in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

[Soubriquet]

That sounds very vindictive

Best thing you can do is not rise the bait

If you ignore her, it will piss her off more

Hopefully you will give birth before the party and can take the newborn along and show baby off. She will be seething with rage

[Mrsemcgregor]

She sounds out of order to me. "Let yourself get pregnant"!!! Pfft was her DS not involved?!

She sounds like she is living in the 50s or something. Ignore her and continue to celebrate your pregnancy, drive her mad with your happiness!

[TaterTots]

She's a cow - and is manipulating and twisting your circumstances to suit her. She doesn't believe in children before marriage, so has therefore cast you as some girl her son rather unfortunately got pregnant, as opposed to his partner and someone he's actively having a child with. That's why you're getting the snide comments about 'allowing' him to attend a family party (that you pointedly haven't been invited to).

You need to keep on telling your partner, even if it seems like he isn't listening. If you just give up it will go on and on.

[KatharinaRosalie]

So what did your DP say when you told him that? Laughed and said that 'Don't be silly mother, of course I'm not leaving my partner's side on her due date if she's still pregnant, or we will be home with our newborn', I hope?

[DoinItFine]

Hopefully you will give birth before the party and can take the newborn along and show baby off.

She has been told she is not invited yo the party.

Sorry, OP, this woman is a nasty, manipulative cunt.

I think you need to decide to have nothing whatsoever to do with her from now on.

Zero contact.

For you and the baby.

People like her are poison.

Your relationship won't last unless your DP comes to see what she is.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

She's a bitch.

[callmeadoctor]

Im sure that you can start to think of some suitable responses when she next gets a dig in like " yep, your son couldn't wait to put a condom on!!!

[ijustwannadance]

Next time she opens her mouth like that when alone with you, tell her that if she doesn't stop with the vindictive bullshit you will make sure she never sees her grandchild. Or have your phone nearby with the voice recorder on.
Surely your DP must think it's a bit off that she books a family party on your birth date? If it was my DP, and he went to said party, he would no longer be my DP.

[Notonthestairs]

Planning a family party for your due date is shitty - unless it's an anniversary of some sort in which case it's not kind but maybe unavoidable.
But Ignore her behaviour. Don't let it put a wedge between you and your partner. She's hoping you'll make a fuss.
Rise above it. You've got a baby on the way (congratulations!) and hopefully a lovely supportive partner.
Let her grind herself in to a sweat whilst you plan your future. You've got lovely things ahead of you!

[rjay123]

Re the party - id say "excellent. If the baby comes early, we can bring him/her along to meet all the family".

That'll shut the *** up

[Notonthestairs]

Ps I imagine the other party goers will think she's unpleasant for booking the party for that day too - it won't go unnoticed.

[DollyBarton]

Don't let her get to you.

Phoning before scan - she didn't get her way. If she mentions it again say breezily 'don't be silly, we had our scan! DH wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was a lovely moment'

The party - 'of course I'll be there, as long as baby hasn't arrived. If it has unfortunately neither of us will make it but fingers crossed!'.

Anything related to baby before marriage - 'Oh no, we're so excited about baby. Marriage just isn't important to either of us right now.'

Repeat with a smile each time.

[Chinnygirl]

Record her. Let DP listen to it and tell him to deal with her.

[Notonthestairs]

Also you should absolutely go to that party - sit in a chair and let everyone else make a fuss of you. Don't be hidden away.

[SandyY2K]

She's a nasty piece of work isn't she. I wouldn't be alone with her ever again. I'd tell your DP what she's been saying and if this is her attitude she wouldn't be seeing much of her grandchild if I had anything to do with it.

Why does she blame you for getting pregnant early on? Her precious son could have taken responsibity.

Regarding her party, I'd be so tempted to tell her the midwife has given a revised date of birth and baby is due 2 weeks earlier, so you'll be delighted to come to the party.

What an evil woman she is.

[HairyLittlePoet]

Your MIL has booked a party for your due date, has specifically uninvited you, and has requested that your DP spends your due date at a party and not with you?

And your DP doesn't see a problem?

[DoinItFine]

The OP is very clearly not invited to this party.

Of course she shouldn't go.

And neither should her partner.

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

Right first she's a cow. No argument.

Now you know that you've got to grow a backbone, stand your ground and take the high road... it's not easy, but neither is this.

Play her at her own game. When you are with her and dp is present say "I thought about that event and of course I will attend. I wouldn't dream of missing it, but it was so thoughtful of you to think of me. Unless I'm delivering your grandchild with my dp, we'll be there.... you might even have a wee baby show stealer on your hands (tinkly laugh). But thank you for considering me. (Don't take a breath) Shall I pop the kettle on? Who wants some of this cake it's nearly past it's best!"

You can't be fake, you gotta let it wash over you and stand your ground. It will take practice, but my mil got much better once I appropriately stood up to her.

[Buunychops]

He's gaslightling you and him, there's another poster here Lurking Husband (i think thats the name) who could tell you some horror stories of he and his wife having similar done to them.

I think you need to pounce on this HARD and now. Next time you're in a room alone with her record the conversation on your phone. If she says anything nasty repeat it and ask her to explain.

For example the party one:
'So you've booked a party on my due date but aren't inviting me because you think I'll be uncomfortable? Don't you think if I'm too uncomfortable to attend a party I will need DP with me to help me??'

Remember this is her personality, and while you might not have seen this side to her up till now it would have come out eventually. He will have been brought up with this 'just being Mum' or ' you know what she's like' and chances are would realise how nasty she's being till he hears it.

Good Luck

[SandyY2K]

Don't be silly mother, of course I'm not leaving my partner's side on her due date if she's still pregnant, or we will be home with our newborn', I hope?


^^^ This

If he doesn't have your back and see through what she's doing ..... you'll have a rough time.

[PotteringAlong]

Family party on your due date = not a problem

Family party that you are specifically not invited too and she wants your DP to go to without you = big problem

[phugop]

Thanks so much everyone, it helps just to hear that I'm not being crazy and imagining all this!!!

[JinkxMonsoon]

Don't let her get away with making snide comments when you're alone.

When DP comes back into the room, make a point of repeating back what she just said. Breezily say "So DP, your mum was just saying how disappointed she is that we're ruining the family tradition. Haha, isn't she funny" then silence. Wait for her response. Then wait for his. If he doesn't stand up for you, then (Mumsnet cliche alert) you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

[SandyY2K]

Of course you aren't crazy. But your future MIL is.