To want to tell this girl's mum about how nasty she has been to DD?(263 Posts)
DD has just started secondary school. She has gone up to secondary school with a group of friends that she spent most of her primary school years hanging round with. One of them, I'll refer to her as G, is very much the head of the group of friends and has been unkind to DD quite a bit over the years. Mainly low level nastiness such as telling others in the group not to talk to DD, or making fun of DD and getting others to laugh at her. She is very manipulative.
G's mum is, unfortunately, one of those mums who thinks her DD is absolutely perfect and is the first to get on the phone to, or approach, the mum of any child who has made a tiny or perceived slight towards her child. I have heard of it happening many a time throughout primary school, and she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset.
Anyway, today it's G's birthday and she has had a huge party/disco in a hall, followed by a sleepover with several friends. She has told DD since they went back to school 3 weeks ago that she was inviting everyone except DD, as she doesn't want DD there. And true to her word she invited the rest of their friendship group, as well as every other new friend DD has made at secondary school. And didn't invite DD.
This in itself was upsetting enough for DD. However all through the party this evening G has repeatedly sent DD texts with photos of her and all of DD's friends having fun at the party with captions such as "I love my besties". She also tried to facetime DD several times throughout the party, presumably to rub it in DD's face that she wasn't there! DD sensibly ignored the texts and calls, but was understandably very upset.
I am so angry about it all and feel like giving this girl's mum a call or a text tomorrow just to let her know about how upset DD is by G's behaviour. Especially as the mum is always the first person to complain and to kick up a huge fuss if her DD is upset.
WIBU to contact the mum? I don't want to make things worse for DD.
I wouldn't. Time for your DD to make kinder friends. Can your DD block this girl's calls etc? Any nastiness at school then school can deal with it. If the mother questions the blocking then calmly explain why. I'm afraid if she has spent 11 years thinking the sun shines out of her offspring then you telling her your child is upset won't disillusion her.
Horrid behaviour though.
I would screenshot the texts and stuff first, just as evidence if the mum kicks off and tries to deny it. Then I would very calmly approach the mum, stay polite and ask that if her daughter doesn't wish to be friends with dd then that is absolutely fine , but could she please desist from behaviour such as this.
I would also be biting my tongue with all the strength I had to stop myself going into a full on rant!!!!!
Sounds like a great party if she spent so much time trying to contact your DD! She sounds strangely obsessed with her tbh, why would you spend your birthday party with all your friends thinking about someone you deliberately didn't invite? That does go from being unkind to full on bullying in my book and is weird behaviour. If you think her mother will be open to hearing about her daughters behaviour and will actually do something about it then tell her but tbh she sounds like she thinks her child can do no wrong so it would be best to leave it and tell your daughter to ignore and block her number.
What horrible behaviour. Am torn between thinking "hell yes, let her mother know" and "teach DD to ignore, block and make other friends". It sounds like this bunch are not good. A new school is a good opportunity to spread your wings a bit - can DD actively look for new friends??
The thing is, this kind of behaviour doesn't come from nowhere, so the Mum in this case is probably not a safe bet as an ally/ reasonable person to take this up with.
Lots of long talks to DD about her self-worth and not mixing with queen bees I think ... but poor your DD, what an awful thing to have to deal with,
I would have messaged her after as soon as her dd started sending texts during the party. What a cowbag.
It's probably not the best advice but I would be tempted to speak to the mum only to say that after your daughter's bahviour tonight you will no longer be engaging in petty phone conversations about PE partners!
Could you arrange for your DD to have a sleepover soon. Not to compete, but for her to invite her new friends and help build those friendships?
My DD was bullied a few years ago and I think the 'back away slowly' approach is the best one. Bullies like to hurt and like attention. Your DD did the right thing by not responding.
Well isn't she a treat.
I'd forward evidence to her mother with a paragraph explaining what a delight her child is.
We had exactly this situation with DD2; in our case, "G" even turned DD2's friends against her. She was one of those Queen Bee types, and most people did what she said.
All credit to DD2 - she said "well, I'll find some new friends, then", and with the help of her teacher (who knew exactly what was going on, and was brilliant about it), that's what she did. She just didn't allow "G" to get to her, turned her back, and found a new gang. Tempting though it was to get involved I deliberately didn't - I thought it was far better for DD2 to stand on her own two feet. I was there to support and advise, but not to get involved.
Of course, after a while, her original friends came crawling back to her, and she even reached a truce with her original nememis, and they all get along OK now. I think this is largely because DD2 showed she wasn't going to be beaten down by this girl. And she has the measure of her!
I would screenshot and send , mainly because the other mum is quick to complain about her pfb
I think as much as you want to speak to the mum (I would feel the same in your shoes) it would be best if you didn't.
The first few years of secondary are so hard for girls and they can be very bitchy. My cousin had similar issues with her dd when she started secondary.
The mother sounds a pain, I would save the texts etc and if the mother ever mentions her "perfect" daughter has had her feelings hurt in the future, you could show her the messages and say it works both ways.
It's very mean of the girl(s), however your dd has your support and as long as she is able to talk to you about it, I'd let her work out if she wants to continue with this friendship group.
My dd is only 4 but I dread the secondary stage of schooling for the issues you've mentioned.
That is really mean. Only you know how likely her mum will take this responsibly. I once made a difficult call following a school trip, the mum listened but then understandably started to defend actions, even said my DD hadn't managed to fit in. I was calm and pointed out the behaviour of her dd which led to not fitting in, just reiterate what actually happened, screenshots are amazing. Just telling her you have them without having to share will probably make her back down
The tiger mum in me would make we want to have words with the mum about her daughter's behaviour.
However, I would keep a screen shot of all texts/attempted facetimes and would go into ignore mode.
Must have even a pretty crap party if the birthday girl spent a lot of time texting!
Explain to your daughter that this girl is not a friend and encourage her to stay away from her and her games.
If you get a phone call from mummy dearest, then arrange to meet her and show her said screenshots. Explain that your daughter will not be engaging with hers again and that you won't be engaging with her anymore.
Screen shot the nasty comments. I would spk to Mum but like others have said that behaviour doesn't come from nowhere and I doubt she would be your best ally. Might be worth letting tutor know so they can keep an eye out for her at school. Also wtf with messaging during the party, can't have been that exciting!! I would also arrange a low key sleepover or meet up soon to build new friendships. Total ignoring of the bully will probably infuriate her, she so wants a reaction for your daughter.
how horrible and weird. It does sound like bullying behaviour.
As for the mother, honestly she sounds bonkers -
" she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset."
If you do choose to contact mum be very careful to stick to facts of what happened. I was very much 'you know what they're like at that age, I'm sure she doesn't realise or want to come across as not very nice', but this is what happened
You need to ask your DD if she wants you to contact the girl's mum.
Also, encourage your DD to block her number. She doesn't need that kind of crap.
She sounds appalling. There will be nice non bitchy girls in your dd's year. Your dd just needs to find them and move on from the awful girl.
Screenshot the lot and print it out.
It's cyber bullying and I'd give it all to whoever is in charge of dealing with bullying at school. Bypass G's mother.
Judging by the mothers previous behaviour she is obviously a cunt and is passing on her cuntish behaviour to her precious little brat
Horrible behaviour, for your DD x
Good idea re involving the school as they can keep an eye on things during the school day.
I think screen-shots too and block the number. I would also tell the teacher to watch out for it, just so the school knows.
Queen bees are pretty vile aren't they - good luck to your DD...
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