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To go NC over a tiny thing, but in the bigger picture is the final straw?

(103 Posts)
ClarkL Thu 29-Sep-16 09:26:11

I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. We've never been particularly close although it took me a while to realise it.
Essentially she got married a few years ago, I wasnt part of the wedding party at all and I was pretty surprised. Found out I wasnt a bridesmaid as 6 years previously (yes, she holds a grudge) she had a car accident with my son. I found out by my parents calling to say she'd been in an accident and was in hospital. I asked how my son was, they had no idea he was in the car or how he was. luckily he was fine, as was my sister (think putting it on for a compo claim, seatbelt trauma she called it) I was furious that it took 3 hours for anyone to contact me again to update me and made it clear she wasnt taking him out alone again. Not stopping from seeing, but not having him alone because frankly I should have been one of the first to be called and told he was ok, it wasnt the accident it was the handling of it.
So move forward to me asking why im not involved in the wedding to be told its because of how I stopped her from having her nephew after this incident.
Move forward a couple of years, she has a baby. Im last to know, found out the name through facebook and was told no visitors...except all the ones uploading pictures on facebook. I was allowed to visit after 2 weeks.
so needless to say with my wedding she was invited but not part of it, as an olive branch I provided her accommodation, she was sat with bridesmaids and included at all points.
I hear nothing from her until there is a facebook message telling me shes pregnant.
Then (and this is the final straw) an invite for her nieces birthday arrives in the post to my kids. We live 2 hours away so understandably I say no.
Sister see's my son when he was at his Dads, says she'll be disappointed if he isn't there. My mum then steps in tells my daughter and son she'll take them.
So son and daughter last night call to confirm details.
then I get a message saying I need to collect them Sunday. I say no, then im told I need to meet half way Sunday. I say no. Then im told im hurting my Mum by not helping her out. I explain that shes promised the kids, my sister has guilted them into going (this is an 11 and 10 year old to a 3 year olds party) and it's her mess to sort not mine.
The more I think about this whole thing the more angry I am getting. I havent seen my niece since my wedding and wouldnt have known about her being pregnant if it hadn't been for facebook. I want to tell my sister to not contact me or my kids again and I want to tell my Mum to butt out and not make promises to them about anything again.
every time something kicks off I get ridiculously upset that I am the one being told to be nice and make concessions (even to the point of, you must make your sister a bridesmaid to make amends for her excluding you....WTF??!) So instead of getting upset I want to cut her off, then she cant do anything to upset me or drag the kids into...AIBU?

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 29-Sep-16 09:30:40

Yanbu. You'll struggle to get your mum to accept it though. Maybe just withdraw. Unfollow on Facebook, don't make any effort to contact and just avoid getting drawn in.

Thefitfatty Thu 29-Sep-16 09:31:44

Sorry...the way I'm reading this it's you who kicks off all the time. I think YABU.

FlyingElbows Thu 29-Sep-16 09:32:51

You sound like a jealous child. Sorry.

Soubriquet Thu 29-Sep-16 09:34:04

I think you sound as bad as each other tbh

Huldra Thu 29-Sep-16 09:35:29

I was going to say the same as Giddy, is it possible to withdraw rather than make an absolute no contact decision and proclaim it.

Maybe rely mum needs to sort put travel arrangements with me directly, then engage no further on the issue.

ClarkL Thu 29-Sep-16 09:36:49

Giddy we are no longer friends on facebook, although I can see when mutual friends tag her in stuff. I was planning on telling her I don't want her to contact me and blocking her so I can't see her being tagged. I don't see the point in explaining because when people are in the wrong they simply won't see if, even if I explain until I'm blue in the face and I just think it'll cause even more upset.
You are right, I don't think my Mum will accept it because I am continually getting little digs about me being the one to offer peace, my wedding offering apparently wasn't enough. I know my Mum wont say anything to my sister as my sister has often cut my Mum out and I think Mum is too scared for that to happen now she has Grandchildren.

fakenamefornow Thu 29-Sep-16 09:37:23

I agree with fit you seem 50% responsible. I would try to keep contact for the sake of your children and nieces having a relationship in the future.

eggyface Thu 29-Sep-16 09:38:16

Sounds like you are equally hurt and annoyed with each other.

ClarkL Thu 29-Sep-16 09:38:35

For those who think I sound jealous, Can I ask what parts? I genuinely mean this because if I thought I was, I would amend my behaviour, perhaps because it's been going on so long I can't see it?

fakenamefornow Thu 29-Sep-16 09:39:33

when people are in the wrong they simply won't see

Yes, very insightful, except I think it's you this applies to.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 29-Sep-16 09:41:06

Oh fuck all that olive branch shite

She had a car accident with your child in the car, and no fucker called you I mean really?
Cut her out and tell mum to not get involved, and yes I am projecting I'm sick of idiots in families
Getting away with behaviour to the detriment of other for years.

There rant over, as you were op flowers

Thefitfatty Thu 29-Sep-16 09:44:29

Well for starters you banned your sister from taking your son out alone because she got in a car accident? Was the accident her fault? Because if not, that's really over the top. She was in the hospital, so I can understand why she didn't call you right away, especially if he was fine.

I also don't see why you refused to let your kids go to her child's birthday. Perhaps that was her extending an olive branch and that's why your DM and she were so insistent on them coming?

DoloresVanCartier Thu 29-Sep-16 09:44:52

I can see both sides, I think you stopping your Dsis taking your nephew out alone was a very harsh punishment for what was an accident (I'm sure she didn't mean to crash). Whether it's minor injuries or not, she was likely to be in shock and perhaps wasn't thinking straight. You obviously trusted her enough to allow her to take your son out alone, so I think this "punishment" was harsh. However I think she is being unreasonable if you have already said you weren't attending the party due to logistics and getting your mum involved

Thefitfatty Thu 29-Sep-16 09:45:58

She had a car accident with your child in the car, and no fucker called you I mean really?

Her parents called but they didn't know her son was in the car. It then presumably took them 3 hours to find out how he was. Long yes, but reasonable if the hospital wasn't next door.

ClarkL Thu 29-Sep-16 09:50:05

The car accident was 10 years ago. My sister was fine, she called my parents and told them she was off to the hospital. My issue wasn't the accident, my issue was the lack of information about my son and how he was.
I called the hospital to check, but it still took 3 hours before family called me to tell me themselves, my sister didn't contact me once.
Yes I was angry, she wasn't allowed him out alone because in my mind if someone has an accident with someone else's child they need to call the parents and start the call with 'Blah is fine, we've had a car accident but Blah is not hurt' that's exactly what I did when I had a bump with someone's child on the school run.

RitchyBestingFace Thu 29-Sep-16 09:51:05

She had a car accident with your child in the car, and no fucker called you I mean really?

Agree with this absolutely. I don't understand the other responses to be honest. confused So your parents didn't know your son was in the car but your compos mentis sister did. Unbelievable.

FlyingElbows Thu 29-Sep-16 09:51:31

I simply do not believe that if your sister and son were admitted to hospital following a car accident that nobody phoned you. Everything else is just petty. But I say this as someone who is nc with their own mother after a lifetime of emotional abuse where the final straw was when she actually did endanger my children's safety. I just can't gather the same feeling for your sister's terrible offence of inviting your kids to a party! I don't doubt your feelings are genuine but, in the nicest way, you're talking about blocking on Facebook and the sort of tit for tat teenage bullshit that jealous kids go in for.

Liiinoo Thu 29-Sep-16 09:54:54

You are both very unreasonable.
And I can say that with confidence as your relationship sounds spookily like me and my DS. I am generally a mature, reasonable person but when I am with her I regress to a toddler.

Soubriquet Thu 29-Sep-16 09:55:47

The birthday party issue is very petty

They have tried to compromise by taking your son and asking you to meet half way to collect

What more do you want?!

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 29-Sep-16 09:56:23

This is one of those complicated and subjective accounts where we can't make any judgments unless we hear her side of things.

Beeziekn33ze Thu 29-Sep-16 09:57:16

Think of your mum - meet them half way. Life's too short and to hold bitterness.
Still extraordinary that you were not told about your son the car crash, am I right in thinking that your parents weren't told either? Very odd.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 29-Sep-16 09:58:26

I'd cut contact with sister and I'd go low contact with mother to be honest.

I cannot imagine a single parent who'd cheerful wave away their child being in an accident and the driver not calling immediately to let the parent know the child was ok.

The sister was not hurt, her priority should have been to communicate to OP her child was unhurt.

I don't think YABU at all.

ClarkL Thu 29-Sep-16 09:59:12

Sorry I didnt think the car accident would be the main debating point in all this!
My sister drove herself to the hospital. That's how unserious the accident was, Taxi drove into her, police attended, no ambulance called. She was well enough to phone my parents and tell them she'd been in an accident and was going to hospital.
They called me to tell me she was hurt in an accident and going to hospital, they would go there to see how serious and update me. They had no idea she had my son as she didn't tell them.
Yes it took 3 hours for an update because that's how long it took for my sister to be seen - it would have been very easy to arrive at the hospital, see her at A+E waiting room and call me. At this point my parents are equally at fault, they accepted this fault when I told them how worried and upset I was, she did not. That's why I said she wasn't having him alone because she couldn't react appropriately in an emergency.

Discobabe Thu 29-Sep-16 10:00:28

I'd be livid if my child was in a car accident and no one contacted me!! YaSOnbu on that one. The wedding thing I dont think anyone should assume/expect to be involved. The party thing, you'd said no, it's two hours away. They shouldn't have undermined you but I'm not sure it's all worth going nc over.

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