about DP working away...?

[Piffle]

I'll try to keep this as short as poss.
WE used to live in Hants, we moved to Lincs in Sept 04 for great grammar school for DS, better house for your money and semi rural lifestyle. All achieved, all happy, dd (4) has mild special needs, is due to start school Sep 07 in perfect tiny village school where she will thrive. DS (13) doing very well in yr8
I'm expecting a baby boy in March.

When we moved DP's company got bought out by US giant - he is in IT but is managerial, often defence projects (high security cleared) obv being RAf in Lincs plenty of work up here...
However he spent first 2 yrs of our move, working back in Hants, we were to a point utterly miserable.
He laid it on the line, told them he would quit if he could not get based back in Lincs so duly 01/01/07 he started back up here
Marvellous!!! All going BRILL!
He is booked to a project ending March - due to coincide with paternity leave for new ds.

Right today he rings.
Job in
London, un spec time prob 1 yr or more.
working from home or Lincs office 1-2 days per week, daily commute to London via 1st class train other 3-4 days.
Leaving at 6.30am (waking at 5.45am - means waking me and prob baby as well) getting home at 6pm (which I seriously doubt by the way)
We're half an hour from the train station too.
He is keen on the job as it ticks a lot of his boxes and his work really want him on the job, possibly with terms he can tweak.

I just am depressed beyond words at the thought of managing 3 kids - one newborn between 5-7pm on my own.
He is not the most supportive hands on Dad at weekends wither although he is very good at doing things you ask him.

F f

[Piffle]

First paragraph to underline, NO RELOCATION considered!
Ps no more money by the way expenses only.

[marymillington]

Does he have any choice in the matter?

[Tortington]

work from home monday and friday. in his diary. non negotiable and denior management must be told.

not 1 or 2 days - two days! at home!

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm, any chance you can afford some extra help on the days he's away? An au pair? Or a spare local teenager?

I struggle with this sort of issue sometimes, and wouldn't tolerate DH being away that much.

[PoppiesMum]

What if he says no?

[footprints]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think the two of you need to really talk this over.

[foxinsocks]

oh piffle

[foxinsocks]

sorry I didn't come up with any suggestions but I can imagine how excited you were to finally have him nearer home only to have this thrust upon you

[Soapbox]

Hmmm - would like to be supportive Piff, but I think there are loads and loads of parents who are not home by 7pm in the evening. And in your case it would only be for 3 days a week.

Your elder child is olderand your DD coming up for school, IIRC, so for much of the day you would just be looking after the baby.

I think it is hard for the parents who go out to work to bring in money for the family - it is a bit responsbility, and I think I would prefer my DH to be working at something he really enjoyed (as I would myself).

If you really think you will struggle with this then why not think about trying to get an A-level student or the like, to come in and help with tea and bath time?

Make sure he gets the London salary though - that way you should have a bit spare to pay for some help!

[ComeOVeneer]

I agree with Custy non-negotiatable home Mondays and Fridays. The other 3 days although it is daunting, with good organisation skills you can do it. DH works in London (1hr commute each way) for an American firm so long hours. Weekdays are excecuted with military precision. All out the house by 8.15, dh dropped at train station, dd to school. I do everything at home feed, bath and bed kids by myself. It is tough but it can be done.
Of course its not for every family and I would like dh home more, but as he is coming up for partnership if a couple of years, devotion to the job is currently very necessary.

[3andnomore]

Hm...IF he could say no....but he doesn't want to say no...how would that effect your relationship? Would he take it o.k. or would it make life unbearable?

To me, personally, it is important that my dh is happy in his Job. He is in the Army, so, there are times away, and not always at the most suitable of times and, I am not claiming to be always completley happy when things go tits up, but in the long term this is part of why our relationship works.If he is happy he is a much better person to be with.

Some extra help might be a good option, if you can afford it.

[ComeOVeneer]

Oh and I don't think you are unreasonable not to be happy about it. Is this going to be a job that dh will really enjoy, as that is a very important factor too? If so I would try to make it work as best as possible.

[3andnomore]

oops, soapbox and I x-posted and said somehting along the smae lines, eh!

[Piffle]

Ds is a great help that is true and capable of cooking and bathing dd.
Dd will be at school but not for 6 mths.
There is no salary increase mentioned. But I'll get him to change that
I did mention to him that I might need some home help at some point. He just ummed.

He has been back home working for 1 mth, then he is seconded again, after telling them he had to be nearer home, I guess a daily commute is not the end of the world BUT I know his company and I know leaving and being home by 6-7pm from London is fantasy pure fantasy.

We are talking tonight - IF he can keep to the hours he says he can, then maybe it's ok.

[Soapbox]

Piffle, if it helps in the negotiations, what DH and I usually do if we are busy at work is to have one super late night a week (obviously different ones for each of us) and then leave bang on time for the other nights.

Since having children leaving the office at 7pm means I don't see them in the evening as they will be in bed when I get home, so I might as well make it 11pm if I'm going to work late. Then for the rest of the week I am home on time

If he did 2 days at home, 1 super day in London and 2 days home by 6.30pm, would that work?

[Tortington]

it may be easier on him if he stopped over?

this much depends on the couple.

i know i have muchly considered it if a position came up in the city, doinf much the same thing. working locally mon and fri. do the commute tuesday - by wednesday i would be fucked irritable tired and pissed off. stay over wednesday to thursday.

if he gets mileage the milage may cover the cost of a stop over if he's willing to drive.

[Oati]

I think I agree with Soapbox - 3 late nights a week will be a vast improvement over him working away all week .

Dh is at hme today , but will be leaving to catch a plane at 4pm.

He is often away, but it is really nice when he's working at home and that is quite a good compensation

[foxinsocks]

the thing is, they've buggered you around before (this company) haven't they piff? with respect to his hours, increasing responsibilities etc.?

I want to say it's doable (and I do have a dh who is away a lot and has unpredictable hours) but I think your dh needs to be VERY tough in the negotiations and make sure he gets exactly what he asks for (increased salary, guaranteed days in Lincs etc.).

[dejags]

Poor you Piffle.

I also think he should go for the working from home compromise.

At least that means he'll be there in the mornings on two days a week to watch the baby whist you do the school run.

Only downside is, is will you drive each other nuts being at home together 4 days a week?

[Piffle]

Quite
I have 2 brothers in London who he could easily stay with if he needed to.
Yes I suppose technically one super late day and 2 ordinarys could work - but yes the compnay have dicked us/him around hugely in the past, so I am very sceptical.
It could work IF the hours stuck

[PoppiesMum]

Agree with the stopping over comment. Could he work from home Mon (and Fri), go to London Tuesday and stay Tues & Wed night, and then leave to come home at a decent time on Thurs? That way he could work late Tues & Wed if he needed to. It is a tough decision, but dh does something similar and it works for us. When he is home he is not overtired and it's quality time.

[Piffle]

Dejags working from home could mean working from our local office too. But no him being home is no biggie, he has an office, I'm busy elsewhere. We like being together
I have to admit the thought of being woken at 5.30am 3 x a week horrifies me when it's not me who has to get up

[kickassangel]

piffle, i've been there & done that so often it's not true.
think abour some people who have no partners or absent partners.
it can be done
the worst thing is when dp is working such long hours thqat he's too exhausted, but that could be offset by 2 days at home. just ask if that is actually going to happen - would he be able to pull out if he starts & the hours just keep addingup? that is probably the big worry - they say one thing, then it ends up being an hour later, then another! i know how it goes!
it's perfectly reasonable to be upset, but how much damage will it do to his career if he says no - i presume you all benefit from the money he earns? how long will it go on for? again, a few weeks is very different to a few months. can he still have some time off before he starts? would they pay for a cleaner, some help - dp's co. have sometimes paid extra childminding

[Oati]

Think yourself lucky Piffle - dh has been getting up at 4am to catch a plane once a week recently and 5.30 am on the other days if he is working in London.

[dejags]

Quite Piffle. 5.30am is the middle of the blardy night in my book.

I am currently setting my alarm for 5.45 because I need to be up by 6am (I need the extra 15 minutes for my eyes to open). This is totally out of necessity though, I loathe getting up early.