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To stipulate that we only get back together under this condition?

(95 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 30-Sep-16 09:35:25

Dp and I broke up for a few weeks over the summer. I went away for a while and we realised how much we love and miss each other and have agreed to give our relationship another go.

One major sticking point though, one which was instrumental in us breaking up in the first place, is his reluctance to consider living anywhere other than where we currently live (very rural town). I love the place where we live, it is scenic and peaceful but it is not great for me in a lot of areas, mainly:

Jobs are very hard to come by here.

Wages are very low, much lower than national average.

It is very far from my family (4hrs+ drive).

I will be graduating from uni in the next few years and I'm realising just how hard it will be to get a decent job in this area. Also my parents are getting into their 70's now and, although they are still mostly fit and well at the moment, DM still works full time because they can't afford not to. So the distance may become a problem in the future because we have no other family in this country other than myself and my siblings, none of whom live close to my parents to help out if they need it.

So my condition to DP would be that he at least consider the possibility of moving somewhere closer to my parents, that would be better for work, in the future, if it was necessary.

However, I totally understand why he has been reluctant to consider this in the past becuase all his family live in this area, and he has a son with his exP who lives here also. I completely understand that his DC is his priority and that will never change, I'm not asking him to abandon his child - far from it! I just want him to consider the possibility that, in the future, either for work or for my family, we might have to move closer to where they live (not necessarily the same town, just closer).

Wibu to ask him to consider this as a future possibility? I have friends here who do think I WBU, as I would be taking him away from his family and child, but I have to consider my own family as well. Do we have a future if we won't/can't leave this area? Before we broke up we were engaged and want to be again and my thinking is that if we are going to have a marriage and a whole life together then we both need to have our wants and needs taken into consideration.

anyname123 Fri 30-Sep-16 09:39:26

The danger is that you give him this ultimatum, he says he'll consider moving, he "considers" it and the answer is still no. Are you just delaying the inevitable pain, and potentially wasting a few years? Just rip the plaster off now if you really can't tolerate living where you are for the rest of forever

sonjadog Fri 30-Sep-16 09:42:12

It sounds like if you get back together, you will be living in that area whether you want to or not. It doesn`t sound like he would seriously consider moving.

Ausernotanumber Fri 30-Sep-16 09:43:48

If he has a son he's stuck there til the child is 18. 4 hours away is unreasonable to ask him to do on a regular basis to maintain contact.

BombadierFritz Fri 30-Sep-16 09:44:44

I would see this as a short term relationship and plan in moving after graduating. I dont think he will move but you can always ask.

itlypocerka Fri 30-Sep-16 09:45:13

Requiring someone to consider something is useless. It is impossible to tell whether someone actually considered it and then said "no" vs never actually considering it, waiting for a time to simulate consideration, then saying "no".

Either you will definitely move or you definitely won't. If he can't agree that you will move once you have graduated then don't build your lives together. That doesn't have to mean splitting up but you could live independently 1hr away in a nearby town with better employment options and still consider each other life partners who live apart.

ChasedByBees Fri 30-Sep-16 09:47:34

Agree with anyname - to consider something means the possibility that the answer is still no. I imagine it would be highly likely that after consideration he would decide not to move. If you have low practical commitments to him (children, mortgage etc) I would probably move on now. This sort of stuff is really important and compromise can often leave one person unhappy.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 30-Sep-16 10:03:59

I see what you mean cerka but that wouldn't work for us. Neither of us want to be in a relationship where we don't live together.

I'm 100% sure his job prospects would improve if we lived someone else too. Surely lots of separated parents move someone further away for work if they have to? As I said, it wouldn't have to be exactly to where my parents live (as I really don't like the place they live - it's expensive, crowded and just not for me which is why I left in the first place), just maybe somewhere in the middle.

This is something we might not even have to consider for another 10 years, when his DC will be 18. I just need to know that he would be willing if I needed him to.

We've been in a relationship for 3 years and live together already so it's not a short term fling. No children or mortgage but we very much have a life together.

I did think about that anyname. I think before we broke up that would have been the case but now I really feel that he is totally commited to our relationship and if I asked him to I think he would move. I just don't know if I would BU to ask him to.

Sancia Fri 30-Sep-16 10:10:10

This simply can't work.

He can't leave his son and you could never convince him to - even if you did, you'd forever be the bad guy and the resentment would fester.

You can't live in the arse-end of beyond. See above: resentment because you won't find work and you're far from your family.

There's no right or wrong. You simply live very different lives in very different locations. Like any long-distance relationship, unless someone is utterly delighted and thrilled to move, it's pretty much over in the long term.

Personally I wouldn't waste time on a relationship you know is going to end fairly soonish. Wasted years.

Chewbecca Fri 30-Sep-16 10:10:32

How old are you OP?

Are you looking to have a family of your own etc or is this a 'later in life' relationship?

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 30-Sep-16 10:10:58

It's not unreasonable to ask if you feel you can't live there. But asking someone to 'consider some action at some undefined point in the future' is just storing up trouble. How will you know he has 'considered' it enough? Either it's a deal breaker for you or it isn't. You get to decide that and to make it clear. Scheduling 'consideration' at a later date is just delaying an inevitable conversation. Have the conversation and make the decision now.

Ausernotanumber Fri 30-Sep-16 10:14:45

Even two hours from his son is useless. He can't do midweek contact and it would be a ball ache every other weekend.

dillyduck Fri 30-Sep-16 10:15:06

You want him to leave his child and move away for you?

When you have a child you will realise how unreasonable that it. However much he loves you he will always love his child more- it is human nature.

You sound very young and you seem to be at different points in your life. Maybe look for a relationship with someone nearer your own age with no family ties?

VerbenaGirl Fri 30-Sep-16 10:17:18

This is a really tricky situation. Real heart or head stuff....
I think I'd let my heart win and stay there to be with him and see how it pans out. Nothing is ever written in stone.
But I don't think that your stipulation is going to work, and you probably need to put that aside and just give this a go.
Is there a possibility of your parents moving nearer to you when they get a little older, so that they are closer if needing support? Or even closer to one of your siblings?
You never know where or when jobs may come up.... How far would you have to commute to the nearest big town or city? Does your field of study relate to jobs that might allow for at least some working from home?

elastamum Fri 30-Sep-16 10:19:10

I think it is unreasonable for you to want him to move away from his son.

This would probably permanently damage their relationship because as his son grows older he will be less and less likely to want to travel to see his dad. This happened to my DC when their father moved 2 hours away. They hated the travelling and saw him far less than before. Fortunately he is now back close by and they are much happier.

You could always live or work apart. My DP and I have 2 houses about 1 1/2 hours apart as neither of us wanted to move away from our DC. Five years on we are still very happy.

Sadly, if you don't want to live there and aren't willing to have a long distance relationship this is probably a deal breaker.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Sep-16 10:22:19

You can't ask him to move away from his son.

However, you have the right to live wherever you choose. Maybe you should break up after all and you can live nearer to your parents and he can stay with his son. It doesn't sound as though that area has anything to offer you.

RealityCheque Fri 30-Sep-16 10:23:45

This isn't tricky at all. You simply do NOT ask him to move away from his child.

By all means ask him to commit to a move once his son is 18, but before that is unreasonable.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 30-Sep-16 10:24:00

I get what you mean couch. I think it's difficult because it's all just so uncertain. When I moved here, life was very different and jobs and relationships were not an issue. Then things happened and it became an issue. I probably wouldn't have gotten in to a relationship with someone in his situation if I had known all this in advance but sometimes things happen that you have no control over and plans change.

I don't know if my parents will became unable to cope in the next few years. They probably won't. But what I do know is that my parents have done so much for me over my life that if they did start struggling I couldn't, in good conscience, just leave them to it and build a life over 4hrs away where I couldn't be of any help to them. I'm just trying to establish whether or not we could stay together if it became an issue because I have already been through one divorce and I don't want another. Last thing I want to do is not discuss it at all, get married, and then in 5 years time realise that we have to split because of it.

Dp is late twenties, I am early thirties. Neither of us want any more children, for various reasons.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 30-Sep-16 10:24:55

Sorry, I have to agree with those who say moving is impossible when he has a young child to consider. You're being a bit selfish expecting him to move, though not in wanting to move yourself. If you want to move away, that's fair enough, but it is not ok to want him to move such a long way from his child.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 30-Sep-16 10:26:56

Number, at the moment DP doesn't do midweek contact anyway, just EOW. He works 6 days a week.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 30-Sep-16 10:28:20

I don't know if my parents will became unable to cope in the next few years. They probably won't

Yes, but his child definitely will need him. He's not responsible for the 'what ifs' of your parents. It's great you want to be there for them, but they are adults who very likely don't need looking after. It's a bit selfish wanting to move closer to capable adults and leaving a child who needs their dad.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 30-Sep-16 10:31:54

I'm not wanting to move closer right NOW Edmund. Right now, they don't need me and are perfectly capable. In 5 or 10 years they might not be and may need me. In 5/10 years, DP's DC will be 13/18 and hopefully a bit more independant and possible capable of travelling alone. That's what I'm looking at.

ShatnersWig Fri 30-Sep-16 10:32:06

YABU. You want to be nearer your family but to do so, he has to leave his family, which includes his young son. Absolutely not.

I appreciate jobs may be hard to come by where you are, in which case, moving somewhere else makes perfect sense for YOU. It does not make perfect sense for HIM or his son.

I think you'd be better off not getting back together. Even is he said he would consider it, he could still say no when the time comes. And, I think, if he is a decent dad, he should say no, unless he himself cannot properly provide financially for his son.

The time has come for you to say that you may love each other but can't be together. It happens. Different stages and places in life.

AndNowItsSeven Fri 30-Sep-16 10:33:09

His child is more important than your parents. Of course he can't move.

Ausernotanumber Fri 30-Sep-16 10:33:30

13/18 is even worse. They have mates and parties late and activities they want to do near home / school at the weekend.

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