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To want him to sort out his past with his ex and look towards a future with me?

(45 Posts)
FancyBookLearnin Mon 26-Sep-16 09:56:58

Hi, first-time poster so I don't know any of the shorthand - sorry!

I'm in mid 20s, boyfriend is in early 30s. We've been together 10 months. He is separated from his wife (she cheated and left him for another man) and plans to divorce her. They have a little girl together, BUT she is a treasure and I adore her as though she was my own, so no issues there.

The future ex-wife, however, IS an issue. She keeps asking my boyfriend for more money to support the child, even though she doesn't work and she is raising her new man's child without complaint. My partner, who has a full-time job, is struggling to make ends meet, and he looks after the child on a few evenings each week, as well as weekends - so he's pulling his weight. He does say no to her, but then she starts playing games, which I know is hard for him - especially if his child is involved.

Yesterday was a rare day that we both had some time off, and the child was with the ex. It was meant to be some nice couple time for us. Instead, one text from the ex asking for money, and suddenly, he's in a bad mood and ranting, knowing I'm powerless to help him.

That said, I do make suggestions.

Why not go to court? - Can't afford it (fair play).
Just tell her what you feel - can't risk upsetting her.

I've even suggested that I could move in and help him financially, i.e. pay half of the bills. I'd like to move out of my parents' house (they're great people, but I need my own space), so it would work well for me. But he seems so reluctant to make a future with me. It's always "I want to get things sorted first", which I understand, but he isn't making any real big steps towards that - including getting a divorce finalised. Everything is "someday". Well, how long will it be until "someday"? I don't want to wait forever! I'd like a future with him and maybe even a family of my own in a few years.

I want to support him and be there for him, but at the same time, I want him to be proactive about things. Maybe it's just a quarter-life crisis?

TheSparrowhawk Mon 26-Sep-16 09:59:25

He doesn't want a future with you. Get the message.

neonrainbow Mon 26-Sep-16 10:02:22

He needs to be more proactive. I wouldnt suggest jumping in with both feet. A difficult ex will make your life a misery.in fact id probably cool things off a bit.

Oswin Mon 26-Sep-16 10:04:23

Well he should be paying maintenance, doesn't matter if she works or not.

Seems he isn't ready yet to properly move on.

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 26-Sep-16 10:04:30

You aren't ever going to come first when your DP has DCs with someone else. That's how it must be. If he was ready and willing to build a future with you, he'd be doing it. It sounds as though you're making the suggestions and he's just dallying about. I hate the phrase "just not that into you" but in this case it sounds very much that you're the one hoping for big things while he enjoys the perks of having someone fawn over him.

SmellySphinx Mon 26-Sep-16 10:06:49

Ten months isn't that long although I do understand where you're coming from wanting to hurry things along and help him too. How long ago did he separate from his ex?

franincisco Mon 26-Sep-16 10:07:52

It seems that you want more from the relationship at this point than he does OP. He is clearly telling you that he is not ready to commit to you at this point. It sounds like he hasn't fully got over his ex.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 26-Sep-16 10:11:25

TheSparrowhawk

don't mince your words hey?

OP , tread very carefully, this man has got BAGGAGE with a capital B

you are in your mid 20s, focus on yourself, your life, your career as really he might be better suited to someone who also has kids, and you to someone- better!

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 10:15:30

Ask him how he sees 2017 panning out. Tell him you dont see yourself still seeing a married man.

AyeAmarok Mon 26-Sep-16 10:17:25

I think you need to slow way way down.

10 months in?

You don't love his DD like she's your own. And that's relatively quick for you to be moving in together as well (especially given the two of you are clearly not on the same page about the relationship).

You're being a bit dramatic. Take a giant step back. Let him sort his shit out in his own time.

VladmirsPoutine Mon 26-Sep-16 10:19:16

I do think you are acting very brashly here. 10 months in and you're thinking about moving in with him to help him pay the bills confused. ]
He hasn't done anything yet as he's not ready. And if you're already steaming about child support payments now then you really don't even know the half of it.
Let this one go.

gingina Mon 26-Sep-16 10:21:03

Why are you putting yourself through this?
Look at how he is handling things and ask yourself if you can cope with this for another 10-15-20 years because the ex wife won't go away because they have a child together and she will always be in his life.
His reluctance to formalise things and get the divorce moving shows that he doesn't want to move things forward with you which isn't a good sign, especially 10 months into the relationship.
Don't wait around for him for too long - you are young and need to put yourself first. It's great that you want to help and that you get on with his daughter but don't let his divorce and his problems drag you down.

Bambamrubblesmum Mon 26-Sep-16 10:22:07

Sparrowhawk a pale and less sophisticated imitation of Any Fucker there hmm

Does he pay a fixed amount of maintenance every month OP?

gingina Mon 26-Sep-16 10:23:58

Also when you are in your 20s and child free 10 months is the ideal point to move things forward. However in your 30s with a child and an ex wife it is too soon.

londonrach Mon 26-Sep-16 10:28:42

Too much too quick...slow it down. Rent separately if you want to leave your parents. dont move from parents into his house. Renting separetly will Give you some Independence and distance. As for ex wife not working and maintenance thats nothing to do with you. Let that bit go. His dd will always matter more than you to him.

doji Mon 26-Sep-16 10:39:26

Basically the dynamic between him and his ex won't change. You'll always have this drama in your life if you stay with him. You can't change this, so either accept it, or decide that actually you'd rather be with someone with less drama and baggage and move on.

Catsick36 Mon 26-Sep-16 10:44:46

He's still dealing with his baggage. His head is not in any place to move on with you and won't be because rightly his child should come first in his priorities. You're expecting too much too soon. Move on and find someone at the same stage as you.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Mon 26-Sep-16 10:49:03

I'll tell you something, when you've been in love with, lived with, married and had a child with someone, then it's all gone tits up (and continues to regarding access/money etc.), the last thing you're thinking about it doing it all over again any time soon!

You may well be planning all those things for the not-to-distant future but when he says "someday" that is precisely what he means; he means "perhaps one day when everything's settled down a bit I'll feel up to doing this all again". He does not mean "I'm definitely up for that, I just have a few practicalities to attend to first", which seems to be how you're hearing it.

If you need commitment or at the very least availability rather than someone to just pass the time with, this is not your man. He hasn't got a lot to offer you right now. Whether or not he'll ever be able to offer you what you say you want... well, it's a gamble I wouldn't want to take.

FancyBookLearnin Mon 26-Sep-16 11:30:19

Thanks everyone for your input.

To clarify, he does pay maintenance, but the original amount was agreed between them on a civil basis, not in any sort of court. I guess I just wish they had something a bit more concrete, so everyone would feel a bit happier and more stable. Also, I maybe was a bit dramatic when I said I love the little one like my own - yes, I know my love will never match her birth mother's, not in a lifetime - but I wanted to highlight that I am happy to have her around and that she is not the issue.

Having a read-through your comments, I feel, in hindsight, I am going a bit fast. I have anxiety disorder, which I'm working on with medical help, and part of me is paranoid that if I don't move towards a future with him, he may go back to her, even though he absolutely insists that he won't. Also... and this is embarrassing... he's my first boyfriend. I've dealt with a LOT of idiots in the past but waited for the right man, or at least, a GOOD man. Now that I've found one, I'm doing my best to make things work.

PS: Can someone please explain DD and DH to me? As I've said, I'm new here, so I don't know these shorthand terms.

FancyBookLearnin Mon 26-Sep-16 11:30:20

Thanks everyone for your input.

To clarify, he does pay maintenance, but the original amount was agreed between them on a civil basis, not in any sort of court. I guess I just wish they had something a bit more concrete, so everyone would feel a bit happier and more stable. Also, I maybe was a bit dramatic when I said I love the little one like my own - yes, I know my love will never match her birth mother's, not in a lifetime - but I wanted to highlight that I am happy to have her around and that she is not the issue.

Having a read-through your comments, I feel, in hindsight, I am going a bit fast. I have anxiety disorder, which I'm working on with medical help, and part of me is paranoid that if I don't move towards a future with him, he may go back to her, even though he absolutely insists that he won't. Also... and this is embarrassing... he's my first boyfriend. I've dealt with a LOT of idiots in the past but waited for the right man, or at least, a GOOD man. Now that I've found one, I'm doing my best to make things work.

PS: Can someone please explain DD and DH to me? As I've said, I'm new here, so I don't know these shorthand terms.

Oysterbabe Mon 26-Sep-16 11:30:21

Is he paying the right amount of child support? Does he pay through CMS?

neonrainbow Mon 26-Sep-16 11:38:38

Honestly, as a stepmum... if you stay with him there will be times when is harder than you ever thought imaginable. You reckon love will get you through anything. But when theres another woman always in the background, always thinking she has a right to comment on what goes on in your house then you might think differently.

gingina Mon 26-Sep-16 11:40:21

Go over to the step parenting board and have a read - then you will be running for the hills grin

Lunar1 Mon 26-Sep-16 11:44:14

Don't rush him, his life is a lot more complicated than yours. Divorce takes time, money and a huge amount of emotional energy. He doesn't sound ready to really move on yet. That doesn't mean he will go back to her, but that he needs time to work through it all.

His financial commitments need to be resolved on his own, he needs to make him and his dd a unit before bringing anyone else in.

Bluebolt Mon 26-Sep-16 11:45:59

When one person leaves another they are generally much further down the acceptance/ grieving or even relief stage. They may even have checked out of the relationship months earlier. Whilst they may have both started new relationships your partner seems to need much more time it is unfair on him to pressure him. Go back to dating but whilst you are there for him it is wrong for him to offload when he is not ready to take the relationship further.

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