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AIBU?

To ask about age gaps?

31 replies

clappedoutbanger · 27/09/2016 17:42

Ok so basically I'm 40 and single. A couple of disastrous dates and relationships later and I've realised I have feelings for someone I've know for a long time. Since I was a child basically.

The thing is he's 60, I've always been attracted to older men but never this much older than me.

So I'm just wondering, would I be unreasonable to pursue this, give it a chance? I really don't want to ruin a good friendship if things don't work out. Also, has anyone else had such a large age gap and has it worked out?

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DerekSprechenZeDick · 27/09/2016 17:44

I think it's the known since a child thing that will affect it.

Sure you want to throw away a friendship because that is the chance?

Age gaps do work but it depends on the people TBH. All the happy ending stories on Mn doesn't mean you will have it

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MitzyLeFrouf · 27/09/2016 17:44

Hmmm, tricky one. Do you suspect he reciprocates your feelings?

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clappedoutbanger · 27/09/2016 17:47

Yes he feels the same, I've known about his feelings for ages, I just never realised I felt the same until a few weeks ago.

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MitzyLeFrouf · 27/09/2016 17:50

I suppose you have to decide if it doesn't work out will it be worth the potential awkwardness. Normally I'd say have a fling and see where it takes you but if he's going to be in your life anyway I'd suggest taking a more cautious approach.

Also, what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want children?

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AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 17:51

Can I ask the context in which you knew him as a child?

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clappedoutbanger · 27/09/2016 17:54

No, definitely don't want children, I have 2 dc's already. He is a friend of my parents.

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Mousebank · 27/09/2016 17:55

So when you were 10 say he was 30? Hmm

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MitzyLeFrouf · 27/09/2016 17:56

I don't think that's necessarily problem as presumably he's attracted to the adult she is, not the child she was.

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AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 18:04

I'd say it's not weird. Well it is a bit weird, but that's OK. It's not like he was a youth club leader or something. And now you are 40, and he fancies the woman you have become, not the child you were.

Here's a wee consideration. Forgive me if I'm on another page comepletely: Were the previous relationships bad luck or self sabotage? Have you stuff going on that makes having successful relationships difficult? Is this the right time or do you need to iron out anything first? This is a big risk and you need to be confident it has a fighting chance.

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QueenLizIII · 27/09/2016 18:07

A couple of disastrous dates and relationships later and I've realised I have feelings for someone I've know for a long time. Since I was a child basically.

You had feelings for someone when you were a child and he was 20 years older than you.

Ok.

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PinkSparklyPussyCat · 27/09/2016 18:08

So when you were 10 say he was 30?

It's not as though she's still a child.

If you both feel the same way then I would say go for it. DH is 20 years older than me and it doesn't make any difference us.

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Mousebank · 27/09/2016 18:08

In the OP it doesn't say that he fancies
Her back!

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MitzyLeFrouf · 27/09/2016 18:09

No but in a later post she says Yes he feels the same, I've known about his feelings for ages, I just never realised I felt the same until a few weeks ago.

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AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 18:12

Do you know what, I'm just gonna say this and get flamed because of course you posted here to hear all opinions but...

Don't let the opinions of strangers about the snippet of information you've given about you life decide your path.

Think about it, really think about it. You do have the answer to this question .

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dlnex · 27/09/2016 18:19

It's fine, but consider:
When you are 60 - nearly retired, DCs adults, you potentially will have an 80 year old man, who will be decreasing a capability as you have more time to spare. This may not happen of course, and is fine if you like staying at home looking after people. If he knows your folks, he might be wanting to 'see you right' but really I think they might be a bit judgy.
I have nearly gone there, but the thought of every single holiday in a camping thingy type van, like forever, was far too alarming.

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e1y1 · 27/09/2016 18:21

Age gap - no problem at all, age is but a number. I know couples with the exact same age gap as you and this man you have feelings for.

It's the knowing you AS A child bit that I personally would find unusual; as he would have still been an adult in all your childhood (20 when you were born).

However, if you and this man are comfortable, what is stopping you? You're not doing anything illegal.

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clappedoutbanger · 27/09/2016 18:23

With regards to disastrous relationships, my ex, who is 53 by the way in case it matters, was an abusive alcoholic. We broke up 3 years ago and since then I've been on a few dates, but nothing special.

QueenLizIII no I didn't have feelings for him when I was a child, I just meant I've know him since I was a child. Sorry i didn't make that clear.

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AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 18:29

I always think it's stupid to warn'when your 60 he'll be 80...' as if op can't count.

When you're 110 you'll both be dead. Enjoy the now.

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TiltedNewt · 27/09/2016 18:31

I'd be more concerned that when you are 50, he is 70. When you retire and have time to do things, he'll be 80-85. I have a friend with this age gap in her marriage and now she's 45 she is really feeling it, but they have had 25 years together at this point.

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TiltedNewt · 27/09/2016 18:32

Yes enjoy the now, but be aware that it could have a huge impact further down the line.

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SandyY2K · 27/09/2016 18:33

It's him being friends with your parents that would be an issue for me.

I'm not crazy about age gaps. I don't want to be a carer. At 50 he'll be 70. I know anything can happen at anytime, but I'm thinking about the law of average here.

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dlnex · 27/09/2016 18:40

Anything - in your opinion it's stupid to point out the very likely future and live for the moment. However OP has asked for views. I have female relatives in the 60 with long term partners in their 80s, their lives are very restricted, they are unhappy. OP could live for the moment, in your world, I am sure this 60 year old would take a great deal of care of her , they would have a ball - at the moment- when he is in his 80s - she can live 'for the moment' again, and put him in a home.

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AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 19:07

Yes.
And he can have happy memories of their time together and she can have happy memories of their time together.
Don't live in fear, that's the quickest way to unhappiness.

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thelostboy · 27/09/2016 19:19

A friend of my DP has just moved in with a long lost acquaintance she first met through an interest in music.

DP's friend is 45, her new partner is 72. First proper relationship for either of them. He's a nice bloke and ideal for her. The question "what first attracted you to the aging millionaire philanthropist?" has never crossed my mind.......Blush

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Farmmummy · 27/09/2016 19:21

My DH is 18 and a half years older than me and we are together 10 years, married six and a half. We were best friends for a few years before we got together and he was there for me as and after I came out of an abusive relationship while I supported him through losing his dad (his mum died a few years prev). We got together when I was 25 and had our first dd when I was 27 he did worry at first people would think he was too old to be a dad etc but as he saw I couldn't have cared less what people think (about us or pretty much anything else) he has relaxed. We are great together, don't get me wrong I could cheerfully strangle him sometimes but I'm quite sure he could do the same with me but we are still best friends and have been through illness, two beautiful living daughters and a son and daughter forever in our hearts. We also run the farm together so an age gap relationship can work

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