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To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

(143 Posts)
Alittlebitloopy Wed 28-Sep-16 08:51:12

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house hmm

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

mrszc Wed 28-Sep-16 08:52:41

Your brother is being a lazy entitled shit. Don't let him guilt you into it - he is being absolutely unreasonable

FruitCider Wed 28-Sep-16 08:53:14

Your brother is an adult. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to increase a 4 hour journey to 6. Why isn't he making his own way to where you are meeting?

BlossomCat Wed 28-Sep-16 08:54:49

If it's that important to him, he'd make sure he could be picked up easily. YANBU.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 28-Sep-16 08:55:04

I was going to say you were unreasonable, until I read your post. He seems to be objective to everything you are suggesting! I think I would stick to your guns and tell him you will be there at your mums at such and such a time. You aren't stopping him, he is!
Sorry about your dad flowers

winewolfhowls Wed 28-Sep-16 08:55:27

Sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you have been more than helpful to your brother, and you don't need any additional stress or jobs to do at this difficult time so leave him to his own devices if he is not willing to compromise.
Perhaps he feels like he should go to see your dad, but fears doing so, so is creating barriers subconsciously?

originalmavis Wed 28-Sep-16 08:55:29

Sorry about your dad.

How old is your brother? Has he heard of these marvelous things called trains and taxis?

WhateverWillBe Wed 28-Sep-16 08:55:31

It's not really the time for tit for tat.

Yes he is being lazy and entitled but people aren't generally at their best when they're grieving.

Be the bigger person and go pick him up. Don't let it turn into ructions as i'd imagine it's the last thing anyone needs.

LIZS Wed 28-Sep-16 08:55:59

Does he have an issue which makes travel difficult?

senua Wed 28-Sep-16 08:57:09

Not getting this at all. You have gone to the effort of borrowing a car and are willing to drive him. In contrast, he is not prepared to make any effort at all.
Explain again: why are you feeling guilty?

potoftea Wed 28-Sep-16 08:57:55

It wouldn't be your fault if he missed out even if you totally refused to have any involvement in his trip. If he wants to see your dad, then he will do so regardless of your help. You are being really helpful to him, and he is putting in zero effort, so don't put yourself out more than you already are.
Sympathies on your loss too, be kind to yourself, you are going through a tough time too, and need support rather than being dumped on by your brother.

Soubriquet Wed 28-Sep-16 08:59:36

Under normal circumstances I would say stand your ground

But this is potentially the last time your brother will ever see his dad. There's no do overs or try again later. This is it. Done. Finito

Go and fetch him this time. But make it clear it's the last time you will ever go out your way to do it

TheLaundryLady Wed 28-Sep-16 08:59:37

So sorry for your loss. Has your brother any reason for his reluctance - learning disability , autism etc ?
If not he is being a lazy entitled spoilt brat and YANBU

Heidi41 Wed 28-Sep-16 09:00:38

Firstly I would like to extend you my condolences I am so sorry op you must be very upset over the loss of your Dad. Secondly it is not your fault your DB is going to miss seeing your Dad for the last time. He is a grown man , he has to make his own decisions and you have to let him do that. If he can't be arsed to shift himself to take one bus after all you are doing ,then I am afraid he will miss seeing your dad . He is being totally unreasonable and taking you for granted. I don't know if this is the role you have adopted in the family or just this once but it isn't good for you to have to bear .I think you will probably capitalte and pick him up for your own peace of mind or you will feel guilty but it isn't right , you shouldn't have to do this

mysistersimone Wed 28-Sep-16 09:01:20

Does your brother really want to see your Dad or is he putting obstacles in his way?
I think grief does strange things to folk and they can act oddly. I think you're doing a generous thing, you're grieving too. If he can't help himself a little then he doesn't need babying. Tell him you'll pick him up from your mum's, he's obviously not giving you fuel money so don't feel he can argue it. Does he get on with your mum? Is there a reason he'd not want to see her? Ask him outright why he can't do this

toriap2 Wed 28-Sep-16 09:01:56

I am so sorry for your loss. To be honest, it sounds as if your brother is struggling with the loss of his dad, as you must be. When I first lost DH, even the smallest thing out of the norm sent me into a panic and seemed overwhelming. That said, he needs to do his best to compromise and meet you at your mums. You are being very kind to pick him up and he needs to realise this. It would not be your fault in any way if he decides not to meet you. You have done everything you can to facilitate it, but there is a limit.

HanYOLO Wed 28-Sep-16 09:02:07

Whilst grief can make people behave in strange ways, you are being more than reasonable.

He wants you to borrow a car and spend 6 hours driving him around because he can't be bothered. That is not.

Unless he has disabilities or mental health reasons (it sounds as though he may) why getting a small part of the journey closer under his own steam is impossible for him, I would say that you need to prioritise your own wellbeing at this point.

Is he perhaps in such dire financial straights that he can't afford the fare part of the way. Could you or your mum sort out a ticket for him instead of all the driving?

Hockeydude Wed 28-Sep-16 09:03:28

Is your brother an independent adult?

dowhatnow Wed 28-Sep-16 09:03:54

Tell him you'll pick him up at his mums. If it's important to him, he'll be there. Dont feel guilty.

BewtySkoolDropowt Wed 28-Sep-16 09:03:56

Could it be a financial issue and he is too embarrassed to admit he can't afford the bus fare?

Failing that or medical reasons he is being unreasonable.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 28-Sep-16 09:04:19

It wouldn't be your fault, it would be his.

senua Wed 28-Sep-16 09:05:19

Have I read this right - that this is a private visit before the funeral. So if you acquiesce this time then you will have to do it all over again for the funeral?

shovetheholly Wed 28-Sep-16 09:06:06

Does he have mental health issues? It sounds a bit like he might have some kind of social anxiety or obsessive-compulsive condition?

Kewcumber Wed 28-Sep-16 09:06:23

You need to say to him (very reasonably) that it isn't reasonable for you to add 2hrs to a 4 hour drive and could he find a way to be at your Mum's by 10am in whichever way he chooses.

"I really want to help you see him if that's what you want but you need to help yourself too, I can;t drive for 6 hours"

Presumably you have to do it all again in reverse as well?

Non-drivers very often don;t get how exhausting driving long distances can be.

diddl Wed 28-Sep-16 09:10:14

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Is your brother offering to pay for the car (or would you be hiring anyway?), petrol?

I think that he should make it to your mums tbh, you are already doing a 4hr journey.

Op has also lost her dad & deserves consideration from her brother!

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