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To ask about age gaps?

(32 Posts)
clappedoutbanger Tue 27-Sep-16 17:42:50

Ok so basically I'm 40 and single. A couple of disastrous dates and relationships later and I've realised I have feelings for someone I've know for a long time. Since I was a child basically.

The thing is he's 60, I've always been attracted to older men but never this much older than me.

So I'm just wondering, would I be unreasonable to pursue this, give it a chance? I really don't want to ruin a good friendship if things don't work out. Also, has anyone else had such a large age gap and has it worked out?

DerekSprechenZeDick Tue 27-Sep-16 17:44:36

I think it's the known since a child thing that will affect it.

Sure you want to throw away a friendship because that is the chance?

Age gaps do work but it depends on the people TBH. All the happy ending stories on Mn doesn't mean you will have it

MitzyLeFrouf Tue 27-Sep-16 17:44:40

Hmmm, tricky one. Do you suspect he reciprocates your feelings?

clappedoutbanger Tue 27-Sep-16 17:47:48

Yes he feels the same, I've known about his feelings for ages, I just never realised I felt the same until a few weeks ago.

MitzyLeFrouf Tue 27-Sep-16 17:50:02

I suppose you have to decide if it doesn't work out will it be worth the potential awkwardness. Normally I'd say have a fling and see where it takes you but if he's going to be in your life anyway I'd suggest taking a more cautious approach.

Also, what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want children?

AnythingMcAnythingface Tue 27-Sep-16 17:51:20

Can I ask the context in which you knew him as a child?

clappedoutbanger Tue 27-Sep-16 17:54:20

No, definitely don't want children, I have 2 dc's already. He is a friend of my parents.

Mousebank Tue 27-Sep-16 17:55:26

So when you were 10 say he was 30? hmm

MitzyLeFrouf Tue 27-Sep-16 17:56:35

I don't think that's necessarily problem as presumably he's attracted to the adult she is, not the child she was.

AnythingMcAnythingface Tue 27-Sep-16 18:04:58

I'd say it's not weird. Well it is a bit weird, but that's OK. It's not like he was a youth club leader or something. And now you are 40, and he fancies the woman you have become, not the child you were.

Here's a wee consideration. Forgive me if I'm on another page comepletely: Were the previous relationships bad luck or self sabotage? Have you stuff going on that makes having successful relationships difficult? Is this the right time or do you need to iron out anything first? This is a big risk and you need to be confident it has a fighting chance.

QueenLizIII Tue 27-Sep-16 18:07:14

A couple of disastrous dates and relationships later and I've realised I have feelings for someone I've know for a long time. Since I was a child basically.

You had feelings for someone when you were a child and he was 20 years older than you.

Ok.

PinkSparklyPussyCat Tue 27-Sep-16 18:08:26

So when you were 10 say he was 30?

It's not as though she's still a child.

If you both feel the same way then I would say go for it. DH is 20 years older than me and it doesn't make any difference us.

Mousebank Tue 27-Sep-16 18:08:33

In the OP it doesn't say that he fancies
Her back!

MitzyLeFrouf Tue 27-Sep-16 18:09:50

No but in a later post she says Yes he feels the same, I've known about his feelings for ages, I just never realised I felt the same until a few weeks ago.

AnythingMcAnythingface Tue 27-Sep-16 18:12:08

Do you know what, I'm just gonna say this and get flamed because of course you posted here to hear all opinions but...

Don't let the opinions of strangers about the snippet of information you've given about you life decide your path.

Think about it, really think about it. You do have the answer to this question .

dlnex Tue 27-Sep-16 18:19:28

It's fine, but consider:
When you are 60 - nearly retired, DCs adults, you potentially will have an 80 year old man, who will be decreasing a capability as you have more time to spare. This may not happen of course, and is fine if you like staying at home looking after people. If he knows your folks, he might be wanting to 'see you right' but really I think they might be a bit judgy.
I have nearly gone there, but the thought of every single holiday in a camping thingy type van, like forever, was far too alarming.

e1y1 Tue 27-Sep-16 18:21:24

Age gap - no problem at all, age is but a number. I know couples with the exact same age gap as you and this man you have feelings for.

It's the knowing you AS A child bit that I personally would find unusual; as he would have still been an adult in all your childhood (20 when you were born).

However, if you and this man are comfortable, what is stopping you? You're not doing anything illegal.

clappedoutbanger Tue 27-Sep-16 18:23:27

With regards to disastrous relationships, my ex, who is 53 by the way in case it matters, was an abusive alcoholic. We broke up 3 years ago and since then I've been on a few dates, but nothing special.

QueenLizIII no I didn't have feelings for him when I was a child, I just meant I've know him since I was a child. Sorry i didn't make that clear.

AnythingMcAnythingface Tue 27-Sep-16 18:29:47

I always think it's stupid to warn'when your 60 he'll be 80...' as if op can't count.

When you're 110 you'll both be dead. Enjoy the now.

TiltedNewt Tue 27-Sep-16 18:31:03

I'd be more concerned that when you are 50, he is 70. When you retire and have time to do things, he'll be 80-85. I have a friend with this age gap in her marriage and now she's 45 she is really feeling it, but they have had 25 years together at this point.

TiltedNewt Tue 27-Sep-16 18:32:42

Yes enjoy the now, but be aware that it could have a huge impact further down the line.

SandyY2K Tue 27-Sep-16 18:33:46

It's him being friends with your parents that would be an issue for me.

I'm not crazy about age gaps. I don't want to be a carer. At 50 he'll be 70. I know anything can happen at anytime, but I'm thinking about the law of average here.

dlnex Tue 27-Sep-16 18:40:20

Anything - in your opinion it's stupid to point out the very likely future and live for the moment. However OP has asked for views. I have female relatives in the 60 with long term partners in their 80s, their lives are very restricted, they are unhappy. OP could live for the moment, in your world, I am sure this 60 year old would take a great deal of care of her , they would have a ball - at the moment- when he is in his 80s - she can live 'for the moment' again, and put him in a home.

AnythingMcAnythingface Tue 27-Sep-16 19:07:31

Yes.
And he can have happy memories of their time together and she can have happy memories of their time together.
Don't live in fear, that's the quickest way to unhappiness.

thelostboy Tue 27-Sep-16 19:19:13

A friend of my DP has just moved in with a long lost acquaintance she first met through an interest in music.

DP's friend is 45, her new partner is 72. First proper relationship for either of them. He's a nice bloke and ideal for her. The question "what first attracted you to the aging millionaire philanthropist?" has never crossed my mind.......blush

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