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AIBU?

To not meet up with my friend again?

15 replies

2boysnamedR · 26/09/2016 09:28

I have had a friend for over four years. We meet when both had young babies of the same age. We used to meet most weeks and seemed geniuely close. Going out just us in the evening so it seemed we was friends - not just based around the kids.
Since the kids started nursery we saw each other without them - every month or so.
This year she has cancelled 75% of our meet ups last minute. She was always a bit flakey but out if the last four meet ups, she has cancelled three.
So I am guessing I was seeing her as a friend but she was seeing it as based on the kids. I presume they have new play mates and therefore she has new friends. Our kids started school this term.
AIBU to decline future meet ups presuming that will just cancel last minute anyway? Since April she has cancelled all but one!
I know I'm being taken for a mug - but I'm too polite!
Tell me I'm a doormat! I don't know what to say to her any more. I feel like I should ask her what's up, but that will lead to met up to explain - that gets cancelled - urgh!

OP posts:

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Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2016 09:31

I would decline, and let the friendship slide.

Coldbay · 26/09/2016 09:35

Yep. Let it go. The thing with these sorts of friendships is you will have unknowingly given her something to miss. It's only when she hits a time in her life she needs that thing she will come running back. Often too late.

MatildaTheCat · 26/09/2016 09:37

Who is instigating the meet ups? If she does instigate and then has a genuine reason for cancelling and is apologetic then perhaps a message saying you are wondering if she is OK would be in order.

If not, stroll on.

2boysnamedR · 26/09/2016 09:51

She instigates the meet ups. If I ask what's wrong she says she will tell me when she sees me, then cancels so I'm none the wiser.
There could be something up, she never says what that might be.
Last time 'things are going wrong' could be her husbands left her or the dog did a poo on her carpet

OP posts:

MoonfaceAndSilky · 26/09/2016 10:09

Urhhh, who can be bothered......let it go, she sounds a pain.

AntiHop · 26/09/2016 10:11

So her husband left her recently?

shovetheholly · 26/09/2016 10:11

I would check she is OK. I had a friend who was like this, and it turned out she was a DV victim who was suddenly not allowed to get away. Of course, sometimes a flake is just a flake, but it's worth investigating a little before jettisoning the friendship completely. If the excuse isn't good, at least you're making your decision in an informed way, rather than guessing.

melibu84 · 26/09/2016 10:15

I'd ask her if something was wrong and mention that she's cancelled a lot. If she can't give you a proper reason, maybe then break ties.

IEatLemonCurdFromTheJar · 26/09/2016 10:18

I'd be upfront and ask her what's up. Maybe there is trouble at home.
But if she's just bumping you off for new friends or something, then just move on... at least you'd know you tried to reach out!

Sciurus83 · 26/09/2016 10:20

Ordinarily I think it's okay to just ignore in these situations but what you have described could be something wrong. Try and see her once to make sure before abandoning

2boysnamedR · 26/09/2016 11:21

I just asked her outright. There's stuff going on but nothing life or death. Things she knew would be coming up when she arranged to meet me. Things that have been going for a while she could have talked about - it's nothing private like DV or husband leaving.
I can she is stressed out but I don't think on balance it justifies asking me meet up then cancelling last minute. I think normal friends would want to meet for a chat and a cry / hug. I'm obviously not that friend.
It's all a bit exhausting so I have offered my hand but I'm going to take a big step back now.
I have four kids. Two have specail needs so I have my own stresses like every other parent I presume has.

OP posts:

Laiste · 26/09/2016 12:18

Not all friendships last forever OP. It's fine to step back.

You've talked to her now, so you are more in the picture.

I was going to come on and say that i may have come across as the flakey friend once in the past. But the friend in question ALWAYS only wanted to go out drinking and on the pull. I'd not long got with who is now DH, was smitten, and was no longer in the frame for being a pulling buddy.

Sadly the friendship faded away. I would have liked it to have turned into a more grown up 'coffee at mine' or 'dinner out and chat' sort of friendship, and i tried, but she obviously didn't want that. (We were both in our mid 30s by the way). I had to keep on pulling out of get togethers which were obviously designed to turn into piss ups.

shovetheholly · 26/09/2016 12:34

Yes, it sounds like in the circumstances this is taking too much out of you. Time to step back, perhaps.

2boysnamedR · 26/09/2016 13:31

We used to go out for dinner, go out for drinks, meet for coffee - mostly at her sugestion of venue.
I guess that's what hurts as it was always fun.
I think there are so many reasons that I would come up with to stick to a meet up, that I'm baffled why she thinks it's ok to keep letting me down.
She WAS a good friend. She DID make me happy, but not so much any more.
If it was a bloke I'd have kicked him into touch after the third time of being stood up. I'm pathetic giving her just one more chance.
Contact deleted off my phone now. Goodbye flakey mate

OP posts:

Smoogi · 26/09/2016 15:05

i had a friend like that. had being the key word.
she liked having people waiting on her.
stand her up next time.
worked for me.
or just ignore her from now on.

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