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to start declining 'duty' invites

(16 Posts)
bellakinnies Sun 25-Sep-16 20:48:26

I may well be being unreasonable here but I've just got back from a wedding and I'm bloody sick of being a 'duty guest' for want of a better word, that is, someone who is invited only because the bride and groom feel they should, extended family or someones other half etc

I've been to some lovely weddings where I have enjoyed every minute of seeing two loved ones get married and known that I was wanted there. However take this weekend for example which cost both myself and the couple ££ and culminated in me feeling unwelcome and like they would rather have invited someone else in my place, as it was only small. I was only invited because I am a cousin in law or some such (don't want to say exactly what relation!)

Would it be rude and unreasonable to start saying "no thanks" and do both myself and future couples a favour?

PeppaIsMyHero Sun 25-Sep-16 20:49:23

What are you doing??!! It's an invitation, not an order!

Stop going to anything you don't want to go to IMMEDIATELY!. Life is too short...

glenthebattleostrich Sun 25-Sep-16 20:50:36

Its an invite not a summons, decline away.

(always wanted to put that!)

Floggingmolly Sun 25-Sep-16 20:50:53

No, it wouldn't be rude at all; but why did you feel unwelcome at this one? They weren't actually forced to invite you, surely?

SnotGoblin Sun 25-Sep-16 20:51:09

I was about to reply that 'in the nicest possible way' the people issuing the duty invited might be relieved if you do start turning them down. That way they've done the right thing by including you and you don't have to suffer the expense or tedium of attending events you're not invested in.

Ginmakesitallok Sun 25-Sep-16 20:53:38

Yanbu. My mil is the queen of "duty attenders" -a few weeks ago she travelled 3 hours and stayed overnight to go to the hen night of a woman who's name she couldn't remember the week before. ...

bellakinnies Sun 25-Sep-16 20:57:40

floggingmolly no but as a member of extended family they felt as if they should so kind of same thing, same as I felt I had to accept to please brides mother (I know, I know)

I actually couldn't stay for the evening do as I had other commitments, and I spoke to the bride once before I left, she just brushed me off - didn't even speak to the groom as he wasn't at all interested

When I get married I might put on the invite "please feel free to decline without guilt" grin

mum2Bomg Sun 25-Sep-16 21:01:09

Yes yes yes, do this! I've been invited to so many weddings and thought I'd be wasting their money and mine. Decline away...

acasualobserver Sun 25-Sep-16 21:02:05

Decline citing "a longstanding previous commitment". It is good manners to still send a present but that's a small price to pay in order not to go.

MozarellaCheese Sun 25-Sep-16 21:03:08

I am going to start declining things too. What a great idea!

My late FIL used to say; 'I'm too old to do things I don't want to do.'

As a people pleaser out of habit (and fear) I am going to make that my motto.

WhateverWillBe Sun 25-Sep-16 21:06:04

I spoke to the bride once before I left, she just brushed me off - didn't even speak to the groom as he wasn't at all interested

I wouldn't take this as an indication you weren't wanted really.

Weddings are bloody hard work as the bride/groom. We had 80 at ours and I felt quite guilty the next day because I felt like I didn't really 'see' anyone that much. It's a lot of people to get around and everyone wants to talk to you, it's exhausting!

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 25-Sep-16 21:06:12

I would, but I don't want to is the phrase you are looking for. ....stolen from Friends! grin

bellakinnies Sun 25-Sep-16 21:15:24

whateverwillbe Oh, I wouldn't usually, it wasn't just that I was basing it off, I had doubts before i even went smile

dillyduck Sun 25-Sep-16 21:15:32

I decline more weddings than I attend. Only close family or really good friends. I have had invitations from people that I didn't even know who they were. I once called DH at work to ask who someone was- neither of us had a clue and it only dawned ages later when extended family were talking about it- weeks after we had declined. It was the sister of a sister in law- no relation at all- met them once at sister in laws wedding.

I would never go just to an evening do- If I am not close enough to go to the whole thing then I think it is a waste of time and expense on both sides to go.

I dont give a reason. I just decline and send a wedding card. I feel no guilt. I would feel a bit guilty of I lied- so I dont.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 25-Sep-16 21:36:46

YANBU. I don't do things I don't want to, why should I. My nan does this and that's probably where I originally got it from that invite means you have to go. I stopped doing this a few years ago and it's so liberating .

DCs have received a party invite from distant family member. DS doesn't want to go, he has other things on at the same time anyway and there is a large age gap. I know my nan thinks I should cancel his regular activities and make him go but I'm not going to. I'm happy to decline for him.

ragz134 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:18:44

I've declined two wedding invites this year. CBA with the hassle, dresses and gifts! Not people I know well enough to care what they think...

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