To accept being celebate before 40

(8 Posts)
Probableunstoppable Sat 01-Oct-16 00:05:52

It's a long story, but after an extremely first fizzle attraction meeting (and no reaction from me! when he said he was "coming to the end of a relationship") we lost touch. Well many years later he tracked me down, we dated and swiftly married. We both had very exciting jobs which enabled us to travel the world and have disposable incomes. I'm sad to say that I once bought 5 pairs of shoes in a fit of pms... But I hasten to add it was in Singapore a long time ago so probably only £80 - still it felt great for an ex council house kid! Anyway, I gave up my career and income - I then followed him around the world, got pregnant, twice, and now he wants to relocate again. I promised I would follow him wherever, but we have no sex life at all. He's the most amazing father and great around the house. But he says I've "changed shape" yes I've gained about 2 stone and it's all on my belly (still got great legs) but he never made an effort before the babies came along either, he's very "efficient" at the job but he blames it on having very much younger girlfriends before me. When I tried to point him in the right direction he got horribly offended and keeps talking about how I put him off by directing him. Am I destined to a life without orgasms? Or a life without sex, we've had separate bedrooms for a few years now (little one is weaned and sleeping through...) He clearly doesn't fancy me, did he ever? He appreciates that I cook, shop and ensure his and the kids needs are met...He has his hobbies and gives me a monthly allowance. But I'm stuck home with two toddlers far away from family and friends. I should be happy, but he's going away for 6-9 months soon and I'm dreading it. What can I do? He says his sex drive is fine as he pleases himself, again, what about me? Is it up to me to let Peter Pan carry on or can I make this better?

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Oct-16 00:13:48

It sounds as though he's fallen out of love with you tbh (obviously I can only go on the little bit you've said).

That for me would be a bigger problem than a lack of sex life, which I could totally handle if for example my lovely husband became impotent for whatever reason.

Be honest, do you really love him too or are you clinging on to the fact you've given so much up for him, therefore in your mind it simply has to work?

Because if that's the case, it really won't.

You can't force these things so perhaps it's time to start thinking about a different kind of future without him.

It's not really just about the sex is it?

Probableunstoppable Sat 01-Oct-16 00:44:39

Worra, you've certainly given me food for thought, and you're right on so many levels.
I wonder if people can fall in love again, or sometimes it's better to fall on ones sword 😔

PickachuPurrlease Sat 01-Oct-16 00:52:55

Sounds a bit like you have "invested" so much you think it's ok to stay in the relationship.

I spent (can't remember exactly when it stopped) about 8 years in a completely empty relationship, which eventually ended when I was in my early 30's. I don't think he ever really fancied or liked me very much he was awful to me about my weight and made me very unwell with my attempts to be thinner. I was just convenient for him.

At 36 I met DP and now at nearly 40 our relationship is amazing, on all levels. I really think you deserve better.

Probableunstoppable Sat 01-Oct-16 01:01:38

Thank you, Pickachu x

Probableunstoppable Sat 01-Oct-16 01:05:18

But is it an empty investment if the children are benefitting?

PickachuPurrlease Sat 01-Oct-16 01:11:53

It's a difficult one as I didn't have children.

If your husband is going away for 6-9 months will he see the children then?

I don't think parents should stay together for the sake of the children, I think happy parents make better parents but that is just my opinion.

PickachuPurrlease Sat 01-Oct-16 01:25:45

I should add that DP does have children and is the RP.

He was in a similar situation and their mother walked out when they were 3 (I met DP when they were 5) he thought staying together despite no love between them was the best thing for the children but actually he has said that seeing two adults who love each other is actually better.

Their mother is not a kind person though and your husband may be very different.

No matter what I still think you deserve better flowers 40 is no age, and you deserve to be happy.

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