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Unequal relationship

(24 Posts)
Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 22:59:09

My husband works hard and I work hard. I sometimes feel so unappreciated and undervalued though and don't want to whinge but... His 40th came up. I arranged a huge party, bought an expensive gift and booked several holidays to celebrate. We are not rich by any means and I've been saving up for this for several years. Mine is coming up and I don't want anything in return apart from to go back to a place I travelled to as a student . The destination is in massive demand and needs a year in advance booking. I stated this several times and have had to book the flights myself. Two months on and the place I wanted to stay has gone. I'm okay with staying 10 miles away from where I wanted but I just feel that I do everything I can do to make my husband happy and I don't get the same in return. Am I being petty or should I expect more when I invest so much time trying to make his life happy?

KarmaNoMore Thu 22-Sep-16 23:04:01

Well, the thing is that you shouldn't do nice things to get something you consider of equal value in return, for the simple reason that the other people may not grasp how important something is for you or not, even when you mention it 400 times.

If this place is so important to you, don't wait for him to find a moment in his busy diary to decide whether he wants to make a decision on this next week or next year. Just book it yourself. I know it is not as romantic when you have to organise your own celebration but much better to do so than end up with something which is not up to what you wanted.

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:06:20

Thanks Karma, I think you're right. It kind of feels like romance is dead though. What can I expect after 10 years.. I think I expected mor efrom him , that's all.

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:07:41

It's not that it's even of equal value ..He knows how important it is to me and yes, i probably have mentioned it 400 times ;)

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:11:08

If he has a history of being a thoughtless knob then go with a friend instead. Prob have a better time!!

PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 22-Sep-16 23:16:33

I'm sorry but if I were your husband I would ridiculous booking another holiday after you had booked several when neither of you are on massive salaries. I actually can't get past the fact you booked several holidays as well as a party and gift! That's absolutely fucking mental!

KarmaNoMore Thu 22-Sep-16 23:16:38

Well, it may not be that bad.... I'm just saying this as my poor exh could only get a gift I liked twice in a 10 year marriage. Admittedly I'm a bit particular and he tried hard, but good grief he was way off target most times. At the risk of being outed, I have a horrendous collection of rings (he knew I liked rings but the only decent looking one he ever chose was most likely suggested by the posh girl at the jewellery shop), I also was gifted with a "whole day with his family" for our first anniversary and I even was presented, after much fanfare, with a fantastic and very unique gift he had got for me in Italy... A small lava rock from Mt Vesubious itself! hmm

From then on, everytime he asked if I wanted a gift, I used to tell him "just get me some Bacci from the airport..."

PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 22-Sep-16 23:18:00

Also, is there the possibility that the holidays you booked might just feel like leverage? You booked them so he has to book one for you? That'd piss me off. Is he usually a big spender?

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:19:29

I don't know what term I'd use to describe him. I don't know if knob sums him up although I have whispered it in my mind at times! I guess unimaginative, unromantic and probably a little thoughtless sums it up. He's a great dad though and works hard. I'm a little opinionated at times and have put one or two of the mums' backs up at school. He reminded me tonight that 'no-one likes me and I have no friends'..Can I take the 'I don't know if he's a knob' comment back??

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:22:20

PaullAnka, they were all saved up for and paid for. That's just it. I look years ahead into how to surprise him. If I earn my money and save it, surely I can spend it how I like?

KarmaNoMore Thu 22-Sep-16 23:22:46

I think that if my ex had said to me that no one likes me and I have no friends. I wouldn't be thinking he is a knob, would be making plans to LTB, who cannot even appreciate all what I do for him and needs to be so cruel.

I bet he is not a good parent either, good parents treat the other parent with respect. What an awful thing to say!

GoodLuckTime Thu 22-Sep-16 23:23:27

So it's not about the money?

Rather you wanted him to organise it for you and he hasn't?

Only you can know how much that matters.

I'm the social organiser in our family. So organised DH's 40th birthday party and will also probably organise my own when it rolls around. I'm better at party organising than him so id rather do it well myself than get annoyed he's not doing it the way I want.

But he is good at other things and doing other things for me. Eg he'll organise a celebration for just the two of us, get me a lovely gift, etc.

So overall we are balanced, even though we don't do exactly the same things for each other.

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:24:35

Karma, a whole day with the family halo

PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 22-Sep-16 23:24:47

Of course you can, but if you had several holidays booked perhaps he felt it wasn't the best time to book yet another holiday?

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:27:29

Karma, not making excuses for him but I guess I may have got a little riled about his lack of organisation.
Goodlucktime, It's definitely not about the money. It's about the thought.

Shelly32 Thu 22-Sep-16 23:28:14

Paulanka, this is for a year later, not right away.

Blueskyrain Thu 22-Sep-16 23:47:27

I'd be a but miffed - it's not about the money but about the effort. Whether you've been together for 1 year or 20 years, its do important to make the other person feel loved and valued. It sounds like you had a lot planned for his birthday, so I can see why you might think he would be more pro-active over yours. Romance doesn't need to die - you clearly aren't letting it... It's just an excuse that people use when they can't be bothered to do it.

tofutti Thu 22-Sep-16 23:51:37

'No one likes me and I have no friends'

That's cruel and hurtful. Does he often bring you down like this?

I wouldn't be getting him any more birthday treats.

Shelly32 Fri 23-Sep-16 00:08:05

He doesn't ever say things like that which is why I came on here to see if I was maybe being unreasonable.

Shelly32 Fri 23-Sep-16 00:11:21

Blueskyrain- that's just it. I think he can't be bothered.

Shelly32 Fri 23-Sep-16 00:12:26

How do I change that? Can I even?

Blueskyrain Fri 23-Sep-16 00:23:31

How has he been in the past with this sort of thing? A lot of people love in the way they like to be loved - so you organise holidays for guys birthday because for you that's a lovely way of showing love, but he doesn't seem to have realised that.

Have toy ever read the 5 love languages book? It's a bit twee, and feel free to ignore the religious stuff in it, but I think its got some valuable advice for this sort of situation. He needs to understand how you feel loved, because people show it in so many different ways.

I think some people on here don't get your frustration, but that might be because they value other 'love languages' more - like they might value their husbands making lots of time for affection or doing more around the house. I understand that this isn't about money, its about wanting him to put effort into gestures to make you happy.

Basically, he needs to learn what makes you feel happy and loved, and do it.

Redorangeyellowgreenblue Fri 23-Sep-16 00:33:31

I wouldn't be speaking to my husband until he apologised for saying 'nobody like me.' It's a horrible thing for him to say and how dare he put you down like that.

Some people just arn't organised and leave things the last minute it wouldn't bother me about the holiday as much as the hurtful thing he said!!

JellyBelli Fri 23-Sep-16 00:36:45

He reminded me tonight that 'no-one likes me and I have no friends'.

He's a charmer. You are clearly lucky to have him, at least in his opinion confused

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