To walk out of the house due to the state it's in(34 Posts)
My dc are the messiest creatures on earth. My house is a shithole. I can't keep on top of it. Dh won't help because he's far too tired and does "all the DIY".
Every single weekend is spent cleaning up after all three of them and I've had enough.
It's not helped by the mountains and mountains of crap bought at birthdays - both of which are soon - and Christmas.
I've just told dh if he doesn't tackle his mum on that point I'm leaving as one less person in the house means more room for all the crap.
Go out for the day.
Then write a list of what you do in the house everyday and what DIY your husband does. Then tell him to fuck right off with his laziness
I've told my mum we have no space but that DD would appreciate story books or clothes for Christmas. My mum is pretty bad for buying mountains of tat. Maybe have a word with her?
Are you me? But no I have 3 DC and tired dh. I am immune to tiredness of course.
I've been there. And did the list thing too - made no difference - counting the days until they leave home sometimes
How old are the DC?
I'd be tempted to bin lots of their toys of they have mountains of them. And if they're bought loads more crap for birthday and Christmas, let them pick, or pay attention to which 4 or 5 items they like best, and send the rest to the charity shop.
What age are they? From the age of about 4 they should be tidying up their toys and books as a matter of course, and putting clothes into the laundry basket. If they see their dad being idle they'll follow suit, and they'll start to think of housework as women's work. He needs to lead by example, as you're already doing. DIY takes a few hours, occasionally.... it certainly doesn't absolve him of other domestic duties.
Nearly 9 and nearly 6. They are more than capable but just will not tidy.
If they won't tidy it start bagging it up, stick it in the loft or some where and tell them they are not having it back until they start tidying their things away properly
Bin bag up the 'crap' they either sort them out or it all goes. Stuff they keep has to stay tidy or will go.
Well point out to DH that DIY is a rare thing, ie when something is broken/needs assembling and what have you. Does he really do more than I don't know, 30 mins tops of DIY a week? Doubt its even that tbh. Dh does all the DIY. about 3hrs or so worth every 3-6 months...
Cleaning is day to day so he needs to fucking pitch in rather than (Insert what he does instead, i'm assuming hobbies or sat on his arse)
You need to get tough OP, either the toys are tidied or they go. Your dh needs to get his head out of his backside too and pull his weight or you might as well get rid of him too.
Tell relatives to stop buying stuff and put the money they would spend into a Savings Account for the children.
Stand your ground, stop being walked over and taken for granted.
My DCs always keep their bedrooms tidy because in the past they have seen me put their toys
absolute crap in the bin if they continue to be messy.
Harsh but worked for me.
When my house starts to get too much I just have to force my self to start and then as soon as I start sorting it out I can't stop until it's done. I start with a large bin bag.
This may not be possible for u but as my DP hates to clean the house we have an agreement that he takes dc out for the day and I'll get on with housework.
My mother used to do this. Announce she was leaving. We would cry hysterically for a few hours until she came home. We would be good for a few days. It was pretty traumatic.
Love her hobbits now but I am still not as they as she is.
Tell your MIL (or tell your H to tell his mother) that if mountains of crap arrive, they will be going straight to the charity shop/local children's hospice/ returned whence they came (if receipts not required). So if she doesn't want to waste her money, then she'd better think a bit harder about gifts for your DC.
Binbags for the toys that are not cleared up by the count of 10 (works a treat).
Binbag for the idle H - ok, maybe not, but I'd be leaving him to clear his own crap up. OR, if he has a space of his own (shed, office, favourite chair) then dump it all on there.
Failing that, yeah, I'd be tempted to leave too. I have left the house before when the boys (including DH) have just been too much for me to deal with - half an hour away usually brings them to a sense of their wrongdoings, but it doesn't work long-term
Give activity vouchers and venue memberships for Xmas. No clutter.
I think OP you should have said if he doesn't tackle his mum on the crap that HE is leaving, not you.
Don't make him a list. Does he have a step-by-step list of how to do his job? Or anything else in life? They know what needs doing.
Tell him he's a lazy fucker, with a sense of entitlement, and that being tired and doing a bit of DIY is not an excuse to be the former.
As for your house, less "stuff" is the only way forward. Bin bags in hand, go through your dc's rooms with them doing bin, charity or recycle. If they dither you decide. If your MIL buys more bulky stuff then she can keep it at her house for when they visit.
But really OP you have to tackle him head on. My friend lives with the laziest arse imaginable, in really difficult circumstances. She moans about him, but when I'm with her she DOES EVERYTHING. She still does everything for him, runs him around, does stuff most men would see as "man" work. He doesn't even work. I want to say to her do nothing for him - really nothing, don't even make him a cup of tea. He's lazy and entitled but why is he going to stop - she's enabling him.
Of course I don't say anything, just sympathise and make the odd suggestion. They argue about it constantly but nothing actually changes.
I think you have a couple of separate issues here. The first is the mountains and mountains of stuff that is being bought - I remember someone on here saying that it felt as though the crap just "marched into the house of its own accord". You need to tackle this - speak to all the relatives who buy presents for the kids (not just MIL) and say something like"Gosh, I know this sounds a bit funny, but would you mind AWFULLY if you only bought one thing for them each? I rather feel as though the pile of toys is becoming unmanageable and they struggle to play with everything because they have so much".
This may get ignored - if it does, ask your husband to speak with her about it.
If your husband won't help you clean, pick stuff up etc, agree what he will do. I do most of the day to day tidying / dishwasher unloading / all the laundry / managing homework but my husband does the cooking and the DIY.
Someone else will have useful advice on the children who won't tidy up their stuff. My children are 5 and 2 so we aren't quite at the same stage.
Lastly, write a list of jobs to tackle. If you have mountains of stuff then it is time to get rid of some of it. Start with yours and the kids' clothes - these can be taken to a charity shop. Then do the cull of the toys. As you go through, tick off each one on your list. You'll feel so much better. Once this is done, it will be so much easier to say "Are you leaving that there? Why are you leaving it there? You need to put it away" to your husband and kids.
Chuck all their shit in the bin right before bin collection time.
let it all go off in the bin lorry.
tell these slackers it will happen again next time.
change the password on the wifi and keep it out of their reach for at least a week.
that might learn 'em.
A few people are on this thread and have found it useful.
It's not good for young kids to have too much stuff. They can't play properly with anything as it's all too overwhelming. Anything they haven't touched in a month goes to the charity shop.
From now on, any toys left lying around the house and not taken up to their rooms at the end f the day will be turfed in the dustbin when they're in bed. They're unlikely to notice.
"He does all the DIY". Yeah, right. About an hour or two a month, tops. Tell him that you'll do a swap with him if he doesn't start doing his fair share of keeping top of the housework. And mean it.
Children can change. Do exactly what the others have said above. Do a clear out, bin junk & if they refuse to clean up, then box everything up and put it into storage until they are willing to help.
If your DH won't see or care how tired you are, then you really only have two choices: put up with it or end the relationship. If he isn't willing to pull his own weight on the house, there simply isn't anything you can do to force the issue.
Before every birthday and Christmas you must have a clear out of toys and games. Sell them or give to charity. The children might enjoy helping with a carboot sale and selling their own toys, books etc and perhaps keeping some of the money.
If Dh loves DIY, then ask him to sit down with the dc and design a storage area with shelves or pull out toy boxes underneath. Then he can make it.
The children might be inclined to use it if they have helped make it.
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