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"He's just your boyfriend"

(79 Posts)
StrongerThanIThought76 Thu 22-Sep-16 17:41:28

Been with my partner for 7 years, we live separately but within streets of each other, I have 2 kids full time, he has 2 kids 50/50.

This summer I turned 40 and my dad paid for us both to go to New York for 4 nights, on top of a huge family trip to Florida at Easter (but my partner didn't come as he had kids, work commitments etc).

My mum is very bitter about her divorce 30 years ago and was not interested in our holiday to Florida, and when i started to tell her about our recent adventure she got arsey and declared that she couldn't understand why my dad would pay for my partner as he's only my "boyfriend".

We've been together (apart from a painful break for about 9 months) for 7 years, longer than my brother has known his wife, who went to Florida, for 2 weeks, all expenses paid.

I'm livid. Because we're not married she thinks it's not a proper relationship; after being EA by my ex husband I can confirm that it is by far the best relationship I've been in, and she's really down on him constantly.

She's hosting Christmas this year, I'm really wanting to cancel and do something alternative with my partner and kids.

AIBU? I don't want to get married (yet), and I want to drag her into the 21st century!

ayeokthen Thu 22-Sep-16 17:43:55

We're not married, together 5 years, 5 DCs between us (my DS, his DSDs from marriage, 2 DC together) and it doesn't matter a fuck to us. Both married before, both determined we don't want to marry again. It's crap you've been made to feel this way.

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 22-Sep-16 17:48:10

Well I agree that seven years is a long time and he shouldn't be excluded from a holiday but she wouldn't be alone in her own in thinking of him as a boyfriend when you don't live together, if I heard partner I would assume you lived together, I would call him a boyfriend when to don'r love together so if it's the title that's bothering you yabu and the paid holiday yanbu

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 22-Sep-16 17:48:24

Just have your own stress - free Christmas!!

expatinscotland Thu 22-Sep-16 17:50:13

Do you own thing with your partner and families.

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 22-Sep-16 17:50:29

Sorry read that again, are you sure it's because your not married? I think it's more not living together surely? Nothing wrong with not being married but not living together is different again

Jackie0 Thu 22-Sep-16 17:51:09

I agree with cabbage.
You don't live together therefore he is your boyfriend.

BombadierFritz Thu 22-Sep-16 17:52:58

yup, not cohabiting, therefore not partner, but boyfriend. paying for the holiday is a different matter.

phillipp Thu 22-Sep-16 17:53:58

How is he your partner? What do you share? Partner implies shared responsibilities.

I don't think he should be excluded from the holiday. However boyfriend is accurate.

HighwayDragon1 Thu 22-Sep-16 17:54:00

You don't live together, if you lived together and had been together for 7 years (like me and dp) it'd probably be different. My mum calls him her sil and his mum calls me dil

Cocklodger Thu 22-Sep-16 17:55:30

I think a lot of people (myself included) would find it quite strange you have DC's been together a couple years shy of a decade and don't live together.
I'm sure there is probably a logical explanation for it but I would call him your boyfriend, too. Not a partner...

Arfarfanarf Thu 22-Sep-16 17:57:01

You dont live together, don't share children, don't share household finances (i assume)
So yes i can see why in her mind he is boyfriend - someone you are dating/ in a relationship with rather than partner - someone you have made a family set up with.

If you arent happy with that then tell her. She should respect your choice to call each other partner regardless her view of what your relationship is. She needs to understand that its how you feel that matters.

WatchingFromTheWings Thu 22-Sep-16 17:58:26

I agree with pp. You don't live together so he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend.

KungFuPandaWorksOut Thu 22-Sep-16 17:58:50

Yeah, I think it's the not living together, nothing to do with marriage. It strikes me as odd, but hey it's your life who am I too judge.

19lottie82 Thu 22-Sep-16 17:59:26

There is no definition to say that you have to live with someone for them to be your "partner".

My Mother and her partner have been together for 20 years, but they don't live together. At almost 70 I think the term "partner" is more appropriate than "boyfriend"!

BillSykesDog Thu 22-Sep-16 17:59:53

Um, your DM had a difficult divorce which she still has issues over. You very tactlessly held forth about extravagant holidays which your DF pays (including the fact he paid) for which probably brings up a whole host of painful issues for her.

She made the 'just your boyfriend' comment which annoyed you. But she was retaliating. I would suggest that before you start moaning about how people speak to you hurting your feelings you start exercising a little sensitivity towards other people's feelings and you may start finding it's much less of an issue!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 22-Sep-16 18:00:11

If it works for you, then that's the main thing.

I think it's likely that your mum doesn't want to hear about your trip because your dad paid for it and she is bitter about him and doesn't like him.

If she doesn't accept that your partner/boyfriend is part of your family then that's a different kettle of fish. You are right to be upset if that's the case.

acasualobserver Thu 22-Sep-16 18:00:26

Yes, a boyfriend but not necessarily just a boyfriend. Do your own thing this Christmas.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 22-Sep-16 18:01:06

But he is your boyfriend.

phillipp Thu 22-Sep-16 18:01:06

There is no definition to say that you have to live with someone for them to be your "partner".

I think you will find the dictionary has a definition of 'partner'

bill I agree.

squoosh Thu 22-Sep-16 18:01:26

I know someone who lives in a separate house to her husband. They're very happy.

I'd skip Crimbo at your mother's house OP. She does not sound like a barrel of laughs.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 22-Sep-16 18:01:44

BillSykes I agree, you worded my point better smile.

BillSykesDog Thu 22-Sep-16 18:02:40

Oh, and if you go on big expensive summer holidays with your DF then cancel Christmas with your mother over one small comment you really would be out of order.

Do you get cross with your DF over such small issues or does he get a free pass because of his fat wallet?

harderandharder2breathe Thu 22-Sep-16 18:02:44

I agree, it's likely because you don't live together rather than not married. I get that with two sets of children involved it's probably more practical but it does seem less committed than living together

MiddleClassProblem Thu 22-Sep-16 18:03:02

What acasualobserver said.

It's not the term boyfriend it's the "just".

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