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To feel really conflicted about looking at houses for sale?

(21 Posts)
LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 29-Sep-16 14:05:33

My mum died in July this year, her probate is nearly all sorted and the conveyancing has just started on her property.

Before she died, she explained to us all how what we should do with our shares of her inheritance. Obvs she said we werent tied to it but it would make her happiest. She explained to DH and I that she wanted us to use our share as a deposit for a house, as we had started saving for a deposit a few years ago, got quite far and then DH got made redundant and so we ended up going through quite a lot of our savings as the job market was slow, luckily we got back on our feet but are now stuck in the rental trap (ie cant save for a sizable deposit due to rent/living costs - couldnt bunk in with family to help save as they all live too far away). I think it was a lovely idea.
So, Estate agent reckons that as no chain either way we could be completed and done and dusted in 4-6 weeks.

I did have a bit of a look to see what kind of properties are about round here and I have seen one that I really like. Its not big or extravagant or anything, but it is big enough for what we need, with a beautiful kitchen and a playroom for DS. I had even considered viewing it or speaking with the agent/mortgage lender at the bank about our situation to get a bit of advice as Ive never had to do this before.

But this is the thing. Even though it is the sensible thing to do with my inheritance, and its what my mum wanted, I hate thinking about it, it almost makes me feel dirty in a way I cant explain, it just feels wrong.

JellyDots Thu 29-Sep-16 14:17:51

I'm in a similar situation. My Mum passed away very suddenly at the beginning of the year. Once the house is sold, and with her life insurance and pensions, we'll be able to move to a much needed bigger house, which wouldn't have been an option at all otherwise. Mum was very insistent that that is what should happen.

We had a period of about five weeks from her diagnosis to her dying, and I cried a fair amount, and began the grieving process I guess. But the day the first payments began going into my account I felt this terrible anger, and sadness and guilt every time I thought about spending it.

There is no consolation I don't think, I don't have the answer. Although I have held back some of the money and I'm trying to make sure that I spend it on 'happy things'. I don't want to out myself but I've basically bough a project - something Mum always wanted to do, and I feel less guilt about it when I'm achieving something related to it. The outcome will mean that we'll have many years of pleasure, and that brings me some comfort.

With regard to the house, I'm trying to think more that my Mum has helped me achieve a home that I love - so she is part of it. Though I must admit that all I felt originally was that I only have this because my Mum died.

I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

phillipp Thu 29-Sep-16 14:22:27

I am looking at spending my inheritance, tomorrow.

I feel the same. Like its wrong. As po said anger, is one of the emotions. I feel like the money is a shitty consolation prize and its taunting me.

Everytime I log onto my online banking it's reminder my relative isn't here. The money doesn't make that less painful.

I am just trying to hold on to the fact that this what my relative wanted.

It's all very complicated emotionally. I am sorry for your loss.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 29-Sep-16 14:28:02

When my Dad died I got a small but significant for me inheritance.

It allowed me to leave my ex who was an emotionally abusive cocklodger.

I think he would be very happy to know how his money made a huge impact in improving my situation.

I totally get where you are coming from, but if your mum could have helped you create a better life when she was alive, I'm sure she would have. Let her do this for you now she is no longer here - she would love to make that difference in your life.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 29-Sep-16 14:28:32

When my Dad died I got a small but significant for me inheritance.

It allowed me to leave my ex who was an emotionally abusive cocklodger.

I think he would be very happy to know how his money made a huge impact in improving my situation.

I totally get where you are coming from, but if your mum could have helped you create a better life when she was alive, I'm sure she would have. Let her do this for you now she is no longer here - she would love to make that difference in your life.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 29-Sep-16 14:30:39

I do understand what you're saying OP, but it was what she wanted. Can you look at the house as a gift from your mother? And as a kind of place of remembrance in her name? I think the feeling will wear off in time. I have a new kitchen and bathroom thanks to my mum. I know she would be happy with what I spent her money on.

JKnottyProblem Thu 29-Sep-16 14:30:49

In exactly this position myself and completely understand. My bereavement came just before becoming pg, so many people in my life (new mum friends, HCPs etc) are unaware of my loss.

I actually had someone look at the house we are in the process of buying (which is admittedly a big step up from where we currently live) and ask me if I had won the lottery or something sad

I'm trying to look on it as my parent's posthumous gift to my DS, they can't be in his life, but they can give him a fabulous home to grow up in. Still feel like I'm dancing on their grave though.

RubbishG3nericUsername Thu 29-Sep-16 14:34:40

I had a very similar experience. We were desperate to get on the property ladder and we're saving like mad when my DF was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed away a few weeks later.

It was his express wish that the money he had saved for us was to be put towards a house. We were able to afford a much larger house, in the area that we loved. It was heartbreaking loosing him, and after he passed away we decided to take a break from our old house search (small 1 bed) have a holiday to recharge, and then came back and threw ourselves into looking for something we hope he'd love. We bought a fixer upper- which her he'd have thought was great!

On the day we completed and I went to the bank to do the chaps transfer, I cried my heart out seeing that money leave my account- it felt like it was the last thing of his I had. We later sold the property at a huge profit, and are about to hopefully do the same with our next property, leaving us mortgage free. I think he'd have approved. As an aside I still find it very hard when people refer to us as 'lucky' on our property journey. To this day I still can't muster a retort to people that say this to me, without wanting to cry all over again.

I wish you lots of luck on your emotional journey, and I promise that the feeling of guilt for using the money will subside over time.

VioletBam Thu 29-Sep-16 15:00:19

The house you buy will always be a reminder of your Mum, it's like she will play a part in your new home and is a last gift for you.x

Bogeyface Thu 29-Sep-16 15:08:29

I agree that thinking of it as her helping you to buy a house may be easier than thinking of it as you using her money to buy it.

It is a gift from her after all, its what she wanted to do with the money.

ClopySow Thu 29-Sep-16 15:15:02

I got a small inheritance when my brother died. I couldn't get it spent fast enough because having it made me feel awful. I just wanted it gone, but i had to spend it on worthwhile stuff so it took a while.

It was such a confusing feeling.

Salmiak Thu 29-Sep-16 15:28:01

I bought my house with inheritance (mainly money from my granddad). However,when my dad died, I kept a bit back from the house fund (around £3000), and put some of it towards a beautiful piece of art which brings me joy to look at every day- it has pride of place in the living room, and put the remainder in a separate account. On my birthday I take out enough to buy a present for myself from him, sometimes it's only a small amount other years it's a bigger present. It's been over ten years now and the money has nearly gone, but I get comfort from the thought that my dad is still 'treating' me to birthday presents.

meridithssister Thu 29-Sep-16 15:50:27

Imagine having this conversation with your mum. She was clear about wanting you to have the money, and knowing you would be able to buy a house probably brought her some peace and happiness in her last years. It was the final thing thing she could do for you as her mum.
As much as it makes you sad, it made her feel good.
flowers for you, and I hope you find happiness in your new home.

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 29-Sep-16 16:11:24

It's such a relief to hear that I am not barking.

thanks to all of you who have suffered losses too.

It is nice I suppose to think of her helping us with our family home, and when we do finally get one we can plant a nice tree in the garden for her.

EA called to confirm that their sales progressor has now contacted our solicitor so its just the waiting game now I guess.

I did ask her for some advice about being a savvy buyer as I have never been in this position before and she was really helpful, but she did say that as I have the grant of probate and my mums/financials/a house in conveyancing that we should be able to secure a mortgage or at least an agreement in principal, based on the fact that the money for the deposit will soon be paid, rather than wait for the money to be paid (as technically we have it tied in equity, no different to if we were selling a property of our own) but this cant be right surely?

MackerelOfFact Thu 29-Sep-16 16:11:57

I totally get it. There's something that feels horrible about taking pleasure in a material possession that you are only getting due to the death of a loved one.

However, you're not being horrible. The money was given to you by your mother to help buy a house, so it would be a snub if you just ignored it and poured it into rental instead. Unfortunately there isn't the option to give the money back and get her back instead. sad

I'm so sorry. It's so hard. But she would be pleased that she has been able to continue to support you and have a positive impact in your life for many more years to come through the money she has left you. flowers

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 29-Sep-16 16:13:38

Exactly mackerel I would give every penny of it, and more just to have more time with her. Thats all she wanted when she discovered she was terminal, time. And she never got it sad

mintthins Thu 29-Sep-16 16:14:45

Just imagine how lovely it will be to walk towards your own front door, and be able to thank your mum every single time for getting you there. (Speaking from experience).

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 29-Sep-16 19:02:40

It will be lovely mintthins

Bogeyface Thu 29-Sep-16 19:54:07

I know what your EA means. In a normal house sale you would complete on your old house and the money would then be transferred straight into the sale for the new house, with the mortgage making up the rest. The only difference in this case is that you are dealing with vacant possession so there is none of the chain nightmare of loads of sellers/buyers all trying to complete and transfer money at the same time. Your best bet would be to see a financial advisor as they will be able to explain it in more detail.

fabulous01 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:58:46

I bought a house within weeks of my mum passing. She was only 54 and I was 25. Hardest thing I did but the house was the right price, etc etc so we had to act quickly.
There was no inheritance.
I like the idea of keeping some aside for gifts but it is a good investment and I am sure her regret was not seeing you in it

Jayfee Thu 29-Sep-16 20:05:16

My mum died in horrible circumstances and we could have sued for compensation. I decided if we did sue I would have to give that money away as it would feel like blood money. But when i die, the money for my children is money I have worked hard for and us mums want to make life easier for our children. It is quite raw for you, so you might need to leave it for a bit but you know buying a home is the right thing and what your mum wanted for you.

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