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To think my friend should move on?

(9 Posts)
arabellalady Fri 23-Sep-16 16:31:08

Quick name change as other posts might easily identify me.

Briefly, I was best friends with a girl for most of my childhood/teenage years and we were inseparable. Eventually post 18 when we had grown up (she had a baby, I went to uni etc) we've seen each other less and less. With no judgement meant, she currently lives on benefits, has never worked, has two small children and a horrible string of boyfriends. We are now 25.
I on the other hand am now studying for a masters degree, am saving up to buy a house, and have a long term partner. I am in no way meaning to be cruel just trying to explain the differences in our lifestyles.

Theres been a few incidents like asking me for money, asking me to babysit and basically not leaving me alone - sometimes she calls me reverse charge tens of times within the space of ten minutes (££!) I've basically got nothing in common with her anymore and tried to drop her slowly but she won't get the message. It feels mean to tell her bluntly or block her from my life. She upsets me because she acts like I am classes above her and have loads of money (therefore should feel guilty or give to her) when in fact being a student and saving I'm actually fairly poor myself.

AIBU to think she should move on? I know we were friends for 10 years odd but a lot has changed..

Rumpelstiltskin143 Fri 23-Sep-16 16:38:23

Start by blocking her on social media and stop taking reverse change calls

WhatamessIgotinto Fri 23-Sep-16 16:39:14

She's taking the piss.

AmserGwin Fri 23-Sep-16 16:42:14

Keep ignoring her, you don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to. Sounds like she's using you anyway

arabellalady Fri 23-Sep-16 16:49:49

Yeah I'm aware she's trying to use me, I never do any of these things for her doesn't stop her asking

First and last thing thing I did (stupidly) was give her money for her baby scan photo as I didn't know if you had to pay and didn't want to be wrong and her not get the pictures. Got in the car and drove past her walking out of the shop with packet of fags and bottle of wine

NewPotatoes Fri 23-Sep-16 16:57:10

So why is your title about whether it's unreasonable to think your friend should move on? You seem fairly clear about being used by your former friend -and from everything you've said it's obvious, unless there's a lot more going on -- and surely the decision to cut contact needs to come from you, rather than her, given that she's the one making contact all the time?

Gazelda Fri 23-Sep-16 17:11:28

She's not going to move on unless you 'drop' her.

ChowBloomingMein Fri 23-Sep-16 17:12:39

Jeez OP about the baby scan thing! I do sympathise as I've been in similar ish situations before. I think it's annoying and disrespectful when it should be blatantly obvious you don't want to bother with someone and they are reluctant to let you tactfully withdraw - by using emotional blackmail etc. If I were you I'd cut contact now.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 23-Sep-16 18:54:53

Oh I don't know, I'm on the fence with this one. This doesn't scream "she's using you!" to me, although that certainly could be what's going on. To me I'm only seeing quite normal, quite minor fuck-ups between friends, especially skint friends! (Although of course you're not so skint OP.) Equally you could be prone to seeing things that way because frankly you don't feel bonded to this person in any way and they don't fit in with your lifestyle anymore. Perfectly fine, you don't have to be friends with her.

We're clearly very different people OP, but if it were me after all those years of friendship from childhood up I'd be making more efforts to find ways to connect with someone who - assuming she isn't actually using you - appears to still be emotionally invested in you. The minor incidents you describe, I'd be talking about those, I'd be trying to find common ground, I'd be trying to see how we could overcome our very different priorities and lifestyles to find the things in each other we both respect and like about each other, and to champion and support those things going forwards.

And you know why? Because now in my 30s every damn friend that was there for me when I was 10, that was there for me for when I was 15, that was there for me when I was 20; well guess what? They were there for me when I was 25. They were there when I was 30. They'll always be there, because we rode out those changes in our very different lives together. And we're better for it.

"Lifestyle" friends came and went, uni friends, house mates, work mates form one job or another, some have stuck out the long haul. But most are there for a good time not a long time. I'd say you're probably very lucky this girl considers you someone she's bonded to; I don't think asking to borrow a tenner here or there or buying booze and fags when she's skint (how much money did you give her for a scan photo?!?) is the end of the world, not in my social circle when I was younger anyway, but you know better than me.

Either way, sounds like you've got your mind made up. Don't expect her not be too upset about it though, if she does in fact consider you close. Maybe think hard about it, make sure you really do think she's taking the piss and you're not just looking for an excuse to drop her for a new group of more fashionable friends.

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