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Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

(165 Posts)
DuckingAunts Mon 26-Sep-16 14:14:42

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

Lilaclily Mon 26-Sep-16 14:17:25

Could you swap which days you have your step child so their mum can take them ?

TheSparrowhawk Mon 26-Sep-16 14:17:31

This child has two biological parents. Why are you even worrying about it? You have a blinking newborn!!

MidniteScribbler Mon 26-Sep-16 14:35:44

So if this was your biological child, would you take them?

lizb30 Mon 26-Sep-16 14:40:47

I have a child that's just turned one. My husband works long hours and is gone from morning until late at night.
Between the 2 older children I have one day where I don't need to be taking them/picking them up from after school activities, many nights quite late. You just get on with it. I wouldn't dream of stopping them as it's things they enjoy.
If it's hard for you change the day. But as another poster said, would you stop your own children?

Witchend Mon 26-Sep-16 14:40:47

I think of those I know for almost all families one of the parents ends up doing pretty much all the school/activities pick ups etc. For me, dh rarely does more than occasional pick ups.

I would totally disagree that two afterschool activities are "loads" it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask to do a second.

I've 3 dc and my stipulations are that a) it is possible with activities already happening, b) they attend pretty much every week they are well enough.
Yes, there are times I'm dragging tired/hungry children around, but then it works the other way. Now dd1 is old enough to look after ds, so if I'm taking dd2 to something she babysits him. That's payback for the times I dragged a toddler and newborn out for her things.

JaniceBattersby Mon 26-Sep-16 14:48:33

I have three children and another on the way. They can all do one activity on a week night and one at the weekend until they're old enough to take themselves there.

Kids don't 'have' to do all the after school activities they want. I certainly couldn't when I was little because it was far too expensive. I think it is a good lesson to learn that we can't have everything we want and I don't think it's cruel that they miss out on somethings because you don't have the energy to facilitate it all. He has two younger siblings. There are compromises that need to be made.

Linpinfinwin Mon 26-Sep-16 14:49:57

I agree that 2 activities doesn't seem like an unreasonable ask from a 9 year old. However they do need to be things that fit round everyone else. My first questions would be could they do a school based activity instead (ours has several where you just pick them up an hour later than normal, no ferrying around)? And can your DH flex his hours one night a week for this?

How would it work when you go back to work? If it becomes unsustainable then, it seems reasonable not to start.
My eldest is 9 and we are finding activities are a bit easier now because they are getting later. I can drop them off at the start and DH picks them up on his way home from work. No hanging around for either of us.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 26-Sep-16 14:50:15

if it were my biological child, I would not even. it wont kill him, just say no. only 1

minipie Mon 26-Sep-16 14:50:25

Could you call up the activity organisers and see if there is another child who lives near you signed up? If so, then you might be able to carpool and reduce the number of journeys that way?

minipie Mon 26-Sep-16 14:53:13

Oh, and if it were me, I'd say no - biological child or not. I never did any after school activities as there wasn't any transport available, so I don't really see them as the be all and end all.

That said I guess weekend activities are more difficult if he's in different places EOW, so I'd be more sympathetic about weekday activities because of that. Still though, I think 1 is enough.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 26-Sep-16 14:53:30

2 activities is loads when you only have that child for 2 nights a week and they are on those nights.

And stop with the bio child nonsense, the fact is the DSC has 2
Parents, if he wants to do the second activity the father should find a way to finish early that night and take him.

My DC go to 3 activities a week, but they both go to the same ones at the same time which makes it much easier. We'll have a newborn come March, I'll have to reassess what I can do then as FH will be working away for weeks on end, and it's all up to me.

CozyAutumn Mon 26-Sep-16 15:01:33

YANBU to not do either tbh. Put your foot down.

Your DSC has two parents who can do it. You concentrate on your own children's routines and leave the parents of your DSC to run their child from A to B in all weathers and at inconvenient times. You have bigger priorities.

If this was your own child, you would arrange activities at times that suit your own routines.
I think it's a disgrace that this has been put on to your shoulders if I'm honest. Cheeky parents.

DuckingAunts Mon 26-Sep-16 15:03:23

So if this was your biological child, would you take them?

Probably not blush. Not until the baby's a bit older at least.

Oblomov16 Mon 26-Sep-16 15:07:52

If it can be fitted in, then yes. If not, no.

Only you can decide what is reasonable, what you are predicated to do and what you can manage. And that's different for all of us.

CozyAutumn Mon 26-Sep-16 15:12:07

Probably not blush. Not until the baby's a bit older at least.

No and I don't blame you either. I have a toddler and baby as well as an older child. If my older child wants to an activity at 6 o'clock then it will just not be doable. For now at least. A weekend activity would be much more doable.

Can your DSC not do something at the weekend when there is a bigger time window and it's not just restricted to after school hours when younger siblings are tired?

CozyAutumn Mon 26-Sep-16 15:13:43

Even better, can they not an activity when the parents are available to actually take them to the activity rather than leave it to you?

BertrandRussell Mon 26-Sep-16 15:17:20

What"s the activity and what time does it finish?

Only1scoop Mon 26-Sep-16 15:17:41

Get your Dh to sort it, make arrangements etc 2 nights I wouldn't do

Only1scoop Mon 26-Sep-16 15:18:05


JessieMcJessie Mon 26-Sep-16 15:33:58

Why would the DSC's own Mum not arrange for him/her to do it on another night, or even do the pickup herself but drop him at your place? Is the activity something she disapproves of?

MatildaTheCat Mon 26-Sep-16 15:40:09

It doesn't work regardless of whether the child is a SC or not. You've clearly agreed to act as parent when DSC is with you and that means acting with the interests of all of you.

It will be a real pain dragging the little ones out at bedtime when it gets cold and dark. I'd say sorry but no. Perhaps look for an alternative at the weekends.

DustOffYourHighestHopes Mon 26-Sep-16 15:42:22

I wasn't allowed any after school activities until I was much older and could bring myself back home.

Parents were working.

Happens all the time.

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 26-Sep-16 15:47:11

I would my while the babies are so young. Is a nightmare and will only stress you all out. He has 3 other weekday evenings where his other parent can take him to things. Yore already covering one afterschool. That's enough on your part.

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 26-Sep-16 15:48:03

Sorry, I wouldnt!

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