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To think she's using me?

(20 Posts)
RandomMcRandomface Wed 14-Sep-16 09:43:57

I've NC as I know someone in RL that uses MN that would identify, but am a regular. I honestly want other opinion on this one as am not sure if I am over-thinking the situation or not.

I have a colleague, let's call him David. David and I work very closely together and have a good, friendly colleague relationship - we work well together, often have interesting conversations and a laugh etc, but it is always confined to work i.e we're not friends outside of work at all. (Due to DCs I don't do much socialising with workmates at all)

Until recently, David was in a relationship with another colleague who works in a different location (although same city), let's call her Mandy. I have met Mandy twice, both times while she was still with David although he wasn't there at the time, and both times a number of months ago. The first time she was like "oh, so you're randomMcRandomface" and we only chatted a little bit, and the second time we had a good chat and got on fairly well but I didn't hear from her again after that (and nor did I initiate contact).

But then, she and David broke up, and from what I can gather have gone NC. I don't know why or what happened, but have a sense it was his decision although don't know that as a fact - I haven't probed as we're not that close. Since they have broken up Mandy has added me on FB, sent me messages, and invited me to a number of things like dinners etc as she'd like to catch up. She's quite assertive about it and it's left me feeling a little off about the whole thing and not really wanting to meet her at all.

AIBU to be suspicious that she just wants to use me for info about her ex? Although I feel bad for thinking that as she did strike me as very nice and someone I could be friends with, plus as I only have a good colleague relationship with David it's not like I could actually tell her anything (nor would I). Or am I just being really mean and creating drama when none exists?

SaucyJack Wed 14-Sep-16 09:47:25

Are you friends with David on FB?

I would assume she wants to maintain a social media link, and to be able to get photos of herself to appear on David's homepage.

Of course, she may actually just like you for you smile

redshoeblueshoe Wed 14-Sep-16 09:50:51

She might be using you, but as you have said you don't socialize with colleagues outside work why would you bother with her, when she's not even a colleague.

RandomMcRandomface Wed 14-Sep-16 09:52:30

I am friends with David on FB - that's a point about being visible to him, as she is a fairly active 'liker' or my stuff.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Wed 14-Sep-16 10:07:11

Gut feeling is she wants him to see her having fun and you are a fb and rl link to ensure it gets back to him.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Wed 14-Sep-16 10:08:08

I don't doubt that she does like you its win win for her. A new friend when she feels shit that also sticks two fingers up at the ex

george1020 Wed 14-Sep-16 10:11:50

I would also think it was to 'get to' David through you
But maybe she liked you when you meet but felt a bit jealous as you were close with David and feels now they are not together you can be friends without her being all green eyed monster about you?

Yorkieheaven Wed 14-Sep-16 10:17:42

I think you are overthinking and don't need to.

If you want to socialise with her then do so. If you don't then don't. FB is wonderful for keeping up with people like this and chatting but avoids the physical necessity to actually meet up.

Do what suits you not Mandy or indeed Dave.

leaveittothediva Wed 14-Sep-16 10:20:13

I'd be wary, she didn't bother adding you on Facebook when you first met, and the minute they split she's like let's meet up. Sorry, I'm a bit clinical about women like this. You could always meet for a coffee, and the minute she starts fishing about her ex, then you know. Hurt people are sometimes a bit devious. That's all I've got.

skyyequake Wed 14-Sep-16 10:28:20

Not to hate on your friend OP but maybe he cheated on her? and she knows but doesn't know who and is trying to figure out if it was you?

I think the only way you're going to know is if you reply/hang out with her... you said you thought you two could be friends so try going in with an open mind and see what exactly she wants (it'll probably become apparent quite quickly if she has an ulterior motive)

Discobabe Wed 14-Sep-16 10:34:38

Yanbu. It's rather odd she's only wanted to fb friend you and meet up since they split.

RandomMcRandomface Wed 14-Sep-16 10:35:39

Good advice!

You could always meet for a coffee, and the minute she starts fishing about her ex, then you know:

I may do this - it's got to the point now when I can't see her without being rude and maybe should at least give it a chance - a coffee is much easier than a dinner and can be in work time

Hmm interesting theories skyyequake and george. I really don't know. While I get on well with David in the work context, we really don't talk personal stuff at all

RandomMcRandomface Wed 14-Sep-16 10:37:38

Thing is as well, back in the day when I had a terrible break up, this is the sort of thing I could have seen my younger self doing as well blush

TheGruffaloMother Wed 14-Sep-16 10:38:49

As she's only added you after they split, I think it's a safe bet to say the split triggered the add.

That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like you (unless she believes her ex was cheating, possibly with you, as PP said) but her motives aren't really great are they? She wants him thinking about her in work. Possibly she wants him wondering if you've been told things he'd rather colleagues didn't know.

But, it doesn't sound like you have any loyalties in this situation. You can be her friend if you like her and don't mind her motives. But if you don't want to be, I'd delete her. You've only had a proper conversation once so nipping it in the bud before anyone gets too invested is a valid option.

sizeofalentil Wed 14-Sep-16 10:44:19

She could be lonely now she's single and actively trying to make new friends?

Ditsy4 Wed 14-Sep-16 10:48:07

Yeah I would be a bit suspicious as she added you after. She either wants to him to see what she is up to or wants to see what he is up to and whether you are involved. I would message her and meet for a coffee and go from there as advised. You'll find out whether she is genuine and liked you and wants a friend or she's fishing.

TheGruffaloMother Wed 14-Sep-16 10:50:04

Do you think so size? Because in her situation, if I just wanted to make a few new friends, my ex's colleague who I'd only met twice and chatted to properly only once wouldn't be the top of my list of who to try to connect with.

woowoowoo Wed 14-Sep-16 11:02:45

She's clearly using you to get to him.

I'd delete her and move on.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 14-Sep-16 11:07:37

I think your gut reaction is probably the right one; and I think that meeting for a coffee will confirm that for you.
I suggest that when you do meet her, you say you're really not that close with David, in fact never talk about anything other than work with him and know NOTHING about his personal life.

You can also downgrade this woman on FB from a full friend to an acquaintance, and hide your posts from acquaintances - that way she won't really have much clue what's going on but won't realise either.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 14-Sep-16 11:20:20

Maybe she didn't add you whilst she was dating David because he was possessive about 'his' work friends and colleagues? Now they've split, she feels she can add you.
Or, as PPs have said, it's to have access to David. But if you all work for the same company and they dated for a while, surely she will have other contacts and friends in common with David on facebook?

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