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To think I'm to blame for DP's cheating?

(38 Posts)
FenriraTheShewolf Thu 29-Sep-16 17:17:31

Possibly more of a support situation but a friend recommended this site to me and I feel like I need others on the outside looking in. My partner and I have been together for 6 years. At the start of our relationship he cheated on my, being stupid and infatuated I stayed. A year or so down the line he went on to cheat on me a further 2 times, he didn't sleep with these women but he kissed them, dirty talked ect.

After an extremely rough time with our relationship he seemed to have changed. A year later our son was born and he really is a wonderful father, helps out anyway he can, took most of the night feeds ect but after our son (big baby born via c section) I completely went off sex, lost confidence in myself, hate my body. We had sex once every 2 months if even, he's very physical and I knew this wasn't enough. So after a year of this he started flirting with another women from his work place, she sent him nude pictures which I found on his phone. When confronted he didn't deny it but he didn't admit to it either. After a night arguing he admitted that he thinks he's lost feelings for me and that out relationship doesn't have any excitement any more. He was away for two days and those two days have Apparently made him realise how much he loves me and that this other thing meant nothing, that's all he was looking for, an adrenaline rush.

I'm so torn because one part of me thinks that if you love someone you don't continue to hurt them. But another part says I'm partly to blame as I closed up with my insecurities and wasn't physical of affectionate with him. I really don't know what to do as I don't really have any friends in real life. I'm so used to him being there and doing things with me. I'm terrified of the prospect of being alone. sad

Champers4Pampers Thu 29-Sep-16 17:24:55

There is no excuse for the way he's treating you. You are not to blame for his cheating?

Euphemia Thu 29-Sep-16 17:25:23

This guy's a git, always has been.

Get some self-respect, show your child that this is not a good relationship, get out.

Champers4Pampers Thu 29-Sep-16 17:25:58

Sorry typo. There shouldn't be a question mark there.

Please don't let your insecurities convince you that your in some way to blame. X

DustOffYourHighestHopes Thu 29-Sep-16 17:27:51

The main thing that sticks out for me is that you're terrified of being alone.

If you weren't, you'd leave wouldn't you?

You've given him so many chances. Personally I wouldn't give him any more. You say it was your fault. If he was into you, respected you, liked you, he would talk through problems and ask you to change rather than turning to the nearest fit woman.

MrsJayy Thu 29-Sep-16 17:28:20

You didn't make him behave like anything it's not you it's him he as a pp said is a git

FenriraTheShewolf Thu 29-Sep-16 17:29:07

I know I have no respect for myself but I've become so dependant on him I've literally almost had a panic attack had the prospect of being so alone becuase that's how I've been for all these years. I'm a shite example of a person.

piglover Thu 29-Sep-16 17:29:16

Why is his utter immaturity and twattishness your fault?

ElspethFlashman Thu 29-Sep-16 17:30:51

So 4 women in 6 years?

You're not to blame for him cheating, but you are to blame for staying in this utter farce because of fear of being alone.

MrsJayy Thu 29-Sep-16 17:31:44

Would rather be alone than with a man who didn't respect me what you are feeling about sex affect many women after having a baby he chose to go else where I'm sorry he is treating you like this

FenriraTheShewolf Thu 29-Sep-16 17:37:21

I think it's a mix of fear but also me taking him for granted. He did so much for me, anything I asked and he was patient in terms of being physical but I just kept pushing away and closing up. He doesn't share his emotions. He bottles them up until he explodes and in his mind we were going down hill so he decided to have his immature rush. He admits that but I can't help but wonder what have I done. If I tried more would it be different.

AppleMagic Thu 29-Sep-16 17:38:41

He's cheated on you the whole way through your relationship. It's nothing you've done or not done, he just thinks he's entitled to have sex outside your relationship.

Euphemia Thu 29-Sep-16 17:39:26

Stop blaming yourself. This is on him. You can't fix him.

PNGirl Thu 29-Sep-16 17:40:08

No it wouldn't because he is an arsehole and he knows you'll let him get away with it. If you stay with him it'll be 10 women by 2020. There is no excuse for cheating, ever ever ever.

AppleMagic Thu 29-Sep-16 17:40:48

I bet he's had an excuse every time but the reality is he wanted to do it each time and either didn't think he'd get caught, didn't think he'd lose you if he did get caught or didn't care.

Ineededtonamechange Thu 29-Sep-16 17:46:22

I bet he did sleep with the other women.

He is an arse. This is nothing to do with you and is not your fault.

He is a "have your cake and eat it type"; wants to maintain the facade of a normal loving relationship but at the same time wants the thrills of a flirtation. This is not someone to continue any further with because he will not stop.

I had very little sex with my husband after DS was born - apart from getting out of the habit of it, DH didn't complain at all - I'd just had his child and he could never understand how that made me feel or why I didn't want sex.

If you closed up then he should have been making more of an effort to connect with you - not messing around with another woman.

Please leave him. He doesn't love you enough and is disrespecting you.

sparechange Thu 29-Sep-16 17:48:09

He's cheated through your entire relatationship, and I would bet there are others you don't know about.

If he cheats when you are having lots of sex, not pushing him away and doing all the other things you are blaming yourself for, of course you aren't to blame. That is just the sort of lowlife he is, and he isn't going to change.

You don't have to put up with being made to feel dependent on him. Leaving can really be very liberating, and make you realise just how strong you are

OhMrsQ Thu 29-Sep-16 17:51:52

Totally not your fault lovely.

My ex cheated on me also throughout our 5 year relationship. I didn't leave either as he had driven all my friends away and I was scared to be alone too. Then we moved country, I saw what my life could be like without him and left.

Best thing I've ever done.

Again. Not your fault. At all. He's an arse

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 29-Sep-16 17:53:29

"If I tried more would it be different."
How do you make that out? You're blaming his behaviour on your C-section, but he cheated on you way before that. He doesn't cheat because of anything you do/don't do/are. He cheats on you because he wants to.

You cannot do or be anything to stop his scuzzy disrespect. It's not about you, it's all down to him, and his lack of morals/empathy/respect. sad

QuiteLikely5 Thu 29-Sep-16 17:56:16

You need to find your self respect. It's al it's like he feels sorry for you. Is that what you want or deserve? Surely not.

You need to start setting a certain standard of expectations

mum2Bomg Thu 29-Sep-16 17:57:09

In all seriousness, read back your past as if your best friend had written it. What advice would you give her?

Please be your own best friend and look after yourself as well as you would anyone else xxxxx

EveOnline2016 Thu 29-Sep-16 17:57:55

You are not to blame.

Dh can have spells where we don't have sex. Neither of us went looking else where.

HeyNannyNanny Thu 29-Sep-16 18:00:24

He's a bastard. He's a grown man and should have focused on building up your confidence rather than straying away. LTB.

Meh84 Thu 29-Sep-16 18:02:14

Oh love flowers

You are 100% not to blame at all. I think you need to tell him to leave, however long for, and concentrate on you for a while. No wonder your self confidence is low if he's been carrying on with other women.

You're beautiful, please believe it xx

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Sep-16 18:04:22

He has no respect for you & is never going to change

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