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It's all too much

(69 Posts)
UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 18:42:56

Posting here as I know i'll be given the slating I need.

I posted a few days ago under a different NN on Chat about my DH being in hospital and needing an operation (my selfish mum wouldn't look after my DD).

Well unfortunately the temporary operation hasn't worked and he's been back in hospital twice this week. Hospital won't budge on letting DD (15m) into the ward so she's been with PILs/Nursery Workers/My DB alot.

Poor DD only started Nursery a few months ago, so it's still pretty unsettling for her. And it's all come to ahead today when I picked her up from nursery.

Nursery Info: They have 4 rooms; Babies which is 12wks-Crawlers/12months, Teenies which is Crawlers/12months to those walking outside/22 months, Toddler which is Outside Walkers/22months to 3 years, and Preschool which is 3-4 and a half year olds.

DD is currently in Teenies, she can crawl when she wants to and does a lot at home but won't at Nursery. She sits and cries until staff pick her up, if they ignore her she'll throw toys, kick or bite other children. When she's held by staff she won't play with toys, she just plays with their hair/jewelry/t-shirts. She just physically won't settle properly on the floor. She also refuses to nap or eat or take her milk. She will drink water.

At home she won't sleep at night unless it's on the living room floor which I don't like letting her do regularly as she sleeps curled up on her knees and looks uncomfortable, plus I'd have to supervise all night and I need sleep. So she's shouting and screaming in her cot until she finally exhausts herself sometime between 3 and 5am.

So with my permission Nursery trialled her in Baby Room to see if she was happier with the slightly younger children (she's tiny, still in 6-9m trousers/9-12m tops/dresses and compared to my friends children who're similar age she's still a lot more a baby than a toddler in looks). She's been going there for her last two weeks at Nursery (she goes 3 days a week), she still won't crawl in the Baby room but she is happy to play with a book and stops demanding staffs attention. She still wouldn't nap or eat but started to take her milk over the last few days.

She still wouldn't sleep at home so I was still exhausted but coping.

That was until today. I'm hoping it's because of the situation with DH, because she's been unsettled as MIL dropped her off at 8am while I went to work. I got a phonecall at midday asking me to pick her up. She'd bitten a member of staff while they were feeding her her lunch, apparently she was crying and thrashing about in the highchair and when the staff member went to give her some food she bit the workers finger hard enough to scratch and draw blood. Nursery have been aware of the situation with my DH so I was upset when they told me they're considering whether to ask me to find alternative childcare for her.

I have to work. DH is off atm, and is only getting SSP, my work is covering Rent/Bills/Other Expenses and CC Vouchers where covering Nursery. DH cannot look after DD until after his big operation. What the hell can I do? I looked at Childminders and there's a 6 month waiting list for them, and the only other Nursery in town that's within a 20minute drive of my work is only open term time 9-3pm and I work 8.30-6pm.

On top of that, the cat who's shy and doesn't like new people who've been feeding her has got stressed with the situation and stopped eating. So she's been to the vet which has cost nearly £70 to be told she's fine. We've bought some air diffusers but she's still stressed I know; scratching furniture (she never does this), meowing loudly at random times, and biting me/DH when we fuss her.

And we've just been told that DH's operation can't be done at either of the "local" hospitals (I say local, they're 20 and 30 miles away respectively) so he'll need to go to the big specialist hospital 80 miles away. He has to have someone with him so that means time off work for me/MIL/FIL as he'll be there for 6-8 weeks as he'll need physio and recovery time afterwards and non of us have enough holiday time left to do the whole lot. And DD may not be able to visit him until week 3 or 4 as until that point he'll be on a mens only surgical recovery ward, and the rules are visitors must be over 18, apparently no exceptions have ever been made.

It's just too much. I can't quit work and neither can DH, if nursery ask me to take DD out what the hell am I gonna do?

I just want to walk away, not forever, but just until I can cope again.

Please give me the beating I deserve. DH is terrified, as the Op could mean he'll be infertile. I need to be the strong one for DH and DD, but I don't think I can be.

Yonosemanana Sat 17-Sep-16 18:53:14

Fuck. I don't think you need any slating, just a lot of positive vibes; that's an awful lot to be going through. I have no real advice but just know that I think anyone in your situation would be feeling utterly overwhelmed too.

Crispbutty Sat 17-Sep-16 19:03:58

I'm so sorry. I remember your last thread. It sounds horrendous so no wonder you feel that way.

I assume your mother is still behaving atrociously and refusing to help in any way? Are there any other family members on either side who can help or temporarily child mind? If you are on Facebook, I would absolutely say ask if anyone can help, as I know if any of my friends were stuck I would go out of my way to help if they asked. If people think you are coping fine they often don't offer help. Share the burden and let people know you are sinking with it all.

Littleelffriend Sat 17-Sep-16 19:05:13

Where in the country are you? You don't need slating you need help. If you're near me I will help you. I'm off on mat leave and have quite an easy baby.

Rachie1986 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:10:20

No beating, you are going through such a tough time. Sending many hugs your way and really hope you get it sorted xx

LIZS Sat 17-Sep-16 19:13:57

Sounds very stressful. Any chance you could be signed off sick due to stress? I'm not clear why someone has to stay while dh is in hospital.

katiekrafter Sat 17-Sep-16 19:16:36

First a massive hug to you for coping with a really difficult situation.

I'm a nursery manager in Scotland (where expectations may well be different, so please don't take anything I say without a pinch of salt). However, I would say that the nursery can do more. They have moved her to the baby room, but did they discuss with you that this would involve a change of staff and this might add further stress to your DD? Children at this age do have issues with changes to their carers and in addition to everything else that's going on in her life, her nursery carers have probably changed. I would have a word with the manager and see if they can develop a care plan to meet her needs at this stage. And why is it important for her to stop demanding staff attention? This is what they are there for, and it sounds to me as if she is reacting because she is not getting enough. Please pm me if you need any more thoughts, but I would suggest a chat with the manager about where you go from here would be a useful first step.

Buggeritimgettingup Sat 17-Sep-16 19:17:14

If you're near me I'll help. You need a medal love not a beating!

perrita Sat 17-Sep-16 19:19:18

Agree with other posters that you don't need a beating! I'd also ask if you could be signed off sick with stress for a few weeks while this is all going on, it's too much for any one person to deal with!

UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 19:20:57

Crispbutty According to DB "D"M has gone on holiday for the next 2 weeks, haven't spoken to her since DHs first admission to hospital. She hasn't called or text me at all in that time.

DHs family all live 4 hours away where PILs live, I'm sure some of them would come and help if they could but they have children/commitments of their own. I don't see or speak to my own dad for reasons unrelated to this thread. My DBro is the only person I have who lives near enough to help, but works full time himself.

Littleelffriend Midlands

LIZS If I'm signed off I too will only get SSP which won't cover our bills let alone DDs childcare.

Due to the nature of DHs op he needs to have someone with him when they do treatment/examinations and although they have chaperones at the hospital it can take awhile to get one therefore delaying treatment. Also being so far from home I'm sure having his DW/DM/DF with him will make him feel a lot more comfortable.

puglife15 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:22:17

Are you in a permanent job? Have you been there more than a year?

If yes you are entitled to parental leave. You can take 4 weeks per year in week long chunks.

You won't get paid but it's only for a few weeks and means you can keep your job.

puglife15 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:23:57

Can PIL lend you £ to cover a months bills or do you have any savings you could dip into?

Therealloislane Sat 17-Sep-16 19:23:58

If you're near me (NI) I would be happy to help in evenings/weekends.

Therealloislane Sat 17-Sep-16 19:25:54

Ah. I see you're not.

Do either of you have any insurances? Is there anything in small print of your mortgage that entitles you to a break in pay or anything if one of you are ill?

UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 19:28:01

RE Nursery yes all the staff have changed with the move of rooms, including her Key Worker which hadn't been set up yet as we weren't sure it was a permanent move. I'd be happier with staying in the baby room. I think I will call to have a meeting with the managers (both of the nursery and the two rooms she's been in) on Monday.

Can't afford to not be paid unfortunately. My work have offered Parental/Carers Leave but as it's unpaid I can't take it.

UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 19:28:37

Therealloislane We're privately renting

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 17-Sep-16 19:29:26

How absolutely dreadful for you flowers

UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 19:29:34

Therealloislane We're privately renting

Therealloislane Sat 17-Sep-16 19:31:05

Ah right, no chance of a break then.

Have either of you critical illness insurance?

disneyprincesswannabe Sat 17-Sep-16 19:31:16

If you are renting you will be entitled to housing benefit to help with your rent and council tax if you are both on ssp. We are in a country with a fantastic welfare state that is there for when people desperately need it and by the sounds of it, you guys do! Don't let your pride stand in the way of your sanity flowers

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:32:31

Maybe a local babysitter?

augbd Sat 17-Sep-16 19:34:22

OP you do not need a slating you need a hug. What a shit situation. It won't be forever, stuff often just happens all together in life.

Have you friends or other family you can ask for help? Have you told anyone just how stressful it all is?

flowerscakewine for you

UnabletoCopewithEverything Sat 17-Sep-16 19:35:17

Disney Not sure if my LL would take HB as the flat was advertised as No Benefits. Would have to speak to the agency. I can't deal with a house move on top of everything else.

Klchi Sat 17-Sep-16 19:36:16

You don't need slating!!! You need some positive vibes and help! I know you don't know me from Adam, but I saw pp post and saw you were in the Midlands (as am I) I'm off work ATM (6month old) (fairly easy baby wink) if your near I would lend a hand with anything you need! In all honesty if be wanting to bigger off for a while until everything's settled! You must be exhausted!! sadflowers

notapizzaeater Sat 17-Sep-16 19:40:20

Have you put your figures into entitled too, if DH is going to be on SSP for s while you might be able to claim more WTC or some other benefits

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