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DW says my claim that normal middle aged couples have sex once a week is wildly OTT

(288 Posts)
DadSeeksWifeInstructionManual Thu 29-Sep-16 12:35:46

We're both 51 (and DS is 7). We've averaged sex about once every 3 weeks for the last 6 years. But that's only because I keep asking - otherwise it would be never happen.
She enjoys it when we get round to it, but never initiates as she's tends to get carried away with her latest book/ tv show/ marking of homework etc. (BTW I do all the shopping and cooking).

Is once a week unreasonable?

Blueskyrain Thu 29-Sep-16 12:38:09

Yes, I'd personally want a fair amount more, barring illness, circumstances which make that impossible etc. Once a week may be a good compromise for you both, but it very much is still a compromise.

OdinsLoveChild Thu 29-Sep-16 12:39:21

I hope you have your hard hat on because you're going to get flamed for this grin
Incidentally why do you think its remotely appropriate/romantic or desirable for you to expect sex once a week? What does your wife want? Shouldn't it be about what yo both would like?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 29-Sep-16 12:39:51

Once a week is unreasonable if that is more often than she wants. You need to talk to your wife about this, not us.

LittleDittyAbout Thu 29-Sep-16 12:40:10

Stop pestering her. Ew.

Tinklypoo Thu 29-Sep-16 12:40:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven Thu 29-Sep-16 12:41:36

Odins yes it should be about what both spouses want. However it's unreasonable to withhold sex unless there are medical reasons, either mental or physical or exhaustion.

MakemineaGandT Thu 29-Sep-16 12:41:45

Hmmm......I'd say once a week is entirely reasonable in terms of expectations. However, there is no fun for either person unless it's a mutual wish.......being coerced into sex is a major passion killer. So, whilst YANBU in terms of your wishes, you need to tread carefully. Communication is key - talk to her - what is holding her back? Don't get angry with her - she may be missing sex too. Does she still find you attractive?

thecatsclinkers Thu 29-Sep-16 12:42:32

Im in your situation....although I would like sex numerous times a week.

My DH would be happy with once a month.

Sadly we are on the once a month road rather than a compromise.

YANBU in my opinion, but because you are on MN, you will probably take a beating. If a woman posts the same, the responses are usually very different!

bilboteabaggin Thu 29-Sep-16 12:43:00

God how unreasonable that you should wNt to have a sexual relationship with your partner and not have to feel like she's doing you a favour when you occasionally do have sex

My advice LTB go be with someone who wants you as much as you want them!

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing Thu 29-Sep-16 12:43:08

Well, it doesn't matter what other couples do though. It matters what you both want. And they seem to be different things...

AnythingMcAnythingface Thu 29-Sep-16 12:43:57

I'm a bit younger, but dh often works away so we usually have a lot while we are together. While he is home it is mosts days at least once. I imagine it wouldn't be daily if he was home every night.
Yanbu to want it. But a weekly requirement seems really stifling and not at all a turn on!

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 29-Sep-16 12:43:57

You wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you. So it doesn't really matter what anyone else does, does it?

Have you asked her if she'd like to make a regular date for doing it, then you won't be asking her and you can both look forward to it? Is this what happens once every three weeks?

Describing what you do is nagging is pretty grim and not very respectful. She's a person, not a thing.

Soubriquet Thu 29-Sep-16 12:44:45

Stop bloody asking

Do you know how much a turnoff it is to have a man begging for sex?


We have it once a month and that's plenty for me.

Dh would love it more but I don't. I shouldn't have to have sex if I don't want it

fuzzywuzzy Thu 29-Sep-16 12:47:22

that's so clinical, ex used to say normal couples would have sex several times a nit every single day, or something horrendous like that. I didn't want to touch him with my worst enemies barge pole frankly.

We have sex when we're both in the mood, sometimes we might go sometime without having sex, because we have a lot on are tired, not in the mood, just want to cuddle.

Do you spend time together just being together, enjoin one another's company without pressuring your wife for sex?

I don't think every middle aged couple has sex once a week, no.

OdinsLoveChild Thu 29-Sep-16 12:47:29

However it's unreasonable to withhold sex unless there are medical reasons, either mental or physical or exhaustion

Err no it isn't. Its unreasonable to expect sex on the basis you are married/long term partner and you fancy it once a week and under the illusion that everyone else gets it once a week so you feel left out. Its not a prize for behaving yourself and its not a right either. angry Its something 2 (or more) people engage in who are mutually respectful of each other and enjoy sharing their bodies with each other that they have wholeheartedly consented to. I'm going before I get really cross and say something inappropriate.

XinnaJane Thu 29-Sep-16 12:47:47

If age doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex. We're all entitled to not feel like doing it. Equally, you're entitled to not feel like the relationship works for you on current terms. But ultimately you shouldn't be badgering her to have sex she doesn't want.

mintthins Thu 29-Sep-16 12:48:28

Someone who thinks that doing the shopping and cooking means they deserve sex really is not remotely attractive enough to get sex. Why on earth do you think that relevant? (Rhetorical, by the way, don't want an answer) Eurgh.

XinnaJane Thu 29-Sep-16 12:48:34

*she, not age

FlyingElbows Thu 29-Sep-16 12:48:54

"It's is unreasonable to withhold sex unless there are medical reasons..." are you for fucking real? Go to the relationships board right now and you will find posters who live every day with that bullshit. In the real world we call taking one for the team "rape". No person should ever feel obligated to have sex they do not want. Not ever. To coin a mumsnet favourite in this instance "no" really is a complete sentence.

witsender Thu 29-Sep-16 12:49:55

However it's unreasonable to withhold sex unless there are medical reasons, either mental or physical or exhaustion

How about..."I don't want to"? Seems like a good enough reason to me.

whattodowiththepoo Thu 29-Sep-16 12:51:19

I'm not sure I could be in a relationship if we had massively different libidos. If DP is in the mood and I'm not I get in the mood.

acasualobserver Thu 29-Sep-16 12:51:34

It sounds as if you need an e-stim device OP. There's an interesting thread about this going at the moment.

Tinklypoo Thu 29-Sep-16 12:52:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blueskyrain Thu 29-Sep-16 12:52:34

Of course someone shouldn't have to have more sex than they want, but sex is a reasonable expectation in a marriage, and if its not there, then there's a massive risk of the relationship falling apart.

I wouldn't want to be in a sexless/low sex marriage.

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