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Aibu? Well, are we being unreasonable?

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laidbackmummy13 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:32:26

My stepdaughter will be 13 in December, she regularly takes the bus from her home town to a large city some 20/30 miles away.

She visits every other weekend (commitments permitting) and meeting her mother halfway after work (half5) is costing a small fortune in fuel and with traffic getting worse is taking ages for them to get back here (don't get back till half 6/7pm) and I have 2 small children waiting for dinner and bed.

There is a bus that leaves Just after she leaves school and only takes an hour to reach our town where my partner would meet her, it works out cheaper and means no rush hour traffic so they are back by half 5 latest ( if traffic at complete standstill). She has done it this evening no problem at all. However her mother is saying that come winter she will have more to bring and coats etc and that it won't work...are we being unreasonable to say that she can leave clothes/pjs here and that she will be wearing her coat anyway so no reason it can't work?
Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Please note: stepdaughter happy to catch bus, mother is the one making a big deal about it. Also my OH is having an op in November and won't be driving at all for at least 4 weeks, he can't even lift a kettle for 2 weeks post-op so won't be able to collect. (And before anyone says- no, I will not collect her halfway (only from the bus) I have two small children and will not drive them for nearly two hours unnecessarily)

FuzzyOwl Fri 30-Sep-16 21:36:41

YABU to say she either comes on that bus or doesn't come at all. This is for your OH and her mother to discuss and agree, not you. However, I am surprised that you imply she doesn't already leave clothes etc at your house.

JenLindleyShitMom Fri 30-Sep-16 21:38:55

I think there is nothing wrong with the suggestion. But if the alternative is the girl not seeing her dad then that's not an option in my book (and shouldn't be for her father!)

Discobabe Fri 30-Sep-16 21:39:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MillionToOneChances Fri 30-Sep-16 21:40:03

YANBU to think she can get the bus in the winter.

YWBU to say if she won't get the bus she can't come (except during that post-op period) and YWBU to expect her mum to supply clothes to leave at your house. Would be a great idea for you to buy her some, though.

PeggyMitchell123 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:40:56

Yabu massively to say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all. Surely that would hurt your dh who is now not seeing his daughter because you want to save on petrol.

Not sure on bus, it's going to be getting darker earlier soon and I know I always felt a bit more uncomfortable travelling home in the dark at 13, my mum wouldn't have allowed it. Even today I was visiting my Nan and she told me to leave before it got dark confused

I would have dh have a chat with his ex and see if they can talk about it and see if they can try it for a little while and see how it goes.

StarryIllusion Fri 30-Sep-16 21:41:17

Not in the slightest. That set up is madness when the bus is actually faster. What on earth could she possibly need to bring that is so heavy/bulky that she can't manhandle it onto the bus? Coat she will be wearing and like you said she could easily get some clothes and pjs to leave at yours, surprised she doesn't already tbh. Besides what 13 year old is honestly relishing the thought of sitting in a car for 2 hours with a couple of hyperactive siblings who haven't seen her for 2 weeks. Sounds like everyone will be happier with the bus arrangement, I certainly would be.

MillionToOneChances Fri 30-Sep-16 21:42:10

Plus, your little ones don't have to wait for dinner/bed. One night a fortnight they could eat separately and not see their dad before bed if the timings don't work.

AGruffaloCrumble Fri 30-Sep-16 21:42:35

I wouldn't be comfortable having my 13 yo on the bus in the dark for an hour.

laidbackmummy13 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:43:54

We have taken her shopping before and the clothes were worn once then discarded, thus she has no clothes here as will only wear the ones from home.
The bus was her fathers idea, he can't afford the fuel. So this is mostly his decision. Their daughter. They sort it out. But he physically can't afford the diesel.

yorkshapudding Fri 30-Sep-16 21:45:14

Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

shock

Seriously? Yes, YWBVVVU to say that. Nothing wrong with making a suggestion but an ultimatum, actually threatening to stop her seeing her Dad, is something else altogether.

You're not doing her a favour by letting her come to your home. We're talking about a child her seeing her Dad here, that should be something you're both willing to put yourselves out a bit for, not something you only bestow on her if she and her Mum are willing to do what you want.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Fri 30-Sep-16 21:45:53

I'd leave it between the parents.

AGruffaloCrumble Fri 30-Sep-16 21:46:48

Well they either come to an arrangement or they don't but your partner can't force the mother to agree to stick her on a bus in winter if she doesn't think it is safe or good for the child. I personally wouldn't be allowing it. What happens then? He stops contact?

laidbackmummy13 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:47:13

And as I said she often gets bus to nearest city alone to meet friends etc so not a majorly new thing.

And here we eat dinner together unless he won't be back til gone 8 or is away from work.

witsender Fri 30-Sep-16 21:47:32

I really don't think you are living up to your moniker here...surely if he can't drive you would collect her?! Why couldn't the kids stay home with him? She is a member of your family now and ought to be treated as such. It isn't every day, kids can be entertained and even fed in the car.

13 isn't very old, her mum still has a say.

228agreenend Fri 30-Sep-16 21:48:45

I don't see a problem in her catching the bus, especially if she is used to catching a bus. Its not unusual for school kids to travel this long on a bus, especially in rural areas. She would probably just curl up in a seat, and play on her phone.

witsender Fri 30-Sep-16 21:49:00

"And here we eat dinner together"...so do most people, but facilitating family is more important, especially when it isn't every day.

AGruffaloCrumble Fri 30-Sep-16 21:51:24

I'm sure the mother would prefer to do other things than meeting you halfway too but I assume she does it because she feels it's safer and more appropriate. You can't force that to change without it being agreed with the mother. My issue wouldn't be with the bus, it would be the dark and coldness. Winter is a horrible time to use public transport.

Starryeyed16 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:52:06

Your pretty harsh stopping contact! It's his DD she is as much priority as your DC. At 13 I wouldn't allow my DD to travel at that age for an hour in winter. He is her father and regardless of the cost of petrol he should put money aside for that trip reduce any other bills inorder to accomadate that.

laidbackmummy13 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:53:14

As I said he won't be able to lift at all for 4 weeks so with a 3 yr old and a 1 year old no he can't watch them alone after his op.

Not my monkey, not my circus. We each run our own cars. He only takes mine if his is broke and even then replaces the fuel.

TBH he asked me to get opinions before putting it to the mother as he wanted a variety of opinions.

wheresthel1ght Fri 30-Sep-16 21:53:14

I am a step mum and you are being pathetic and unreasonable.

Feed your younger kids and put them to bed while your DH collects his daughter.

At 13 she is far to young to be getting a bus over an hour in the dark, in winter when her dad is capable of collecting her. Have you even discussed any of this with her dad??

Just out of interest who moved? Did you and her dad move away from her home town?

bogginsthedog Fri 30-Sep-16 21:54:15

Are we being unreasonable if we say she either comes on bus or doesn't come at all?

Awful, the inconvenience and expense is more important than her relationship with her dad? Get a grip.

laidbackmummy13 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:55:51

SHE ALSO GETS THE BUS TO AND FROM SCHOOL EVERY DAY AND IS HOME ALONE TIL HER MOTHER RETURNS. THAT WILL NOT CHANGE COME WINTER.

and no, there is no way to cut bills, csa already kills us. So if the money is gone it's gone.

Foldeemort Fri 30-Sep-16 21:55:56

I really don't think you are living up to your moniker here grin

Poor kid. Not even worth the price of petrol eh.

JenLindleyShitMom Fri 30-Sep-16 21:56:19

I don't understand the fuel argument.

You say the bus will take an hour. Currently your DH is meeting her mother halfway so 30 minutes X2. What bus journey is cheaper than driving the same distance? Unless you expect her mum to pay for the buses?

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