AIBU? Am I? I really don't know...help pls MN?(34 Posts)
DS is 7mths. Sleeps fairly well other than this week which has been terrible as I think he's getting a cold.
DH has been working long hours in past weeks and I'm on mat leave so of course I've been doing the night waking. We are truly 50/50 partners and parents, no complaints, we've both separately spent nights away from DS etc.
Last night DS woke screaming at 2am. This is v unusual, never cries in the night, I go to settle him but he won't settle no matter what I do. Spend 45 mins trying to settle him then realise he's all snotty and bunged up. V unhappy baby.
I brought DS into our bed for a cuddle and feed and after 15 mins of troubled feeding he fell asleep, brilliant. We have a superking bed so no trouble all three of us being there, we can all get some sleep. DS has not slept in our bed for months.
DH gets all funny about him being there and how it's not good to get into the habit and insists on picking up sleeping DS and trying to settle him in the cot in his own room. I explained how I couldn't settle him and I think he's getting a cold and that I think when your baby is ill you suspend the sleeping rules, but DH was having none of it. He picked up DS and tried to settle him for half an hour in his cot and failed. At which point DH brings DS back into our bedroom and announces he can't settle him and he is going to sleep in the spare room!
I then had a v unhappy baby on my hands at 330am. Couldn't settle him, couldn't feed him to sleep at all and I've now been awake since 330am.
DS was grouchy all evening and kept waking for me to go in so even though I tried to have an early night. I didn't get to sleep till after 11 and then DH woke me when he got in from work at 1am.
I am absolutely broken with tiredness, headache, feel sick, eyes gritty, can't eat, eyes not focussing, and think I can feel a migraine coming on, DH left for work at 8am and won't be back until 9pm tonight.
So, my argument is that whilst I'm happy to do almost everything while he is working so hard, that should include choosing my way to deal with the night wake ups. I feel it's ok him having his principles of sleep training, but it's me who is having to deal with the tiredness consequences both in me and DS.
I have been the one to read up on and implement sleep techniques, and I was the one who didn't leave the house for a week whilst working on day time naps etc. I'm not a pushover when it comes to fixing sleep but I feel if I'm the sole one in charge for days, with no help at all, then it should be up to me to choose how I deal with it. This was a one off and DS was ill. I haven't brought him into bed for ages.
But DH would say we're ruining all our good work and creating bad habits, for short term gain, I.e. A few hours sleep. But they are my few hours of sleep!
Who was right last night? What would you do? I have no idea if I am BU to bring this up with DH tonight...
Oh dear, just saw how long that is. Sorry. I am very very tired...
YANBU. I see hid point about not getting into bad habits, but when your child is ill you just need to do whatever it takes for everyone to get some sleep.
Well whoever settled ds to sleep was right. That was you. A 7m old won't get into any kind of "habit". Poor thing was ill and needed to feel safe. He was fast asleep and your dh woke him up, so he was in the wrong.
I'd tell dh to butt out when you make a decision and not to wake a sleeping baby ever again.
I think at night, particularly when your child isn't well, you do whatever it takes to help them to sleep.
I hope your baby sleeps today and lets you sleep, too.
I hate people going on about bad habits! Really annoys me... baby's are so adaptable, and the poor things ill! Let him sleep with you, he's used to sleeping on his own - he'll go back to it no worries. And you know what even if he doesn't, who cares? He's a baby! He won't be sleeping with you for long, they want their own beds eventually. Honestly, do what works for you. He'll be back to normal when he's better.
Your Dh was massively unreasonable
You never move or disturb a sleeping settled baby
He woke him, he should have dealt with him. Not handing him back to you
We were very much of the philosophy 'whatever works' - if that meant sharing a bed with one or both for a night or two, so be it. I think your DH is being unreasonable here. A couple of years down the line, your DS will be sleeping in his own bed quite happily regardless of what you do now, IMO...
If you do the night wakings then it's your decision how to deal with them. He is getting a fantastic deal.
Well you'll have a cavalcade of responses saying you were right.....but from the perspective of someone who's never brought the kids into their bed, I can see his side.
We decided as a couple to keep them in their beds no matter what. If DH then unilaterally decided to change that, I'd be a bit perturbed and worried the baby would be always demanding it.
I don't think its necessary to tackle a baby with a cold by bringing them into your bed. It's going to be a shit night regardless, but I personally would rather only one of us is disturbed than both. I'd have stayed in his room till he settled.
Ask your DH which articles he's read on infant sleep. When the answer is, 'none', you have carte Blanche to do it your way.
Co-sleeping is sanity-saving in my experience.
(It's also really cosy and cuddly and lovely, but horses for courses!)
YANBU. With an ill baby you do whatever is necessary to help everyone sleep. One or two nights with you will not break his sleep routine.
Oh what a bloody ridiculous thing to do! (Of your DH). I'd be furious! Hope you get some sleep today and maybe talk it over with your DH tonight, making it very clear that, since you are the one who has to cope with your DS during the day, you should decide how he is settled. Bad habits bollocks! I also can't believe he said a few hours' sleep was short term gain-alright for him in the spare room! Is he very routine driven? Hope he sees your point, hope your DS feels better soon also
You were expected to deal with an issue. You did, successfully. He then completely undid all this and instead of fixing the ensuing chaos, absolved himself of responsibility and left you to it, now feeling awful.
Yanbu. It was a one off because ds is ill and it's super annoying when they ignore you but leave you to deal with the consequences!
My dh used to jump to pick up our dd if she grumbled in the night even though she wasn't fully awake or crying. I asked him not to pick her up unless she actually cried as she would usually settle again eventually if left and picking her up woke her, made her scream and I would always have to feed her back to sleep. After the 50 millionth time of him ignoring me I refused to feed her back to sleep and left him trying to settle her. He didn't get back to bed until 2 hours later and had work the next day. He got the message loud and clear when HE had to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I kind of see where DH is coming from - My DS was a great sleeper, but whenever he was ill we had to sleep with him upright in a chair. This did disrupt his sleep pattern. But, you just have to deal with that when he's better again...... it sorts itself out!
I will also say that this may be your first bad cold, but it certainly won't be the last.
You guys are gonna have to figure out what you're going to do going forward. If you're going to bring him in when he's sick, fine. But if you really are 50/50 partners then you have to agree on it together. Just because you're doing the nights doesn't mean it's an aspect of parenting he should butt out of. I disagree strongly he has no right to an opinion.
Nah, agree with you OP. At 7 months it's more about learning good habits than avoiding bad ones IME and from what I've read. (Some of the real hardline sleep gurus say it's better to sleep in your kid's bedroom if they're ill than have them sleep in yours but we never did that and ours slept/sleep OK. Also totally agree that as you are the one with skin in the game, you should be the one that makes the decisions about it.
The 1am waking from your DH is also not ideal, specially as that's in that initial 3-4 hours after you go to bed which is the deepest sleep. Is that every night? I wonder if it would help if he slept in the spare room when he's getting in that late?
He is making decisions without having to deal with any of the consequences though Elspeth - the OP has a right to sleep. If he was so fixed on his course of action he should have seen it through. You're right that they now need to communicate about how to deal with this in future, hopefully not 'I wake the baby up, strop off, and you deal with the ensuing shitstorm'.
Thanks everyone. I really needed an outside perspective!
Elspeth I actually do agree with you. That's why I'm asking the question. We are 50/50 with everything, so we have talked through most things about DS and it is only in the last two months that I have been doing all night waking as DH's job became so unusually busy.
We come at things from such different angles but as Love said, he is extremely routine driven and finds it hard to be flexible when circumstances change. Sometimes this is a great attribute and sometimes it makes us rub each other up the wrong way.
Good point about future colds and illness etc. We need an agreed plan. To be fair to DH, he did get up and try to implement his own rules, but I guess he just didn't appreciate that I truly meant that I couldn't settle DS the first time, and it wasn't that I hadn't tried or took the easy way out. Hmmm, will have a think before discussing tonight, although I was hoping I'd be in bed by the time he gets home from work!
I've also realised that it's not 330 I've been awake since, it's when I started to do the wake with DS, so nearer to 2am.....that explains why I feel so completely broken!
All rules out the window with a sick baby. We never sleep with ours usually - we all sleep better when he's in his own room - but when he's ill (and he's a toddler now) he needs the comfort and reassurance and he can sleep on us/beside us/with me patting him/whatever gets us through the night. It's a couple of nights to a week of bad sleep and then everything back to normal when he's well again.
I sort of sort of sort of understand a tiny bit of where your DH is coming from (were it not for fact DS was ill!!) - and we all get riled at lack of sleep - but seriously a few nights of your baby sleeping with you when he's ill is not going to affect him long term. It's a pointless time to think about sleep training - hopefully DH will see this?
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