16 15:22:12

If they have a friendly relationship then why spoil it?
My edh are good friends. We have known each other a long time and care about each others families.
We do speak about the DC mostly but there are times we just have friendly chit chat. We had a good mutual sit and still care about each other. There us nothing more in it and i would resemt DP if he asked me to end this friendship. Plus it is much better for DC that we are friends instead of warring parents.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 01-Oct-16 15:22:38

Yabu. He is taking an interest in the life of the mother of his children. It's great they can remain friendly.

What is the issue with him making small talk?

Unless you think there's more going on or he is making daily calls for an hour a time ywvu to mention it to him.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 01-Oct-16 15:23:01

No, I don't think it's reasonable because it's very good for kids when their parents are good friends. There is no rule that a friendship has to end and if you didn't like it, this wasn't the relationship to get into. Seriously, your dh is doing a fantastic thing for his kids in being ' family ' with their mum. There is no need for distance, restraint and animosity.

I would see your point if it was flirtatious, if one party didn't have closure, if your dh was providing emotional support or if anything personal to you was being discussed. But not wanting them to chat just because it makes you uncomfortable is putting your own preferences way ahead of what's right for the family.

BewtySkoolDropowt Sat 01-Oct-16 15:23:34

YABU, sorry! She was an important part of his life for a long time, and it's lovely that he and she are both mature enough to still be interested in each others lives.

This is possibly a reflection on how you feel about your ex's? I can see how it might be difficult to understand if you are someone that chooses to have nothing more to do with someone that is an ex.

choli Sat 01-Oct-16 15:24:02

YANBU if you want to limit your own chats with the Ex.

YABVU indeed if you think you have the right to limit your DP's chats with anyone, Ex or not.

ladylambkin Sat 01-Oct-16 15:24:17

I think it's a very positive thing for the children involved..it sounds like polite chit chat to me. In my job I see the other side where parents cannot even speak to each other, I know which one I would prefer

Fanfeck Sat 01-Oct-16 15:25:21

YABU

positivity123 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:28:23

YABU. I think it is mature and commendable that he has a good relationship with the mother of his children.
Why do you have a problem with it? Are you insecure about your relationship?

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Oct-16 15:30:24

I think YABU

You haven't actually said why it's a problem for you though?

Do you trust him, or do you think he still has feelings for her?

Lunar1 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:32:08

Are you controlling with all his relationships?

Lunar1 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:32:16

Are you controlling with all his relationships?

JacketPoTayTo Sat 01-Oct-16 15:37:59

I'm going to say YABU to expect to tell him who to talk to/be friends with, but YANBU to feel the way you do. People just handle their past in different ways. He obviously wants a friendship with his ex. Nothing wrong with that in itself, plenty of people do and it doesn't necessarily mean that he still holds a torch for her. It could just be that he still enjoys her company even though he doesn't see her in a romantic light anymore. The problem is that you are uncomfortable with this. Again, nothing wrong with that, you just feel differently and have different boundaries than he does. Either your partner must agree to cut off his friendship with her for your sake, you must 'put up and shut up', or the two of you must go your separate ways because neither of you will/can budge and your viewpoints are incompatible. Nobody is right or wrong, you just feel differently about this.

blondieblondie Sat 01-Oct-16 15:40:33

YABU. You've been with him a year. They have literally lifetimes of history (their DC's) and the better they get on, the better for the kids. If your jealousy is going to impact that, its you who needs to change, not them. If you can't, it's best you get out now. I have nothing but respect for people who maintain caring relationships after break up, when kids are involved. I wish it could be like that for more of us.

paxillin Sat 01-Oct-16 15:43:26

YANBU to wish he wouldn't talk to her beyond parenting issues, you can't help how it makes you feel.

YABVU to try and change it, he can talk to whoever he wants. It is really none of your business, you can't dictate this. You can of course end the relationship if your jealousy gets in the way. So can he.

MuseumOfCurry Sat 01-Oct-16 15:46:05

I'd think this should be a blessed relief from people who cannot remain civil after splitting and insist that it is the other person who is 100% to blame. He's not with her anymore, he's with you. Why not let him make his own decisions about it?

AyeAmarok Sat 01-Oct-16 15:46:39

YABU.

Some people split because they don't work as a romantic relationship anymore, but there are no hard feelings.

That's actually an ideal setup for co-parenting.

Arfarfanarf Sat 01-Oct-16 15:46:54

I understand that you are jealous, you're human, it happens.

But it is good for their children that they have a good relationship.

It is healthy and provides the best outcome for the children.

They were in a relationship. They had children. They were a family.

It isn't healthy to pretend none of that happened.

It would be great if all separated parents could have a good relationship. It makes things so much easier for the children than creating this animosity and these strange rules around what they may and may not talk about, basically pretending they are nothing to each other.

God knows you read enough stories even just on here about how the children suffer when the parents can't be civil or try to ignore each other or limit communication to professional sounding emails arranging vital children related things only. It hurts the kids.

His 'old life' is his life. It is a big part of his life. It didn't end. It cannot end when there are children. It won't end when they reach 18. She will still be the mother of his children when the kids are 50 and they're grandparents. There will always be a relationship.

Does he have friends that he talks with? says remember when.... asks how their families are?

It's ok to do that. For friends, and for the mother of his children who he will have a relationship with for the rest of his life.

You cannot control their relationship and you shouldn't try. It will hurt you much more if he sneaks around to have small talk because you don't want him to ask her how her mother is. It will hurt the children if he takes a huge step back and refuses to talk with their mum unless he has to.

If you can't cope with what sounds like pretty banal small talk then you need to have a think about whether a relationship with someone who has a child is something that is right for you. There's no shame in it, it isn't right for everyone. It's important that you know the limits of your comfort and act accordingly.

PaulAnkaTheDog Sat 01-Oct-16 15:48:35

Yabu.

Manumission Sat 01-Oct-16 16:00:12

Attitude to exes is probably one of those big (huge) things, (like wanting children or approaches to finance) that you really do both need to be on the same page on.

If they have joint children and a warm, workable friendship and you want to put a stop to that friendship, I can't see this ending well.

Cherryskypie Sat 01-Oct-16 16:01:46

You don't want him to ask about her new baby???

Alwayschanging1 Sat 01-Oct-16 16:06:51

YABU - you should be delighted that things are amicable and working well for the DC.
Read a few of the threads on here about when it is going badly - then sit back and count your blessings that you are with a good guy who treats his ex with respect.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 01-Oct-16 16:07:23

Examples are chatting about her new baby, how did the birth go, weight if the baby, how is mum and baby. Chatting about her mum, her brother and other things they have in common from their old life.

He talks to her about how his children's sibling is and how the health and welfare of their mother is. How their grandparents and uncle are.

See how it's different if you see it from the POV of the children.

witsender Sat 01-Oct-16 16:14:33

What is the actual concern? Are you worried they will both ditch their respective partners and get back together?

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