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Less than a week in and ds1 (6) already in head teachers office

(26 Posts)
Fansas Thu 15-Sep-16 16:28:33

Just feel so sad for him, and struggling to help him help himself. He really struggles to listen, struggles to manage his emotions and often ends up lashing out, either at anyone or anything around him. He spirals so quickly and his emotions are all over the place. Of course his behaviour is not acceptable, especially if others get hurt but just don't know where to turn anymore. At home we manage him well, but he needs a lot of reassurance and guidance in making the 'right' decision. He can normally remain kind, calm and collected. As soon as in a big group he either withdraws completely or goes extremely boisterous and aggressive in play. I can't decide whether we are just awful parents, it's part of his personality (maybe slower to mature) or something else. We go round and round in trying to get support, people always agree he has social communication issues but not severe enough to access help, so round and round we go again. School want me to go in tomorrow, but i fear conversation will be the same as ever. Just worried and feel like I'm letting him down.

VikingLady Thu 15-Sep-16 16:31:41

Try and get them to refer to cahms. They can see what is going on, see whether there's anything the school/you could do differently, maybe help find out what is behind it all.

If you're aware of the problem and manage it at home, then you're an excellent mum. Please don't beat yourself up about it!

MarklahMarklah Thu 15-Sep-16 16:34:15

Sounds as though he does have some needs which require addressing. I wonder if the school can possibly help in getting support if it's something you've tried (and not succeeded with) as a solo effort?

kawolski Thu 15-Sep-16 16:35:16

As soon as in a big group he either withdraws completely or goes extremely boisterous and aggressive in play.

This sounds exactly like my DS. He is currently undergoing assessment for asd. I'm not saying that's what your son has at all. My son has a lot of other traits as well as these.
Have the school made any suggestions?

Foxyloxy1plus1 Thu 15-Sep-16 16:36:51

I think it's time for you to see his teacher and ask if the SENCo can become involved. He may need to start on the road to additional help and support in school.

Fansas Thu 15-Sep-16 16:41:14

Asd has been mentioned more than once. Thing is I'm a professional in childrens services, not sen of any kind though, but it does mean I know how stretched srrvices are in our area. Ds wouldn't have a hope of getting camhs support and extremely reluctant to look at asd before 6 (he's just coming up to 6).HE has a new teacher this year who seems much more proactive so hoping meeting is about how to support.

CodyKing Thu 15-Sep-16 16:42:06

You can suggest ways to help him in the class - what do you do at home that helps?

Can you follow the same structure at home that if he hits he's given the same timeout

JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam Thu 15-Sep-16 16:44:27

We had this with DS1. School referred to hospital as camhs had refused to see him twice. 6 weeks later we had an adhd diagnosis from his consultant and he was referred for an ADOS ASD assessment that was carried out 2 months later.

CAMHS aren't the only option. It's a bloody horrible situation though flowers

t4nut Thu 15-Sep-16 16:44:38

If he has ASD you want as early a diagnosis as possible. I know people are frightened of the label and hope things will just sort themselves out, but if it is you're doing neither him nor you any favours delaying.

RhodaBorrocks Thu 15-Sep-16 16:57:23

I got DS referred in to community paediatrician at 5 and he was diagnosed with ASD shortly after he turned 6. He was exactly the same as you describe your DS.

He's now 9 and with proper support in place he's doing really well. He still sometimes does stuff that lands him in with the headteacher, but overall he's just come on in leaps and bounds.

JudyCoolibar Thu 15-Sep-16 16:58:46

If he's lashing out at school and getting into trouble, clearly his social communication difficulties are severe enough to require help. The school has a duty to identify and meet learning difficulties, and this comes within that category.

I suggest you use this meeting to say you really feel the time has come to look seriously at more support in school - in fact it would be sensible to ask the SENCO to attend. The onus really needs to be on them to identify his needs and meet them, and if they can't, then they urgently need to call in professional advice, probably from an Ed Psych. And no matter how services in your area are stretched, please don't let them use that to let themselves off the hook: get onto that waiting list for CAMHS immediately, and ask your GP to refer DS to a paediatrician.

Daisygarden Thu 15-Sep-16 17:03:42

Even if services are stretched, that's not to say your DS doesn't deserve/need those services and can't go on the waiting list for them. If he's disruptive in class without the proper support system in place, that affects his performance and education but also that of his classmates.

PikachuBoo Thu 15-Sep-16 17:12:13

Sorry about this. Ask the school to start making a record of his atypical behaviour with a view to going through ADOS.

Can you afford a private ed psych? c£500 and can speed things up a lot.

youarenotkiddingme Thu 15-Sep-16 17:13:25

Say to them what you've said here.

You know his behaviour is unacceptable, you know he struggles to concentrate and socialise. You are working it at home with him doing X,y and z and would love to work with the school to help improve things for him. Then ask them what they suggest they do.
Perhaps mention getting in the ed pysch to have a look at things.

flowers I know it's rough. My DS has ASD and my life is spent with "DS did X today"

monkeywithacowface Thu 15-Sep-16 17:15:17

I think if ASD has been flagged up you should follow up on that. If he does have it there is no benefit to waiting. It would be much better for him if everyone working with him understood the reasons behind his behaviour and put appropriate support in place. It's very unfair on him if school aren't supporting him appropriately because they don't understand the cause of his behaviours

Fansas Thu 15-Sep-16 17:22:27

We did try to follow the ASD route previously and a local advisor was brought in to assess another child, she met with DS and after what I think was about 10mins dismissed him as having ASD. I see ASD traits, and our mechanisms at home to support him have been based on managing ASD behaviour. We have since moved schools, about 5 mths ago now for a rnage of reasons but the lack of support being one of them. We felt they dealt with DS as a badly behaved child, rather than trying to work with us to explore his behaviour. We have had on and off conversations with new school, but now have anew head teacher and new class eacher who both seem much more receptive. Its difficult though when it was so blankly dismissed by previous school and we were made to feel like over paranoid parents making excuses for our child, And honestly thats not what I'm doing, I recognise the issues, I don't want to make excuses for them but I do want to help my son learn to manage and feel happier. He is so devastated if he finishes on the lower bands on the rainbow (the behaviour system) but inevitably he does every day, and every day he'll be in tears about being naughty and not knowing why.

Fansas Thu 15-Sep-16 17:23:30

**Sorry I meant dismissed him having ASD - said he had mild traits but that was all and that's common in all young boys

randomer Thu 15-Sep-16 17:32:12

sorry not wishing to be rude in any way but does the lovely boy get enough sleep and a balanced diet?

randomer Thu 15-Sep-16 17:34:21

bloody hell what has the world come to? The rainbow system!!!

cheminotte Thu 15-Sep-16 17:34:25

It does sound like you need a proper assessment. Ds2 has similar behaviour and school had an educational psychology assessment done in the Jan after he started school. I had meetings with the headteacher who told me he'd had letters of complaint about him and if his behaviour continued he was at risk of exclusion. He was 4.
Please don't let your inside knowledge of how stretched the system is put you off.
I would also suggest you get this moved to SN chat where you will find lots of support.

ReggieJones Thu 15-Sep-16 17:35:02

10 minutes is not long enough for a professional to work out whether or not your DS has ASD, push for a proper assessment and certainly get the SENCO involved. Both The National Autistic Society and Ambitious about Autism have websites with advice about the assessment/diagnosis process, may be useful to look at even if your son doesn't end up have ASD so you know what you're going into iyswim. Six certainly isn't too soon to have a diagnosis the earlier the better really. Dyspraxia and ADHD/ADD might be other things you'd want to rule out. Also absolutely share with the school the things you're doing at home that are working. It sounds like the HT and teacher are receptive so I'm sure they'd value strategies that could be used across both settings and the consisitency will really help your son. Its sounds like you're a brilliant mum and doing the best for your son smile

sleeponeday Thu 15-Sep-16 17:39:33

I grew up with this and my mother facing brick walls at every stage. My brother was diagnosed in his 20s, so when I knew - and I do mean knew - that my son was also autistic, despite in many ways being delightful and very bright, I took him to an NHS leading paed (on the NICE panel for ASD, so unassailable when negotiating with local clinicians who might be wary of a solely private practitioner) who has a small private practice. It was very much worth it as I was right. His autism is more obvious with every month that passes and he is now clearly ASD - at 4, a lot of kids seem a bit quirky, but I think a reasonable parent's gut instinct is a valuable thing.

Getting the help and support after that is a different story, of course, but schools really do vary and a good one makes a world of difference.

kawolski Thu 15-Sep-16 18:03:27

I can't say we have ever used cahms. Our son was refereed by his senco. He has been seen for three hours so far as well as special teachers coming into the classroom to observe.

Could you ask for a meeting with your ds's teacher and senco? You could use it as an opportunity to share what works for your ds at home? If you wish you could ask the senco to make a referral? If the senco refuses I believe you can self refer.

I feel for you. It's awful knowing you have a lovely child but many people will just dismiss them as poorly behaved. Where as if they listened to you and gave them half a chance they could see what you see.

Fansas Thu 15-Sep-16 18:15:02

Thanks all, we are meeting with teacher and senco tomorrow - so thats a good start.
to the pp about diet and sleep, yes we are really very careful with both. He has a really good routine for sleep and eats a very balanced diet. We have cut out all refined sugars and processed food from the whole families diet and noticed this has helped him to some extent.
He is the most wonderful, affectionate, funny, intelligent, articulate, creative and beautiful little boy, exactly as a pp said - I just don't think others get to see that all the time.
Thank you all for advice and support

randomer Thu 15-Sep-16 20:21:13

if the lovely boy is only 6 and has moved school....could he need a bit of settling in time? How was your summer?

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