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To wonder why many new relationships, when one/both parties have prev DC, need to be validated by having a child

(28 Posts)
WarholsLittleQueen Thu 22-Sep-16 19:06:41


Someone mentioned this in another thread, and it is something I have wondered for a while so I thought it warranted a new thread.

Practically everyone I know has 1 - 2 DC with a previous DP / DH, then at least one with someone else. And I include myself in this, I have an older DC with exH 1 as well as my 2 DC with my most recent exH who also has a DC with an ex. never having any more if I meet anyone else

Has anyone else noticed this? Or is it just in my social circles ? (Doubt it as lots and lots of blended families on MN alone)

I know this sounds terrible but I really don't know how else to word it blush It makes me almost wonder if, is it like the men want to "mark their territory" when they get with a woman with kids? I know exH2 couldn't wait to have a baby with me and we quickly TTC'd as did a lot of my friends who already had DC when they met their dp's/dh's

I only know one exception and its My exH1. He has remarried a lovely lady with 2 teen children of her own and they've been together years. And everyone always says awwww why don't they have one together? As if its really odd that they haven't.

Just interests me and wanted to get peoples thoughts!

Pisssssedofff Thu 22-Sep-16 19:09:52

Because you want your family back. Your life dreams hopes have been shredded to fuck by divorce and you want that togetherness

DerekSprechenZeDick Thu 22-Sep-16 19:10:51

Nope some people have accidental pregnancies and some couples decide they want a baby.

Personal choice tbh

Some men get into relationships with women with children and decide they want one of their own.

I know couples who have children with other people and none together and it's perfect for them.

phillipp Thu 22-Sep-16 19:11:37

The blended families I know have had kids because they got together fairly young (young enough to have more).

The ones that haven't have got together at 40 plus.

Also it's been the women in the relationships that were the ones wanting another baby. Not men marking their territory. Do you feel women wanting a baby with their second husband/partner are marking their territory?

I imagine there are loads of reasons. On meeting a new partner you want a baby with them, because you wanted more children but split with your ex before you could, because it feels right.

Tons of them.

WarholsLittleQueen Thu 22-Sep-16 19:15:37

Do you feel women wanting a baby with their second husband/partner are marking their territory?

In a way. A friend of mine really wanted a baby with her DP as it used to bug the hell out of her his exp had had his child and she hadn't. I don't understand that mentality personally but I imagine people do feel that way (male and female)

JacquesHammer Thu 22-Sep-16 19:16:19

If I am lucky enough to have another serious relationship I would LOVE to try for more children.

I am infertile but I cannot shake the thought of having more children.

Somerville Thu 22-Sep-16 19:17:58

It's not really surprising is it?

As well as the reasons PP's have already mentioned. there's the fact that the start of a new relationship often involves a lot of sex. And birth control isn't 100% effective.

ayeokthen Thu 22-Sep-16 19:18:28

Youngest two were happy accidents, we weren't planning on having any "together" because we felt the 3 we had between us were enough. Don't regret the babies for a second, glad we have them and wouldn't change a thing, but they weren't planned, so to answer your question I don't know.

phillipp Thu 22-Sep-16 19:19:00

Lots of people have babies for stupid reasons. Marking your territory is one of them.

But I am sure plenty of people who don't have other kids have them for stupid reasons too. Perhaps including marking their territory.

I don't think that's got anything to do with it being a second relationship. Some people do daft stuff.

callycat1 Thu 22-Sep-16 19:19:35

I agree with you OP, I think it's to cement the relationship in a way. Sad really.

mushroomsontoast Thu 22-Sep-16 19:20:51

I wouldn't... We'd lose our child-free weekend every fortnight!

KathArtic Thu 22-Sep-16 19:23:43

I was only laughing about something similar to DH the other day.

Man gets fed up with wife and kids and 'family life'. Meets young, blonde bombshell. Leaves wife and kids for bombshell and 6 months late bombshell announces she pregnant. Man is back where he started.

cloudyday99 Thu 22-Sep-16 19:26:21

DH and I both have DC already, and have decided not to try for more.

But I do understand the urge to have one together. To have someone who would be related to all of us (existing DC and DH and me). It makes me a bit sad that we won't have that, and I'm young enough just about that it might have been possible. But our existing DC are all teens now, and we both feel it would be too much of a step back, and that were have our hands full already, so on balance I think we won't

But I do understand why people want to. I don't think it's about marking territory, more about completing the creation on the new family. If DH had been really keen I'd have been persuadable, even though I probably wouldn't have really wanted any more if I'd stayed with my ex. Getting married helped us I think as a substitute in a way, to feel recognised as a family.

GeorgeTheThird Thu 22-Sep-16 19:26:50

Yes it's the "joining baby" phenomenon. People think their current relationship is less significant than the last one if that resulted in children and this one hasn't. Hard on the kids, I think.

gttob Thu 22-Sep-16 19:27:20

That's why I was sterilised this week.
Adore dh2, but do not feel the need to cement it with an addition. I have two he has one.

Our relationship is great in many ways but i know how quickly they can change and I do not wish to be a single mum again at 40 confused

CannotEvenDeal Thu 22-Sep-16 19:28:16

Yanbu, dh and I are definitely in the minority amongst blended families that we know. Been together a decade and only just ttc now. His ds was 2 when we met and is now 12 and I was happy to raise him as my own as dh's exw isn't around at all. He quite likes the idea of having a baby around, fingers crossed! I'll consider myself a mother of 2, for sure smile

For me, the priority was making sure that dss was happy and settled after a lot of upheaval in his early years and the eventual abandonment by his biological mum.

DisneyMillie Thu 22-Sep-16 19:29:04

Personally because dp loved being a stepdad and it made him want one of his own too. Also somehow just felt right - like it completed our family

gttob Thu 22-Sep-16 19:29:32

Mushroomsontoast - that's another reason blush

Plus our annual winter week in the sun before Xmas child free!

FriendofBill Thu 22-Sep-16 19:29:50

It's not necessarily validating the relationship.
Some peoples love for each other is expressed through having children.
Some may want big families that demise of previous relationship prevented.
One or other partner may convince the other partner it's a good idea.
Sibling/s for existing child.
There are many reasons!

CannotEvenDeal Thu 22-Sep-16 19:30:02

But our existing DC are all teens now, and we both feel it would be too much of a step back

We thought about that too but we're going for it anyway grin I must be mad

Trills Thu 22-Sep-16 19:37:45

I agree with the observation.

I think that people choose to have a child with their new partner when, if they had stayed with (and been happy with) their previous partner they would not have had any additional children.

I think there is some feeling of "being a proper family together" that comes from having a child that belongs to both of you.

I haven't observed where it comes from though.

Conniedescending Thu 22-Sep-16 20:13:47

Gosh I don't know but I 'm not sure it's a great idea either - especially if both parties already have children

debbs77 Thu 22-Sep-16 21:07:25

It's human nature! We are programmed to have children. So it is a natural thing to do with someone we love.

HereIAm20 Thu 22-Sep-16 21:29:02

We both had one each from previous marriages but when we got together we wanted one because we loved each other.

WhooooAmI24601 Thu 22-Sep-16 21:33:07

I had DS1 when I met now DH. When we met and began to get serious about our relationship he openly admitted he'd like children of his own. I wanted more so we had DS2. I'm unable to have more and we're more than ok with our lot in life. I don't think either of us were marking our territory but building a family together. Part of loving DH was wanting a baby with him; it didn't invalidate my love for DS1's Dad; I absolutely did love him. But love isn't always a permanent state, and adulthood means sometimes your family plans go out the window and you have to build new plans.

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