AIBU Asking DH to be careful?(75 Posts)
We live in a small village, and there is a woman in her 30's whom I would class as vulnerable. She's slightly, forgive the term, simple, and she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area. She is a lovely lady, fun to chat too, loves her dogs and is well known in the village. She dresses slightly, well trousers too short, mans boots and oversize t shirts and is always slightly grubby as is her home. I am only describing this so you get a background.
Recently my DH has been seeing her more and more often when he's been walking our dog and she's been chatting more and more to him. Confiding her family problems etc and becoming more and more reliant on DH to help her out with things, walking dog when she can't, problem with elderly next door neighbour to her for instance and now has his mobile number.
She has rung him quite a few times with problems over the last few weeks and now she has got a health issue and has called the ambulance a few times. Each time this happens she calls DH. Now she has been taken into hospital and again DH was the first person she called.
DH now feels he has to go to A&E and wait with her because 'she has no one else'. I know he thinks he's just being a Good Samaritan helping a neighbour and friend out.
I on the other hand think that she isn't used to having a man take any kind of interest in her (from what she's told DH) and is in some way smitten with DH and whilst I think it's very good of him to want to go the hospital, going will only underline what I think she's already thinking. Whilst DH is no oil painting he's not a bad looking bloke and I think he's going to have a real problem on his hands before long.
He thinks I am being too harsh on the girl, but I like her, and I admire her strength to stand strong when she's had so many problems (again from what DH has told me) and I don't want her to get hurt. DH is as honest as the day is long and wouldn't get a hint if you thumped him with it. I am only telling him to not be so attentive, not go to the hospital, to text maybe to see how she is and not maybe set them both up for a situation that could go horribly wrong.
Am I being daft? AIBU? I'm in a muddle
Why don't you go along and see how she is? Sounds like she's a nice person so why not give her a second friend instead of just your husband?
Your DH sounds lovely and is being a good friend. I don't think he needs to be careful, what could happen?
I agree with you, he's leading her on whether he realises it or not. For someone that vulnerable and lonely, that can lead to serious boundary issues because she's finally getting the attention from a man she's probably never been given. Not to mention how it's going to affect your relationship when he's constantly attending to her 'issues', that would annoy me tbh.
You could go to a&e instead of DH, say he couldn't for xyz reason. One to give him a break but 2 to help ease her attachment to one person?
Yes agree with you op. Very blurred boundaries going on there for her. He should pull back and stick to texting for a while.
This did happen to DP with a neighbour with dementia, he could only help her we me present in the end as her truth was never the real truth and DP was worried what she told people. Even I didn't particularly liked being alone because of the stories she told about other neighbours. It was hard as we knew her before but the risks where huge as she was so vulnerable.
Well the more cynical part of me wonders if your bloke knows exactly what he's doing and taking advantage of a vulnerable woman.
But yes he's leading her on whether he intends to or not. Tell him you'll go in his place and observe his reaction.
I won't forgive the term simple. It's very unkind. You sound really patronising towards her too which isn't pleasant. I'm assuming he is an adult so I'm sure he can manage things if she does develop feelings for him. Maybe, who knows, she's a lovely lady who happens with have few real friends and she's found one in your husband.
I agree with User(insert numbers)
I thought your worry was going to be that she's becoming too reliant on him and that it's not fair on either of them.
But your worry seems to be that she fancies him, is that correct?
I too think you should try to befriend her, so she can have two friends instead of one.
I think you should try to befriend her too, so that she is quite clear that your DH is married to you. Also that you should answer the phone next time she calls and explain he's busy or whatever. I think it's possible she has a crush on him and isn't good with boundaries, so that might help to make things a bit clearer.
gamer, I'm pretty cynical, but I think that's a bit of a stretch
You could both go.
If she does fancy him & he turns up whenever she asks then she might read too much into it.
I agree with others, go yourself. It will help break her reliance on him, will allow you to get to know her better and will show her that she has more than one friend.
Take over his friendship with the lady...he introduces you to her,then he takes a step back...and the lonely lady has a friend.simples
she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area
Definitely go in with him, her reaction will probably tell you if your fear has any truth in it or not.
Your DH is an adult. He sounds like a caring person. I think it's a sad cynical world when people look for the negatives in this situation.
No wonder there are so many lonely vulnerable people if others worry what could go wrong if they help them.
As others have said, help out too and that way the woman will see you as a couple and perhaps that will allow her to see your DH is not 'available' It's a pity there are not more people like your DH.
The concern of her fancying him is not as important as the concern that she may believe she is already in a relationship with your DH. He sounds lovely can you help him to help her?
Is there a reason you cannot go to the hospital either with DH or ideally without?
I cannot understand why your DH wouldn't realise she is getting a bit too attached? From the outside it does look like he might be leading her on deliberately and that is probably what other people are going to think too.
If you like the lady why can't both you and DH befriend her? Why can't you both spend time with her? Can you not introduce her to some of your friends? Or go out to some clubs/groups with her so she can find a wider friendship group?
It's nice that your DH wants to be kind but really I think it either needs to be both of you or neither.
Who did she previously ask for help when she needed it?
"she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area"
Also wondering what this means!
I understand this. It happened to my dad a long time ago. He is the sort of man who is lovely to everyone and can't see the obvious staring him in the face.
He was a teacher and a pupils father died, he was very kind and sympathetic to the mother as anyone would be but she latched on to my dad and saw something that wasn't there. I'm not sure what that something was but she became dependant on him and would phone at any time on the house phone (he was a private tutor also and taught the son privately hence her having the number) and ask his opinion on anything and everything. Ultimately my mum became uncomfortable with this woman's continual contact and my dad realised that she had an unhealthy reliance on him. In the end he cut back and took less and less calls until she got over her reliance on him and stopped all together.
It's a very hard situation, it sounds like this lady may have some SN - and sometimes in that scenario things are seen differently by that person as to how you or I may see it so I think he and you need to tread carefully. I agree with pps advising you go along instead/also.
I do think you'll probably need to be very kind but also reasonably firm in this scenario. Best of luck!!
I can see exactly what you are saying op and I think you are actually being very calm and sensible. You are trying to protect a vulnerable woman who apparently has some form of mental disability as well as your DH from any alleged impropriety.
On the basis that she probably only sees your DH as a friend and confidante I suggest you both go to the hospital and support her. Show her you both care. It will also help you see her interaction with your DH
You go to the hospital and also when she calls, you answer your DH's phone, say he's busy but you'll help with whatever it is she needs doing.
That way, it puts the boundaries in a very clear place for her.
Poor soul, she does sound very vulnerable
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