WIBU to take dc out of preschool less than 2.5 weeks in?

(50 Posts)
Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 13:21:32

I probably am being unreasonable, precious last born and need some talking too! DC started Montessori last monday in a lovely school about 5 minutes walk away. DC will be 3 in two months and is the youngest of 4 children and the only boy. He is very happy smiley chatty child (happy even as a baby) and never really causes trouble other than the usual toddler variety. He has built in playmates with his siblings and thinks he is a lot older than he is. He has no interest in children his own age other than to call them babies and gets right in the middle of the big kids which can cause problems when they want to play without ds. When the older ones were going back to school he really wanted to go too.

I admit I wasn't anywhere near ready to send him to preschool and drove everyone mad debating whether to do it or not. My mum told me I was holding him back and mollycoddling him so mammy guilt kicked in so off he went while I was still anxious. He ran straight in, charmed everyone and decided he loved school the first day. We were leading him in gently with a few hours 3 mornings a week. I know its totally normal for a child to rebel and decide they dont want to go so we were prepared for it. He's gone from my happy boy to liking school to telling me constantly that hes not going to school again in his limited speech. Yesterday he was taken off me screaming crying and trying to run back to "his house". When I picked him up his teacher told me she got cross with him as he wanted a childs toy and when he cried and was stubborn in getting his own way she got cross with him. This was told to me at the door of the school in front of my dc. I was told that we needed to work on his stubborness at home and stop giving into him as he needs to "comply" when in school.She did then make comment to him about her being cross with him and I did say to him something like he needed to share with the other kids and not take the toys, to which she replied "oh no, he isn't sharing the toy, he might have a turn with it in a few days"confused She said he enjoyed learning his "letters" and otherwise enjoyed the day. I was taken aback, not just with a 2 year old learning letters but also that I need to work on him at home. He is quite independent and stubborn but in no way does he get his own way! He may try too, and may try to push his older siblings around but if there is an argument over a toy say we either remove him from the situation to diffuse or we distract him with something else. He's not even 3 year, reasoning doesn't really work. He has gone from my happy chatty child to one who wont speak and is clingy which he never was before.

I am very aware that I was anxious about starting him which stem from having 2 miscarriages this year. But I feel uncomfortable to how the toy situation was resolved, how it was brought up in front of my child and also that he is very unhappy. I do feel that I sent him initially for his benefit and not mine but by keeping him somewhere he is unhappy where they are expecting too much of him at a young age would be unfair to him. I had spoken to the owner about a previous preschool we took our daughter out of because she was very unsettled and making herself ill holding on to her urine but being made sit on the loo for 30 minutes until I came and got her. Part of the reasons were I felt they were expecting to much and they were constantly telling tales at the door like she couldn't put on her glove or she got up from the table to dispose of her rubbish at lunch when we hadn't asked her to tidy up. All this said in front of my child upsetting her and the new school owner swore they weren't like that at all. Is it all in my head? I feel like trying him for another few days but after that trying elsewhere. He's been very much unlike himself though and I hate to think that someone is being cross with him when he is still young and only settling in and they aren't seeing how he changed from the child who ran in the first 2 weeks and told me he loved school to the child this week who is withdrawn and upset, which just happens to coincide with the preschool doing "lessons" when maybe he would be better in a more play orientated playschool rather than Montessori.

Sorry about my huge post, I tried to condense it but it just came waffling out. Prepared for flaming

Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 13:22:10

Holy crap, if anyone manages to read all that they need a gold star!sorry

PumpkinPie9 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:33:44

I agree that it's a bit odd to plan to withold the toy for a few days as punishment. It's too long winded a punishment. Other than that though it will probably be good for him to get used to fitting in with kids his age before he starts school. Unless you feel that the staff are not kind in other ways, in which case look elsewhere.

PumpkinPie9 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:34:47

Withhold? That looks wrong too. confused

PumpkinPie9 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:36:44

You sound like a lovely mum by the way and he sounds like a character.

Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 13:37:13

He wont go to school for another 2 years. School seem nice, but maybe expect too much too soon?

SEsofty Thu 15-Sep-16 13:37:13

There is a big difference I've found between preschool- the year before school , so age 3/4 and nursery age2/3- and what is expected of the children.

I fully expect my 3 nearly 4 year old to be learning letters etc and have a more school environment.

Some preschool s which only used to take 3/4 year olds seem to have started taking more 2/3 year olds ( partly due to increased 2 year funding for some groups of people).

Sounds like this is a more traditional preschool so in your situation I would either wait a year and send him next September.

If you want to you could try and find a more nursery focused setting or even a child minder for a couple of mornings a week. Or just do some clubs where he has to be independent eg Playball, little kickers etc.

But if it is not a need for childcare for work why keep going with something which makes both of you unhappy

Poocatcherchampion Thu 15-Sep-16 13:38:14

How is your older child/children getting on at school?

I read it

My first thought is, yes you are too quick to pull him out. Why did you pull your other DC out?

5minutestobed Thu 15-Sep-16 13:39:22

I think he will benefit from nursery but maybe not that one. It doesn't sound very Montessori tbh, I thought they were quite gentle?
Can you look at other nurseries to see if somewhere else would be a better fit?

toastymarshmallow Thu 15-Sep-16 13:40:48

Personally I think that starting pre-school in the year they turn 4 is plenty old enough and anything younger is not worth pushing unless they are ready and willing.

I think you should follow your instincts on this and if you want to pull him out then do it.

Katastrophe13 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:40:59

I don't think your 2yo will correlate him not sharing a toy with him not being allowed it for a few days. I think he is too young to connect his actions to the consequences. it doesn't sound like a particularly nurturing environment. Could you look around for somewhere else?

KondosSecretJunkRoom Thu 15-Sep-16 13:41:59

I don't think you should feel brow-beaten into starting him at a childcare setting. I can't imagine that he is learning much from the children at a childcare setting that he doesn't from interacting with siblings.

If you would prefer him to be at home, do that.

Sirzy Thu 15-Sep-16 13:43:03

From what you have said he will probably benefit from a few sessions at nursery a eeek. Are there alternatives locally?

I wouldn't rush to make decisions so soon though, maybe wait until October half term and then see how things are?

rockyroad3 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:52:01

I found Montessori to be a fairly strict, rigid environment where conformity was held high. They also push (and expect) literacy at a much younger age than the NC. I would look for somewhere more mainstream, where freeplay is the main component at this stage.

Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 13:53:35

Thanks for the replies. My other kids love school. They went to a lovely playschool which very much focused on play with a few group activities and very much molded the activities to the kids preferences. My oldest loved jellybath stuff so that was included nearly weekly, middle loved messy play so there were lots of sensory boxes and volcanos/icebergs made. Never once had an issue with them not wanting to go in or being called in for problems. They didn't have room for ds until the new year and I felt worried that I was holding him back with my own anxiety of not being ready to send him to preschool.

My oldest was taken out of a monti that I felt wasn't great. It was in a small 2 story house used only for the Montessori and a creche with the kids divided up into bedrooms, sitting room etc. She was just gone 3 and every day I went to pick her up there was a list of things she had done "wrong" (normal kids stuff that should be dealt with by the school) she went on the big slide not the small one, she took a toy off the shelf without permission and when teacher shouted at her and gave her a fright she dropped it, she couldn't take the top off her yoghurt, she would hold on to her wee and was made sit on the loo hysterically crying until I came get her. She hated it and both myself and my mam did too. She went into the playschool mentioned and thrived.

DS wont be eligible for the free preschool place until January. The one he is going to was originally 8-10 kids and is now 44 kids. Many are not eligible for the free 2 years yet but to get them a place for when they are eligible (like my son in january) there are many younger kids who are there now to keep their place for the future. He has 2 years until he goes to school. My other children only had 1 year full time and maybe a few months with 2/3 days a week in playschool.

I dont want him miserable in a place that just doesn't suit him, but I dont want to put my anxiety on him iykwim?

Sirzy Thu 15-Sep-16 13:56:14

Do you have a place for him at the one you like in the new year? If so I would have no qualms about taking him out for a few months and starting again at a setting you love

Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 13:57:21

He is very social, plays with other kids well and rarely have I seen him fight with other kids (not his siblings) for toys. He has 4 cousins his own age but he is happier with older kids as the play "with" him and he gets frustrated the younger ones don't know how. He was in the middle of 14 eight year old girls at the weekend at a party and was getting his facepaint and nails done with them chatting away. No need for childcare as I am a sahm but after being told im holding him back I felt I should at least try him with preschool.

I think it could be the Montessori part thats not agreeing with us. It seems very rigid already.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Thu 15-Sep-16 13:59:29

but after being told im holding him back I felt I should at least try him with preschool

Do you think it would be holding him back?
Back from what, exactly?

gillybeanz Thu 15-Sep-16 14:01:56

You are definitely not holding him back. None of ours went to nursery or pre school we didn't need the childcare.
They were all miles a head starting school, you could definitely tell who'd been to pre school and who had been at home with a parent, even with SN and learning difficulties.
Make sure they have plenty of play dates though and learn to mix with children of all ages, not just their own age and socially they'll be streets ahead too. grin

Hastalapasta Thu 15-Sep-16 14:05:34

Go with your instinct OP. I have 2 that went to Montessori, DD thrived, DS not so much. I took him out and sent him to a play based preschool, he loved it.

Magstermay Thu 15-Sep-16 14:06:22

My DS is pretty much the same age as yours and sounds very similar. He goes to a preschool that is play focussed and we both like it. I purposely wouldn't send him to another local one that is more structured as it just wouldn't suit him. Personally I'd take him out, no point you both being miserable about it. flowers

Vandree Thu 15-Sep-16 14:07:43

Kondos, my mam is very "precious firstborn grandson" and she thinks I "namby pamby" angry him. He is very independent and used to having hands on playmates with his siblings so he is a bit lost when they are in school. She thinks he is very advanced and acts a lot older than he is and because he has show zero signs of toilet training, only just moved out of his cot, and isn't in school yet I am holding him back and keeping him firmly in my apron strings. Since january she has been saying he needs to go to school, the day he started she cried saying I started him too soon.

There is also the worry that im going to make him gay with all the female influence and mixing with other boys with help prevent that confused. Funny that all roads lead back to my mother hmmm

PumpkinPie9 Thu 15-Sep-16 14:11:02

Yes take him out and put him in the lovely preschool in the new year. I misread your post originally and thought he was already 3 and in the last year before school.

SatsukiKusakabe Thu 15-Sep-16 14:11:10

Take him out. Your heart's not in it, he's not enjoying it, what's the point?

I sent my ds at 3.5 and he loved it at first but became a bit lonely and frustrated after a while. He struggled starting school after even though he had been a confident child. It caused us a lot of worry and stress, and I found it hard to see what benefit there was to it when it didn't really prepare him for school particularly well. I needed the break at the time as I had a newborn and we were in a new area so seemed the best way of making friends. Now he's at school thing and I don't need the childcare for my second I don't think I want to send her, even though it is the done thing and everyone keeps asking me when she's going. She is same age as your ds at the moment and I'm thinking I will consider it next September in the year she turns four, but not sooner. Her speech isn't great and it is a stress we don't need.

GabbySolis Thu 15-Sep-16 14:11:32

I think people are too quick to say that children miss out by not going to nursery just because it is now seen as the norm. I am a SAHM and won't be sending my kids until the year before school and only part time then. You can do so much with your children at home. Don't feel prrssured by other people to do something that you feel isn't right for you and your little boy. I hope it works out for you x

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