WIBU to not nurture the DC's relationship with MIL because she is so awful to me?

[notveryclever14]

If your MIL was bordering on abhorrent to you every time she saw you, would you nurture her relationship with your DC?

Among many other things MIL has told me repeatedly she wished DH had never married me, that she hates how I dress, hates that I don't wear make-up, that she hates breast-feeding. She has locked me in rooms at really crucial times (my wedding day, DC's christening, meals with family) "by mistake" and is very physical, shoving me out of the way, again "not intentionally." Luckily we don't see her often, but when we do, I hate every minute of it.

DH sees what she is like, as she is like this with him sometimes although not as often. He confronts her whenever she says or does anything to hurt me and they have a screaming argument (in their native language, so I don't understand what they're saying.) She then begrudgingly apologises, but does it again the next time she sees me, usually out of the view of DH.

She is quite a loud, frightening person, and the DC are a bit scared of her. (Think grabbing them and covering them with lipstick kisses.) Her perfume is overwhelming and very hard to be in an enclosed space, which the DC also find a bit overwhelming.

MIL is desperate to have a relationship with them. DH is trying to nurture it and talks about her to them a lot. But I just can't bring myself to talk nicely about her. Should I be over-riding my resentment and letting the DC make up their own minds?

[Corialanusburt]

No because she told you she wished her son had never married you. That's wicked and your children shouldn't be exposed to it.

[MsVestibule]

I would have absolutely nothing to do with her! I wouldn't facilitate any contact with her, nor would I speak about her, either negatively or positively. If your DH wants to, that's up to him, but I would have no part of it.

Why does he tolerate this behaviour towards his wife?

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

Are you kidding?! She is physically aggressive to you, openly hates you And says who knows what to your kids?! I would not even be letting them near her ever mind nutmrtueing a relationship.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

Never mind nurturing that should say!

[FlyingElbows]

Mr Elbows family were utter cunts to me and the result of that is that our children don't see them. I will not have my children in the company of people who cannot be civil about their mother. I have a zero tolerance policy though as a result of a childhood at the mercy of a toxic mother so I wouldn't be surprised if others are more forgiving than me.

[phoolani]

God, no. I'd keep them well away from her. It would be weird for them if you talked 'nicely' about her, only for them to then see how she treated you. Wouldn't that send the message that you should be nice to people who treat you terribly?

[SmallBee]

Fuck no. She can fuck off.
I'd only see her if I couldn't avoid it and never ever initiate contact or be anything other than busy when she does.

[napmeistergeneral]

That sounds awful. I would say let your DH do the relationship nurturing as he sees fit and stay strictly neutral. Unless she starts behaving like that to your DC. What is wrong with some people!

[CathFromCooberPedy]

No absolutely not. You don't get to be an arsehole to me and walk all over me.

[ginorwine]

My mil was very passive aggressive to me
She said I had puppy fat on our first meeting
She actually interrupted our wedding
My Dh visits her about twice a year - I don't go and neither do my dc .
She blames me I imagine - I don't care.
I hope you get a good outcome . It is not acceptable that she treats you this way .
My mil threatened to kill herself when I told her a few home truths - she didn't . She lives quite a bitter lonley life sadly .

[ginorwine]

Remain positive and sure about your rules and what us right and acceptable .

[seven201]

Bloody hell she sounds vile! Definitely no contact with you. It's tricky as your dh understandably wants them to see each other. If she's not being so crazy/horrible when with your kids then maybe you should let your dh organise meet ups, but you definitely shouldn't go.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

So she assults you and has intentionally locked you in rooms,

I would be very concerned about you ability to protect your children from harm if you did and Im curious as to why your DH whonunderstands the behaviour is wrong and has seen it with his own eyes thinks it's a good idea to expose his children to that

[pinkiponk]

She's intentionally locked you in rooms?! How did you get out?
I don't understand why dh has anything to do with her.
My parents were awful to me and they're out of my life now, best thing I ever did. Their toxicity won't come anywhere near my family.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I wouldn't lift a finger to facilitate a relationship with your children. I wouldn't badmouth her but if a child asked why we don't see grandmother, I would calmly explain that grandmother has made it very plain she doesn't like you and has behaved badly to you in the past so you no longer spend time with her.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Your job is to protect your kids not expose them to such things! Relative or not!! Tell dh he can spend as much time with her as he wants to but you will be at home. With the kids. .

[Gideonsangel123]

Refuse to have her in your home and don't go to hers, under these circumstances your Husband must back you up, failing that just accidentally elbow her in her face.

[DeadGood]

Echoing the above

I'd also add that you should tell your DH he is not to leave you alone with her, ever. If he gets up to go to the loo, you leave the room too. Etc. Protect yourself, and get his help to do so.

[DoinItFine]

Far from encouraging my children to have a close relationship with an abusive lunatic who hates their mother, I would be keeping them as far from her as possible.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Take no part in appeasing this awful person, doesn't matter who she is. She is not welcome in your home, that's what you should tell your dh.

Why in the world should she get to have a relationship with your children?
After what she's said and done?

[Ilovecharliecat]

She sounds horrible, I'd be doing my best to keep my DC as far away as possible from this bitch

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

She locked you in a room on your wedding day? And at your child's baptism?The woman is clearly unhinged and I'd be keeping the children far away from her. That's without even thinking about your children potentially seeing you being physically bullied.

[LineyReborn]

Keep her away from your children.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

Someone like that wouldn't be allowed anywhere near my kids. Only a matter of time before she gets physical with them too.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I would tell the DC very clearly that their DGM has "problems with being nice". I would tell them how we handle her "silly" behaviour (walk away). I would tell them it is "sad" she has these problems.

This isn't hypothetical for me. This is my DM and I have had these conversations with my DC. Be honest about her having mental health issues that she fails to recognise, admit or seek treatment for. Teach your DC about how you can love someone (presumably your DH loves his DM) without tolerating crap behaviour.