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To tell my dm to sod off and not stay with her during christmas

(8 Posts)
Solina Mon 26-Sep-16 17:44:37

I recently had some examinations done due to stomach problems I have been having for the past 4 years. For some reason I decided to tell my not so DM this and she decided to tell me that all of my issues are caused because of the greasy junk food that I have everyday and a simple change to my diet would sort everything out. She also told me to stop ordering so many take aways.

Now this would be a valid point if it wasnt for:

A. I follow pretty healthy diet, home cooked and plenty of veg and fruit, room for improvements as most people have but I do not eat junk and I also dont order take aways very often. If we do we tend to have sushi!

B. She lives in a different country to me and we speak rarely and see each other once or twice a year so she is not here to assess my diet every day.

I am due to go to visit during christmas, flights booked and will not cancel as my DSis is pregnant and will have a new baby then that I cant wait to meet. I stay with my parents when I visit but I feel that I have had enough of my DM now and am tempted to ask if I could stay with either a friend or my DGM.

I had to listen to my mums comments of my weight for 18 years until I moved out and even now it hurts me when she makes these comments.
My DSis talked to her and asked to stop these comments and our DM just said "oh but she eats so much treats..." my sister couldnt believe her!

WIBU to tell her to sod off and leave me alone unless she is able to behave and tell her I am considering to stay with someone else this christmas?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 17:48:26

Def wouldnt be putting myself through that sort of Xmas experience! She sounds like a bloody nightmare.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain Mon 26-Sep-16 17:54:36

Stay at a hotel or with your friend. Snuggle with your gorgeous niece / nephew, help your sis out and enjoy a great Christmas without your mum.

twilightcafe Mon 26-Sep-16 17:59:19

Yes to all the above.
YANBU.

Solina Mon 26-Sep-16 18:15:46

Thanks smile

Unfortunately there are no hotels to stay in, its a small village.

It might all blow over by then and I might end up staying again. If I do it wont be all bad, my dad is absolutely the nicest person ever and it will make the 10 days of suffering ok. I will talk to my DGm and see if I could stay there at least some of my visit...

GeekyWombat Mon 26-Sep-16 18:56:08

I'm so sorry to hear you're having this OP, I know how upsetting it is and can totally relate. Visiting my family has similar dynamics - complete with snide comments about my weight / health / fitness, all of which are described as me being thin skinned if I respond to them.

Thankfully I live close enough now that visiting can be something done for a few hours and forgotten, but for many years I used to live far enough away that I'd have to come home for a minimum of four or five days to make the journey worthwhile. It made for relentless, upsetting times and while I know this sounds melodramatic it used to leave me with a weird emotional hangover that meant I'd come back from a long weekend feeling like I needed a long weekend at home, alone, not speaking to anyone, to recover.

I ended up coming to the conclusion calling my family out on their comments was pointless - it just made the situation escalate, and the visits more awkward. I had no wish to go NC with them, so as a coping mechanism switching places to stay worked a lot better - I'd spend a couple of nights with my parents and then go on to an aunt, my sister, etc. Over time it meant that the visits were less hideous. Even my mum at her most tactless had to go some to say SO many upsetting things in 36 hours, and while there was a bit of grumbling about me moving about overall it made the visits nicer all round.

Hopefully that (and cuddles with your new niece / nephew and the lovelier more tactful members of your family) will make Christmas bearable. If not, where would you go? Do you think you'd enjoy it, or feel bad at not being around family?

Solina Mon 26-Sep-16 20:57:43

I know the feeling of being tired after visiting and feeling like you need some time after to relax. Actually often I feel relaxed once I am back home.
I am sorry to hear you have had to go through the same Geeky.

Things were easier when I lived closer, it would only have to be an hour or so and not a week or 10 days. I too have no wish to go NC as it would mean having to go NC with my dad and I couldnt bear it. I do love my DM no matter what but I just cannot cope with her for long time, she is just too tiring with constant criticism about everything.

I will look into staying with friends and other family this time for a part of the time. I can also spent some of the days at my dsis house spending time with my nephew and baby n.2 and my sister.

I only have to do this every other christmas so next year we will spent it in the UK with OH family. I love going home for Christmas but the stress of my DM is awful.

SabineUndine Mon 26-Sep-16 21:00:10

Don't stay with your DM. If she complains, tell her why. My dad made endless snide comments to me about my weight, and then moaned cos I didn't visit. He never worked out cause and effect.

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