Re DH giving formula?

(115 Posts)
passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 03:42:14

So I'm an AIBU lurker. Not posted before except 1-2 comments. Posting now BC feeling quite upset really & keen for perspective.

So background... 1st baby, difficult delivery, ill afterwards, struggled with breastfeeding in terms of milk supply. Baby dropped 86th to 11th centiles. Eventually at 8 weeks went to breastfeeding clinic. Saw amazing MWs who advised on how to give formula tops ups to get my BFing back on track. Had mastitis 4 times but managed to feed till 10 months.

Baby no 2 will be 3 weeks today. Have been hospital in patient for > 50% of time since birth with complications for him & me, but essentially nothing serious/permanent wrong. Both doing well now at home.
I'm so delighted that despite a rocky postnatal course I've been BFing brilliantly. He had one formula top up when I had to leave him on ward for tests (no pump available in time). But otherwise all BFing.

We're home a few nights now. Hubby has been asking to give a bottle +++ since before
Baby born. I've explained umpteen times that given our fertility issues this might be our last chance to have a child. I really want to do it as naturally as possible. I've said in open to top/ups with EBM ideally, but would be ok with formula if baby not thriving or if problem with milk etc. But otherwise I want to BF if I can.

I've not had energy to deal with expressing yet but had collected a little extra leakage (sorry!) & to appease hubbie said if baby got hungry last night while I was getting ready for bed he could offer the bottle. It was only 20mls. I said I would be upstairs & ready to feed him when he was done. So last feed ended 2230hrs.

It's now 3.30am. I just woke up with really sore engorged boobs, top, sheets etc soaking from leaked milk (sorry again buyout washing machine is broken so in royally irritated about unecessarily laundry). He's just brought baby in for feed. I must have fallen asleep earlier. He's just admitted he's given 120mls formula 11-midnight. He reckons baby vomited a third of it (has been reflux anyway).

I am probably so in this right now as to be a bit OTT but I'm really so upset as to feel quite numb.'I don't know where to start to express to DH how Upset I am that he's ignored the BFing plan, made unilateral decision to do something like that.

If he'd just asked Id have explained again. Baby's weight perfect. I'm a bit tired but actually been better past 48hrs than any time since birth. Been in brilliant mood, had visitors. success of BFing has helped my recovery Inthink.

I'm open to formula if we need it having been there before, I know how hard it is for
Folk that want to BF but can't.

Why would he do this now though?
How do I express my upset without throttling him?
How do I get him to support me?

Be gentle. Sorry for rambling....

ParsnipSoup Sun 25-Sep-16 03:52:04

Firstly massive unmumsnetty hugs. I know how emotional breastfeeding is. If I'm honest I would have throttled him and then buried the body in under the patio.

I think you need to say that you know he's trying to be helpful, but that he's actually being the opposite. Firstly if he gives formula he may affect your supply as breastfeeding is supply and demand and secondly that it's painful becoming engorged and can lead to mastitis. Tell him how much breastfeeding means to you too and hopefully he'll understand.

He's been incredibly selfish. He should ultimately be thinking about what is best for the baby and for you. He can bond by doing other things like nappies and bathtime.

Batteriesallgone Sun 25-Sep-16 03:52:39

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. I'd be so mad. You say brought baby in - is he not in your room? Is either co sleeping or a cot right next to your side of the bed possible to avoid you not being aware of him waking for a feed?

Am quite sad at the idea he gave a tiny reflux baby a huge whack of formula because he wanted to do it even knowing it would probably cause vomiting and pain for the baby.

3luckystars Sun 25-Sep-16 03:53:24

Why did he do it? Is he anxious after what happened before with your other child?
There's no excuse for him braking your trust like that, i am just advisning finding out why he did it so you might forgive him if he did it out of worry. I think breasfeeding can be hard enough without someone interfering and hassling you. sorry that happened, I can understand how upset you are, that's a really awful that he did that without even consulting you.

Bringmewineandcake Sun 25-Sep-16 03:55:57

Maybe it was a misguided attempt to let you get more sleep? Explain to him again and make it clear how upset you are about his decision tonight. He won't do it again - if he does then you've got bigger issues to talk about flowers

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Sun 25-Sep-16 03:58:36

I didn't want to read and run, but I can understand your upset.

Congratulations on your new baby and your breastfeeding success!

To be honest, I think he wanted to help you and the baby, and perhaps just took it upon himself to feed the baby. Maybe, given the struggling before, he wanted to make sure things didn't go there again?

I get your frustration, so I don't want to demean that.

ParsnipSoup Sun 25-Sep-16 03:59:59

I'd show him this thread personally. Perhaps if he sees other people's comments he'll realise that it was a bad idea. Half asleep so in my first reply I hadn't really clicked that he gave 120ml!!! Even if your baby is 5kg that's about an oz more than they need if they're feeding 3 hourly so no wonder the poor little thing threw up. I think people who don't know lots about breastfeeding confuse breastfeed babies taking big feeds with hunger when it's actually a reflex to suck.

CrystalMcPistol Sun 25-Sep-16 04:01:24

I'd be annoyed. Sounds like he's doing it because he's desperate to feed the baby by himself rather than doing it to help you. And the fact he did it when you were conked out....sneaky.

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 04:05:59

Thanks!! Normally in co sleeping & have a side cot.'it's really been no hardship this time. He happened to be downstairs tonight while I wa setting ready for bed & I was expecting him to bring baby up in like 5 mins. I must have fallen asleep- woke with phone beside me uncharged.
I know he was trying but grrrrr....
He's making it worse now. Baby has just take one boob & fallen asleep so I have massive engorged other side. I've asked DH to set up Breast pump
So I can try to relieve pressure:
He's harrumphed but done it &'just given me this patronising chat about how people give top ups all the time & it's not the end of the world. Lip service sorry came out but it's clear from his excuses he thinks I'm BU.

I've just yelled at him & sent him out bedroom. I am livid now. At least if he'd seemed sorry for the pain:hassle emotional upset etc I could have understood but this is just hideous.

ParsnipSoup Sun 25-Sep-16 04:09:24

Argh! You must be so frustrated with him. Yes people give top ups all the time... If they need to, not otherwise. It's so easy for him to be blasé about it when it's not his boobs that are about to explode.

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 04:11:28

He says he did it to get me more sleep. But it was only 4hrs I've slept max so not even worth it. Not something I asked for or wanted. I felt fine yesterday & was beginning to be really pleased we were back on track, home, doing well.

I'd just done few night run of cluster feeding to increase supply must be growth spurt but Ive only woken DH once a night in one or two nights to give me a 5 min break for. Nappy/winding etc. He's been off work so I didnt think that was too much to ask. I genuinely think he's bottle fed him BC he was hoping he'd get more sleep...

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 04:12:08

Good idea to show him this thread. I will in the morning

SarniaCherie Sun 25-Sep-16 04:15:37

DH sounds like a condescending git. Top-up's are just that, a top-up for IF the baby doesn't get enough milk from BF, which is obviously not the case here. It's not just the hormones talking, you have every right to be annoyed. Hopefully he won't make the same mistake again.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Sun 25-Sep-16 04:21:42

I really feel for you! I've had a refluxy baby, it sounds ike you're doing really well with feeding despite the challenges.

It's not easy! Your H needs to know by giving formula at this point, he's doing more harm than good as you get your milk supply established.

Kr1stina Sun 25-Sep-16 04:24:03

Do NOT feel under pressure to express so DH can bottle feed. Your baby is tiny and doesn't need to start getting confused with a teat. If you are happy to EBF and baby is thriving, then that's best for you both .

There are plenty ways for DH to care for baby without bottle feeding him. He sounds like a selfish self centred arse TBH.its not all about him.

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 04:25:11

He's making it so much worse right now. Ive asked why he didn't ask me first & he says it was cause I was asleep but that's bullz he didn't ask BC he knew I'd say no. And I'm even more FURIOUS with him now BC he's lying to me about that. I feel so betrayed he can't even fess up that he deliberately was underhand about it.

I've literally yelled & sent him out the room.
Baby now asleep. Left boob still engorged so having to start pumping now....

So so angry...

Thanks for your replies... It does really help to know I'm not the only one who would feel like this.

NoCakeLeft Sun 25-Sep-16 04:26:20

I'm not surprised you're livid. I know I'd be. Not sure about his motives, but he clearly wasn't listening all those times when you were explaining it all to him.
He just caused you and DC physical pain. That would be my biggest concern.
He also seriously overfed the baby. And then did some mansplaining.
You should rip him a new one and ban him from feeding the baby until further notice.

PaPaPaaa Sun 25-Sep-16 04:26:47

YANBU
An EBF baby has the perfect stomach PH and enzymes for breast milk. Formula top ups can change this and impede digestion until the system rebalances. Obviously lots of babies are combination fed so it's not a huge problem and better than going hungry. But its not right that he took this decision away from you.
As people have said, it will effect supply, cause engorgement and stops baby being able to self regulate.

Its great that he wants to be involved but really not ok that he did it secret. Very selfish.

ParsnipSoup Sun 25-Sep-16 04:35:42

Perhaps you should either bin or hide the formula and then you won't risk it happening again?

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 04:57:09

Thanks everyone. Parsnip, you know what binning the formula is the way to go. I just had a 4 pack of ready made in case we had probs like last time. Thought it would ward off evil spirits...

It's going well though so we don't need it & there's always 24hr Supermarket if something goes pear-shaped.

I've exiled him to couch which I Feel bad about.inthink I need to get him to read some more about BFing in general...

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 05:04:50

I found this Q&A link too which might help...
kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/qa-bottle-intro-disagreement/

Qwebec Sun 25-Sep-16 05:10:38

It's problably your last child, but for him too. Obviously he want to be part of the feeding process. He should not have sneaked behind you, but I would suggest you get to the bottom of this and find a solution that works for both of you. He is also the childs parent.

-runs off before the stoning starts-

CrystalMcPistol Sun 25-Sep-16 05:12:56

Stoning?

Don't be so childish.

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 05:20:56

No stoning from me Qwebec...
You make a fair point.

Big picture. He is a lovely man. I'm very lucky. We've managed to have 2 amazing children. And it's been an emotional journey for both of us to get here.
I'm starting to calm down.

There will no doubt be some complex onion layered reason behind his decision to ignore everything I've ever said about BFing or how he can be my hero & support me through this... Sigh.

Isn't it exhausting that we end up being the ones that have to do the psychology/drawing out etc. At the same time as the physical work. Ok gross generalisation I know, but I can't help but feel if he spent 10secs thinking about my psychology we wouldn't be here....

Oh well... Let the DH nurturing commence in the morning... Aaaargh.

passremarkable Sun 25-Sep-16 05:24:28

Also, thank you for all your replies.

I was nervous about posting but I really do feel much better for getting it off my chest. Really cathartic. Thank you!

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