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To really want a baby? (Talk me out of it!)

(47 Posts)
LemonySmithit Thu 15-Sep-16 07:27:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dazedandconfusedtoomuchpeppa Thu 15-Sep-16 07:32:34

I would say don't do it until you have a permanent job and entitled to maternity pay. A baby will make PGCE much harder and you are still young enough to wait a few year to TTC.

MsVestibule Thu 15-Sep-16 07:32:55

If you were both settled into your careers, I'd say go for it, but given your circumstances, I do think it would be better to wait a couple of years - you'll still be very young then!

When do you think you'll have qualified as a teacher? Does your husband want to work in retail in the long term?

DollyBarton Thu 15-Sep-16 07:33:31

You will be young for another 10 years. My 20's were so so so important in terms of travel, living abroad, wild and unusual experiences, fun, freedom, career, finances. I personally would not trade those critical years for anything and they wouldn't have been possible with a baby.

nightandthelight Thu 15-Sep-16 07:34:21

I would wait smile I know how you feel but having a baby is hard (amazing too but sleep deprivation etc is really tough) and I think you would struggle to balance study and a baby. People do do it of course but I personally wouldn't choose that route.

You are young and have plenty of time to have a baby while still young. Will you be the first in your friendship group to have a baby? I have found that quite hard as no-one understands and invite you to a load of stuff you can't do so you feel quite left out.

I am 27 and have a 7mo and for me that was the right age. Still young with plenty of energy (less so now I am 7mo in grin) but both DH established in our jobs with a good income which means I have been able to take 9mo maternity and will go back pt.

If I were you I would take a couple of years to get your careers established and most importantly enjoy being young newly weds. Go out on loads of dates, adult only holidays etc smile

NerrSnerr Thu 15-Sep-16 07:34:45

I would wait until you've done your PGCE and you get decent maternity package. I can imagine doing teacher training and the newly qualified year will be really hard with a baby with all the extra work.

DollyBarton Thu 15-Sep-16 07:35:11

Just to add I'm now in my 30's and have stability, a beautiful home near lots of family, a strong relationship with DH and had 3 babies in 3 years.

LouBlue1507 Thu 15-Sep-16 07:35:12

Don't do it. My partner has just done his PGCE whilst I was pregnant and that was hard enough for him, it's been the hardest year of our lives so far! The work load is so intense!
What if you get really bad morning sickness? I did, I missed 3/4 months of uni because of it. That can't be the case with PGCE as you have to complete a certain amount of school hours! Not to mention all the other symptoms of pregnancy that make everyday tasks difficult.
The stress involved puts a huge strain on your relationship and the lack of money will do that too. Then after the PGCE you've got to compete your NQT year which is even more difficult! Imagine that with a tiny baby? My partner leaves for school at 6:45 and he's rarely home before 6! When he gets home he's on his laptop all night planning for the next day or doing odd jobs! He's got so much on his plate that I barely see him and he barely sees our little girl atm sad
If I was you, I'd pick one or the other. Have a baby now and do PGCE when she's older (school age) or do the PGCE now and have a baby later after your NQT year!

kierenthecommunity Thu 15-Sep-16 07:40:45

My cousin and his wife had children very young (I think they were about 18 when they had their first) and are now having their travel and wild adventures in their late 40s. I'm very envious!

A friend of mine did her PGCE in her mid 30s

Having a baby now wouldn't necessarily mean you don't get the other stuff too

Gwenci Thu 15-Sep-16 07:42:11

Quite honestly, I'm not sure you could do the PGCE with a newborn.

It's the most full-on, time consuming, stressful thing I've done. I poured my heart and soul in to that year (and my NQT year which was only marginally easier). I honestly have no idea how you would balance the two. And how would you pay for childcare, bearing in mind that you'll be paying thousands to do the PGCE and your DH presumably wouldn't be earning a huge amount in retail?

I think something would have to wait so I suppose it's a choice between waiting to have a baby, or waiting to do teacher training.

porridge90 Thu 15-Sep-16 07:48:08

I had my daughter when I was 23 and I do feel a bit like I have missed out. I love her to pieces don't get me wrong but it is hard when you can't join in on anything your friends are doing. My husband and I never get time alone to go on holiday or do normal things people under 25 do!

In your situation I would wait, but that is with hindsight. I felt like you and decided to have my baby.

tighterthanscrooge Thu 15-Sep-16 07:48:19

Please wait, I have two young DDs (20 months/3months) and I'm starting a nursing degree next year. We have had to make massive financial sacrifices for me to be able to start my training and trying to juggle childcare is going to be a nightmare even though we've got a childminder in place as I'll be doing shifts on placement and DH works shifts.
I certainly don't regret my DDs for a second but studying with a baby is very difficult
Just for reference I'm 25 DH is 28 you still have years to have children

Katastrophe13 Thu 15-Sep-16 07:48:25

Having a baby/toddler/child is SO hard emotionally, physically, financially. The cost of childcare really can't be overstated and I cannot imagine how hard it would be if finances are tight and me/DH have a decent income. Would you want to have more children close in age? If so, you are comittting yourself to that in the next few years which will be further disruption. Even if your pregnancy is fine and you don't need to take lots of time off for that, small children are sick a lot. I have had to take so much time off since having kids for their illnesses! Plus you really cannot imagine the effects of severe sleep deprivation until you have experienced it. It is not the same as feeling tired. You are so young. I think you would be crazy to give up this part of your life because babies really do restrict your life big time. And you have to look after them every day and every night for at least 16 years. There's no going back!

BertieBotts Thu 15-Sep-16 07:50:14

Don't! I had a baby when I was 20 and have wished ever since (once I got out of the newborn haze) that I could freeze him until I was a bit older.

Concentrate on other goals you want to get in place and see that as preparing for a family - so you can feel like you're doing something towards it.

0hCrepe Thu 15-Sep-16 07:57:16

I was 27, so older, but doing a pgce when dh and I decided to try for a baby in the January, so half way through the course. I didn't conceive until 9 months later until I had finished the course and started a job. Looking back I feel very lucky indeed that it took that long and gave me chance to work in job for a year before getting mat leave. I would definitely get your pgce out the way and get a job before ttc it will make a big difference and time is definitely on your side. You'll get you child fix on the pgce/job and can look forward to having your own!

NicknameUsed Thu 15-Sep-16 07:58:47

What's the rush? You are only 21. I had DD at 41 (OK, not through choice). We were financially stable, had completed all our studies, had good careers under our belts, had done all the things we had wanted to do.

Honeyandfizz Thu 15-Sep-16 08:03:04

Another saying wait. I don't think until you've had a child you can properly appreciate just how all consuming it can be. Why make life harder when you can just wait a few years and really enjoy the experience?

Blackfellpony Thu 15-Sep-16 08:04:20

I remember DH pgce year being horrendous as was his NQT year.
He works from 6am until 6pm most days even now!

Mat leave is a struggle, I only get SMP which is about £600 a month including child benefit, could you live on that?

OhhBetty Thu 15-Sep-16 08:04:53

I had my son at 25 which I still felt at the time was a little young! But 21 is no age, you're still finding yourself and either of you may want to travel more or your dp may want to train in something else which is a lot harder with a child!

lastqueenofscotland Thu 15-Sep-16 08:07:11

Honestly wait!
It will be so hard to do a PHCE with a newborn
Do you have any savings
What happens if DH can't just find a job like that.

I'm in my late mid twenties and still don't feel the rush.

BaggyCheeks Thu 15-Sep-16 08:07:19

As someone who got pregnant with DC1 at 22, and had to delay doing a PGCE because of it - Please wait and do what you want to do with teaching first. I've now been delaying my application for 4 years because it feels like fitting the course and NQT year in around my young family will be impossible.

You have fresh teaching experience to apply with, go for it while you have it!

Nakupenda Thu 15-Sep-16 08:08:01

I had my DD at 21.

Don't do it, seriously don't do it.

You'll come to realise kids are crap & you'll be wishing you waited just another couple of years before bogging yourself down for 18 years.

You can't give babies back, or get a refund. I've tried.

kookiekookie Thu 15-Sep-16 08:09:43

I spent my twenties travelling, going out and doing my teacher training. I had my first child at 29 which might be too long to wait for you. I had my second at 31 and I was able to have a year's maternity leave with both and I now only work 2 days a week. I would wait until you're more established. What if you have a baby now, can only have a month off and have to go back full time? I'm thinking that doesn't appeal?

Catsize Thu 15-Sep-16 08:09:53

I had my first at 35. My OH was 48. I was building career, travelling and not in the right relationships before then. However, I think it is great to have kids younger - not only are you more likely to see them get older (and maybe have children) than if you have children when you are older, but you will probably have more money for travelling when they have left home and you are still quite young to enjoy the adventures.

tinyterrors Thu 15-Sep-16 08:10:37

I've nearly finished my degree that I started when I had young children and was pregnant (youngest wasn't planned) and it was really hard. I almost deferred quite a few times and I didn't have any placements to do.

I know it's hard when you're broody but you'd be much better getting your PGCE done and have two years in a job and them planning a baby. You'll still be young but you'll have the studying finished and have the advantages of a career, maternity pay and a job to go back to.

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