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to be hurt, angry and have lost all trust?

(48 Posts)
DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:31:36

I asked my husband on a number of occasions to NOT tell my MIL a particular piece of personal information about me. I thought he understood my reasons, namely that she is prone to asking intrusive questions, would have to stick her oar into a very private matter and can't keep a secret to save her life. (The first thing he told me about his mum when we met over twenty years ago was not to trust her with anything I wished to remain private so you'd think he'd understand.)

Yesterday, I found out that he has passed on the private information I told him I wanted kept between us. I discovered this by walking into the room while he was on the phone telling her that she has to remember not to pass this information all around family, friends etc!

I confronted him to be told that it just "Slipped out" while talking to her! Seriously?! Right now I am so hurt and angry I can barely control myself. I made it so clear that my private matter was to remain private, I told him explicitly not to tell her. I feel let down, betrayed, furious.

He thinks that I should just forgive him as it was an accident, apparently. I say, if your wife asks you to respect her privacy regarding something, that should be fairly important.

RhiWrites Sun 25-Sep-16 13:35:19

You're not being unreasonable. He's shown he can't be trusted and that when confronted he will weasel out of it instead of apologising.

What are you going to do? Have you been married long?

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:37:30

Nineteen and a bit years. He and his mother share a habit in that when they realise they have hurt someone's feelings, they turn it around and try to blame the other person. He pulled that one on me and was told where to go!

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 25-Sep-16 13:37:33

If his mother was more important than his marriage vows I would be sending him back to her house. Bags and all.

manyathingyouknow Sun 25-Sep-16 13:38:28

YADNU I would be furious. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it would seem.

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:39:48

Nah, he can have the house, the kids, the house work and the endless cleaning and washing! I can have a nice, tidy one bedroom flat and some peace and quiet!

Not sure I want to actually divorce him over this but I am glad others see my point. He just doesn't get it.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Sun 25-Sep-16 13:42:44

It's a form of betrayal. They were gossiping.

DinosaursRoar Sun 25-Sep-16 13:45:21

Is it something that also effects him/is also his news like you are pregnant?

If not, then YANBU and should sit him down again and ask him does he realise you now feel that you can't rely on him for support because he's just like his mother, you can't trust him with information without risking him telling other people.

It is clearly a trait he doesn't like in his mother, does he see that by telling her something you'd asked him to keep quiet then he was behaving in exactly the same way and you/the dcs when they grow up will treat him the same way, withholding information until you/they are ready for it to be public knowledge.

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:49:21

No, not pregnancy or anything related to him. Purely my personal matter.
I will be much more careful what I tell him for a very long time to come which is hardly ideal in a marriage. Yes, the kids will probably learn to do the same. I think they already tell me a lot more than they do him. Not because they are afraid of him blabbing, more because they know that telling me will get a problem sorted out ASAP.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 25-Sep-16 13:50:51

If it's your personal issue then yes he was being unreasonable but in circumstances like pregnancy I can understand why he'd be unable to keep it a secret iyswim?

228agreenend Sun 25-Sep-16 13:53:36

I would probably accept,his apology,,and accept that he blurted it out in error.

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:54:11

Ironically, both pregnancies he kept secret, one for twelve weeks and the other for twenty! (I was a rather old upduffer, second time around, so we waited till the twenty week scan just to be sure.)

He asked me if I have some kind of mental list of stuff that is meant to be secret. Of course I do! Doesn't everyone? If certain topics come up in conversation, I am fully aware of which friend said not to tell their secret and I don't!

ImperialBlether Sun 25-Sep-16 13:55:45

Really, 228? When it's such a private and personal thing?

ohfourfoxache Sun 25-Sep-16 13:57:12

Christ, Yanbu at all sad

I'm not sure what you should do about it. As you say, not telling him things is far from ideal in a marriage. But is it a deal breaker?

Is there any indication that he has done anything like this before?

ohfourfoxache Sun 25-Sep-16 13:57:59

228 are you the DH?

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 13:59:06

He's always been tactless and prone to speaking without thinking but I am not aware of this happening before.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Sun 25-Sep-16 14:01:02

If it's something he's known about you for a long time, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it did just slip out. It can, when you're chatting and your filter's off.

However the unfortunate thing is that him having done it, it will soon be all round the family because his mother will be actively, rather than accidentally, spreading it to all and sundry. If it gets back to DH from someone else, I hope he is absolutely mortified and grovels to you from here to next Shrove Tuesday. Not that it helps you now, but it should certainly stop him ever doing it again. And perhaps realise that information like that isn't appropriate for sharing.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 25-Sep-16 14:02:28

I'd be fuming OP.
I think I'd get him to go over to mil and state if she ever breathes a word to anyone there will be hell to pay.

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 14:03:53

He's known since May. In laws live miles away. When he and the kids visited in August, I reminded him before he left to keep my private business to himself. He managed then but let it out on the phone.

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 14:08:43

Oh, and given that she found out on Thursday and I found out late yesterday afternoon, I suspect that horse has bolted!

Aeroflotgirl Sun 25-Sep-16 14:16:45

I don't blame you op, after that, it would be very hard to get back, as one of the most important things in your relationship has been broken. I don't know what i'd do though.

WinterIsHereJon Sun 25-Sep-16 14:16:47

Is it the sort of issue that might affect him too, in that he might feel he needs someone to talk to about it? If so I'd be inclined to forgive him, eventually! If not, ignore me!

DrSeuss Sun 25-Sep-16 14:18:23

No, purely my issue.

SatsukiKusakabe Sun 25-Sep-16 14:18:45

My dh does this kind of thing all the time. In fact the more of a point you make about something being a secret, the sooner he will blurt it out. Don't know what the answer is homicide.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sun 25-Sep-16 14:20:45

I'd feel totally betrayed. that doesn't help you though and I'm afraid I don't know how I'd be able forgive this.

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