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To only buy birthday gifts for people who buy me birthday gifts?

(29 Posts)
Bibs2014 Tue 20-Sep-16 18:11:34

Or is that petty?
What do you do?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Tue 20-Sep-16 19:31:29

I wouldn't say it was petty. Some would say fair enough.
It's a personal choice isn't it. Some people love giving and don't care a lot about receiving.

specialsubject Tue 20-Sep-16 19:48:22

it's a great idea. Should stop the exchange of tat very quickly - most adults really don't need any more stuff.

melibu84 Tue 20-Sep-16 19:51:05

I love buying gifts, I don't care if people buy me one or not. I just find it enjoyable to look for something that I know someone will really like.

ConvincingLiar Tue 20-Sep-16 19:51:53

Sounds fine. Who were you thinking of cutting off the list?

Only1scoop Tue 20-Sep-16 19:52:52

Who are you whittling down?

blueturtle6 Tue 20-Sep-16 20:17:17

Do you exclude people who send money? I feel that is a cop out especially when I put thought into a gift, for said person.

HeCantBeSerious Tue 20-Sep-16 20:29:54

We bought presents for nieces and nephews (DS's side) for years while they ignored ours. Not even a thank you when gifts were handed over and no embarrassment at having nothing for DC. So we've stopped too. Might be petty but I couldn't give a crap anymore. I'm not rewarding such utter rudeness.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Tue 20-Sep-16 20:40:17

If I did this, I'd only ever have to buy for my own kids, and nobody else. i don't really mind about that, with one exception.
My mother told me that once I was 40, I was too old for her to give me presents of any kind. This rule does not apply to my sisters, her very creepy friends, or anyone else it would seem. However, since she seems to feel strongly about it, I will honour her wish and give her the square root of fuck all for her 70th birthday this year. My dad will get a nice bottle of Isle of Harris gin, to help drown out the noise and cover the smell of burning martyr.

KC225 Tue 20-Sep-16 21:25:56

Zippy hahaha your last sentence

Bibs2014 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:17:01

I always get told by my older sisters to buy or contribute to presents for my brothers and my sister in law but I don't get anything from any of them when it's my birthday.

Arfarfanarf Tue 20-Sep-16 22:19:48

and what do they say when you point that out?

You don't have to do what people tell you. It's ok to say actually no, I won't be doing that. The fact that they are your older sisters is neither here nor there. They aren't in control of you!

Say it's clear that they would prefer not to exchange gifts so you will not continue to embarrass them by giving gifts that are not reciprocated.

Bibs2014 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:21:27

Then the other two say they will go halves and I look like the bad one.

Arfarfanarf Tue 20-Sep-16 22:28:43


What happens? They beat you with sticks?

Hire a plane to skywrite Bibs Didn't Contribute?

Set you on fire?


come on, you're a big girl. You can cope with your sisters being silly. You don't contribute to a gift for people who also don't contribute to gifts. No reasonable person is going to need smelling salts upon learning that.

If it's raised, look puzzled. Well I don't know why that's been said, X never buys gifts so I simply respect their wish to not exchange gifts, how odd that you think that's unreasonable, is everything ok with you? <head tilt>

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 20-Sep-16 22:29:00

No YANBU at all. I've finally seen the light with my DB and SIL and will only do cards now, which will still be more than they bother with!

It came to a head when after a massive load of effort and expense invested in their wedding and wedding gift we didn't even get a fucking card for ours a little while later. But I realised they've always been bad at that stuff and putting myself out (as I'll continue to do with the rest of the family who reciprocate thoughtfully) was only pissing me off.

Can't do anything to change them but I can change what I do.

Bibs2014 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:33:46

Arf I do agree with you but then I'm made to look petty.

Bibs2014 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:40:08

Arf they aren't reasonable!

Arfarfanarf Tue 20-Sep-16 23:12:13

Who will you 'be made' to look bad to?
They are the 'reasonable people ' i was talking about.

It's clear your sisters are a pair of bossy boots.

But you say you will be 'made' to look bad.

To who?

Who are the people that will be hearing how you dont buy gifts for people who dont buy gifts for you?

Why do you care so much? What are you afraid of?

Who do you think you look petty to and why do you care?

Arfarfanarf Tue 20-Sep-16 23:18:53

Im not having a go at you btw
it's just that you are so concerned with what people think of you and you need to unpick that.

It's ok if someone isnt happy.

Dont give other people so much power over you.

Your choices here are basically make a stand or suck it up.

I'd make a stand tbh..

Bibs2014 Wed 21-Sep-16 09:04:06

I know you're not having a go at me, Arf. It is actually helping making me ask myself these questions.

It will make me look bad and petty to the rest of my family.

Arfarfanarf Wed 21-Sep-16 12:03:00

the ones that don't choose to buy you gifts?

which brings us right back round to

so what?

Unless you can break free of this fear of how other people might see you, and realise that actually, that's not your priority and it's ok for someone to feel whatever they feel, you are going to be stuck.

I mean, you're putting yourself right at the bottom of the pile in order to prioritise people who will never prioritise you.


What's the benefit to you?

Arfarfanarf Wed 21-Sep-16 12:07:31

it's nice to be nice.

You sound nice. You really do. If there were more really nice and thoughtful people in the world we'd all be better for it.

But nice people will never win against selfish people . It doesn't work like that.

You can be a nice person without being or feeling like a doormat. There is a balance you can achieve, where you don't lose, all the time.

They won't like or respect you for rolling over. They just won't.

Unpleasant people seek out conflict avoidant people and it's such an unhealthy dynamic.

You need an injection of 'screw em' grin and to not be afraid to be assertive. And to not fear this big old cloud of Their Feelings About You coming to hang over you, paralysing you.

Lonoxo Wed 21-Sep-16 16:49:12

arf didn't want to read and run. Some great advice there. Hope it helps the OP.

DontMindMe1 Wed 21-Sep-16 17:14:48

It will make me look bad and petty to the rest of my family
so what?
it's not like they've got your best interests at heart - does the 'family' say or do anything to db and sil to make them 'play nice' like they expect you to? No.

You need to stop seeking validation from them - they've made it plainly clear that they have more consideration for db and sil, that they will suck up to them. you are there to simply keep up the facade of 'happy families'.

what would happen if you bluntly told them that you will NOT be contributing to or buying gifts for them?

DontMindMe1 Wed 21-Sep-16 17:16:01

what is db and sil and the rest of your familes excuse for these two never returning the favour? how is their behaviour not considered bad and petty?

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