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...to find the mother of dd's friend a bit over the top? - Sorry, long!

(24 Posts)
emsiewill Mon 05-Feb-07 21:43:04

Dd1 has friends who are twins, they are aged 10. One of the twins has got into the school choir, one hasn't.

I saw the mother tonight (who I am friendly with - as in we chat when we see each other at child-related events) and she was absolutely fuming that one child was in and one was out. Now the one who didn't get in has apparently been crying all weekend about it, which obviously is upsetting for the mother, but she was basically ranting on and on and saying things like "people are only jumping on the bandwagon as the choir did so well last year". Both her dd's were in it last year and the year before, but as it is for junior age only, then there are new people eligible every year, so to my mind there are no guarantees.

At this point I should explain that the choir will be entered in a local Eisteddfod (Welsh cultural festival), if they do well they will go through to the regional one, and then to the national Eisteddfod if they do well enough in the regionals. Last year they came second in the nationals, which is apparently a big deal. Hard for me to understand what this really means, as I am not Welsh, and was not brought up in that circle, which is apparently v cliquey. The mother, however, was, and I get the feeling that it means more to her than just a children's singing competition.

She ended her rant saying that she was going to have a word with the teacher in charge of the choir and say that if ddA couldn't be in the choir, then she was going to withdraw ddB . I find this quite astonishing. I can understand being upset at the distress of your child, and perhaps being surprised that they didn't get in again after 2 years of being in it, but what sort of lesson is this teaching her children? If you don't get what you want, regardless of whether you are good enough or not, then moan until you get what you want, or 'take your ball home'.

If her ddA does get put into the choir, that will mean that someone else who has already been told they have been chosen will have to be removed (as there is a strict limit on the number of people). I almost pointed that out to her, but held my tongue.

I am a little less than impartial, as my dd2 has got in for the first time this year (first year she has been eligible), so in theory it could be her being chucked out to keep the mother happy...also, I don't like the insinuation that we are "jumping on the bandwagon". Dd2 likes singing, that's why she wanted to do it. However, if she hadn't got in, I would have comforted her, but wouldn't have let her dwell on it, and would have helped her to look on it as a lesson in life....

So, is she being unreasonable, or am I being too unsympathetic?

mummytosteven Mon 05-Feb-07 21:47:20

oh it's a difficult one. I have a degree of sympathy for the mother, as it will be hard having one twin in the choir and one not, as the one not will feel it's a bit rubbed in when her sister goes away for these contests etc, but I suppose it's the flipside to being involved in such a prestigious choir, that it is going to be very competitive.

tommysmama Mon 05-Feb-07 21:57:00

I totally agree with you.
Unfortunately 'thats life' and things arent always fair! This is a lesson we all have to teach our children at some point and though we all do whatever we can to keep our children happy, there has to be a limit.

This womans ddB was obviously not good enough to get into the choir (sorry) so thats just a lesson the child will have to learn.

Pulling her other child out then punishes that child for being good enough to get in, and will make her resent her sister!

I feel really sorry for you, i wouldn't know what to say to this woman in this situation!

Maybe she could try to get ddB into activities that she is better at or would prefer to have something that is her own rather than having to do 'twin things' all the time?

emsiewill Mon 05-Feb-07 21:58:10

Yes, I suppose I hadn't thought of it like that - in our house dd1 isn't in it, dd2 is, but dd1 didn't want to be, so won't be bothered. It will be hard for twinA to watch her sister being part of something that she has been excluded from. I also know that the mother feels she has given a lot for the school/choir over the last couple of years - a lot of running around etc.

However, I do think that at 10, they have to learn to cope with the sometimes shitty things that life throws at them. You just can't phone the school and complain every time your child is passed over for something.

WWWCampbellBlack Mon 05-Feb-07 21:59:23

She's bloody mad.
Stay out of it!

mummytosteven Mon 05-Feb-07 22:00:23

oh I think calling the school about it is NOT on.

emsiewill Mon 05-Feb-07 22:01:49

Sorry, I was replying to mummytosteven when I was saying I hadn't thought of it like that.

I am hoping that she was just ranting and getting it all out of her system, and when she calms down she will see that she will be punishing one of her daughters because of the other one.

The one who has got into the choir is also doing a couple of solos and is in the 'unison group' (not sure how it translates from Welsh, that's the best I can do). She is also very talented on the harp, and there is a lot of focus on her musical talents. I never thought the other one minded...

fireflyfairy2 Mon 05-Feb-07 22:04:24

She hasn't even stopped to think about how unfair it would be to the daughter who did get in the choir!! If she removes her that will be awful & very very unfair.

she's being very unreasonable if you ask me.

SSShakeTheChi Mon 05-Feb-07 22:05:34

She was good enough to be in the choir 2 years running and now she isn't? Doesn't sound right. I think it is ok for the mother to speak to the teacher or whoever is responsable about it. Now she's fuming but she'll have calmed down by the time she actually has the talk and something positive may come out of it.

I don't think much of the way this school choir is handled tbh.

emsiewill Mon 05-Feb-07 22:07:31

Like I say, I'm hoping she will calm down a bit and have a rethink...

...re staying out of it, I am going to try my best, but we have a very intertwined after-school activity timetable with this family - the twins come to my house for tea before their ballroom dancing class, and dd1 goes to theirs before gymnastics, the choir rehearsals will be mixed up with the logistics of all this, so I can't just avoid her completely.

And I do actually get on well with her, just have some differences of approach to things that can be difficult sometimes.

emsiewill Mon 05-Feb-07 22:08:42

But there are different people auditioning for the choir every year, so I don't find it completely unbelievable that there are people who have come up that are better than her. They are not choosing from the same group of children every year.

Daydream007 Wed 19-Apr-17 13:29:24

I agree with you. She is setting a bad example to her daughter by spitting her dummy out when she doesn't get her own way. Getting on in life should be on merit and not on how big a fuss you can create when things don't go your way. The mother is ridiculous.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 19-Apr-17 13:59:40

The mum's actions are unreasonable and unfair to the second twin but it's also ridiculous of the school to pull one twin out. They made it to second place with her last year so she can't be that awful.

At the end of the day it's just a stupid singing competition for kids. Schools should be nurturing. I wouldn't want my children to be taught that competing and coming first is everything. The teacher would have been well aware how upset everyone would be. Why cause so much trouble?

LittleMissNaice Wed 19-Apr-17 14:00:23

Yes Daydream, but given that the children involved are now age 20, I imagine they're over it.

andintothefire Wed 19-Apr-17 14:35:20

LittleMissNaice - that made me laugh out loud!

I wonder if the very exclusive junior school choir ever won the national Eisteddfod..

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 19-Apr-17 14:47:11

I suspect on other occasions the mother will be bleating on about how her children should be treated as individuals and not lumped together as twins!

I'd let the school deal with it. If she persists with the either both or nether stance I hope the school go the neither route and the mother can deal with both her kids being upset instead of just one!! Hopefully, they'll put her in her place and if they don't and wimp out I hope it's not your daughter that suffers as a result.

KC225 Wed 19-Apr-17 14:47:39

Seems a bit unfair to me. I would be fine to separate if they had auditioned for the first time but as she has been in the choir for two years previously, to throw out one and keep the other......... I don't blame her

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 19-Apr-17 14:48:15

Oh dear - only just saw this is a ZOMBIE thread. If the original Op is still on here please tell us whatever happened! grin

Finola1step Wed 19-Apr-17 14:49:23

It would be interesting to know how the mother in question dealt with the teenage years.

KC225 Wed 19-Apr-17 14:49:57

Just seen they people involved are 20. I assumed they were young teenagers

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Wed 19-Apr-17 15:40:52

@KC225 they are 20 now as this is a 10 year old zombie thread lmao

Floggingmolly Wed 19-Apr-17 15:45:42

What would you be searching for to pull up a 10 year old thread? confused. Is Daydream one of the twins who still hasn't gotten over the unfairness of her youth?

4390482098courtesy Wed 19-Apr-17 16:11:48

So, is she being unreasonable

If she is still going on about it 10 years later, then YES, she is being outrageously unreasonable wink

AmserGwin Wed 19-Apr-17 17:21:24

ZOMBIE ALERT!!!!

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