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To tell DH i dont want his parents here at christmas even though it's partially arranged

(74 Posts)
Nativitylobster Mon 12-Sep-16 23:09:53

I've posted on here a lot about MIL and she is just getting worse and worse. Her health is failing and i understand thats hard for her but she makes our lives difficult and now she's all set to ruin christmas and as ds1 will be 3 it's the first one he is going to really understand and be excited about so I don't want it ruined.

I'll try and keep this brief but a little background.

MIL is crap with money she spends it all on rubbish and then asks to borrow money from is even though we are barely scrapping by. It used to cause a lot of arguments between me and dh until he started saying no to her.

She was awful to dh as a child, I won't go into detail but the way she treated her kids i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I've had to teach dh some basic life skills because he was never taught as a boy. Non of her other children are in touch wothbhwr because of the way they were treated.

My gran died last month and first thing MIL asked when dh told her was how much did she leave you in her will?

MIL tries to control dh and gets in moods of he doesn't do what she thinks he should do.

There is much more than this but this is just a basic background. I really can't stand her atm. Recently she told us she couldn't come to visit at christmas because she couldn't have her medical treatment at the hospital near to us. I was secretly happy as I don't want to see her. Then the other day she let it slip that she had made that up so they could come and suprise us. They expected to stay at my parents without asking or arranging it first. My parents are civil to her for the sake of dh but they don't like her. Her behaviour is effecting mine and dhs relationship as he can't see how toxic she is and sticks up for Her and gets cross with me when I moan about her etc. I really don't want to spend christmas with her. I think she will ruin what should be a really magical Christmas. I want to tell dh i dont want her here but I feel like a heartless birch especially as she may only have a few years left. AIBU to tell pil not to come.

(I don't have a problem with FIL but he does enable her crazy behaviour.)

Nativitylobster Mon 12-Sep-16 23:10:15

Sorry that was v long

ImperialBlether Mon 12-Sep-16 23:13:32

She needs to be told that she can't stay at your parents' house - cheeky thing expecting to stay! You might have to say they've got other relatives staying with them.

As for you two - you owe her nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't have her for Christmas even if she was stuffed and shoved in an oven grin

Does she live near you? Could you say you're going away?

Inertia Mon 12-Sep-16 23:14:30

If you've made arrangements to stay with your parents then just tell your inlaws that you've made plans. It's really not the responsibility of your parents to accommodate them.

Bearfrills Mon 12-Sep-16 23:14:51

Put your foot down and say no. It's your Christmas too and you're under no obligation to play host. If you want to compromise then offer them Boxing Day or New Year.

Hidingtonothing Mon 12-Sep-16 23:21:02

Would your parents back you up if you wanted to tell PIL and DH that there's some reason they can't stay at theirs and would that make it impossible for PIL to come or would they just find somewhere else to stay?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 12-Sep-16 23:21:29

Will saying no work? Will she turn up anyway?

How far is DH away from realising he is in the FOG?

BackforGood Mon 12-Sep-16 23:22:35

Well, obviously she (they) can't stay at your parents - that's just odd to expect that, but If your dh wants to then I think he has every right to expect you to alternate between both your families each year as most of us have to. I suspect most people feel more comfortable at (or with if you are hosting) their own parents than their inlaws, but your dh has the right to spend time with his family just as you do.

Benedikte2 Mon 12-Sep-16 23:57:31

I'd tell your MIL you will see her on Boxing Day as you've already promised to spend Christmas Day with your family.
Alternatively just say no, you are having a strictly family only Christmas this year and you'll see them Boxing Day or before Christmas.
Good luck

MinonsMovie Tue 13-Sep-16 00:01:19

Have NOONE for Christmas... 3 is the best! Enjoy it with your family. You, dh and dc

maninawomansworld01 Tue 13-Sep-16 00:16:52

Unfortunately without your DH onside you are on a hiding to nothing.
He is the one you need to tackle.

Little clue, the more you 'nag' most men, the more we dig our heels in (even if we actually know you're right). When he sticks up for her do not argue, fund a different method of attack that doesn't involve direct confrontation.

maninawomansworld01 Tue 13-Sep-16 00:18:18

Definitely get your parents on board though, make them aware that she wants to stay with them so maybe they can be in the middle of redecorating the spare room or something so she can't stay.

Nativitylobster Tue 13-Sep-16 07:09:54

Thank you for your replies. Pil are assuming that they can stay with my parents because they've stayed there before and now they (MIL) think they can stay there whenever. One time we got a phone call saying they were coming up to visit the following day (they are always telling us when they are coming rather than asking when we are free, we have tried to tell them to ask but they don't listen). I was shocked my dm hadnt told me, turns out pil hasn't thought to tell my parents they were coming and expecting to stay at their house. We had to say no as my parents had plans and so did we. MIL then had a massive strop because she couldn't come.

rollonthesummer Tue 13-Sep-16 07:13:40

Have they asked your parents about Christmas? Are your parents likely to have guests?

heron98 Tue 13-Sep-16 07:16:41

I'd just put up with it, it's just one day.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 13-Sep-16 07:21:05

Christmas shouldn't be about putting up tho. Its a special time to share with special people not toxic in laws!
Do a Zammo
Just say no!

OnionKnight Tue 13-Sep-16 07:32:28

I was going to say YABU at first but you are absolutely NBU, say no.

Nativitylobster Tue 13-Sep-16 07:41:27

My parents invited us to theirs which pil know about. I don't want to have to put up with it. I'll never get this Christmas with dc again and ds1 is at the age he understands more. I realise we should spend equal time with pil but I struggle to stay calm around them and I don't want a fight with MIL.

diddl Tue 13-Sep-16 07:51:13

If you already have plans to visit with your parents then that's that, isn't it?

If MIL is in ill health perhaps you should travel to them for Boxing Day for example.

That way you can stay where you want & leave when you want.

MLGs Tue 13-Sep-16 07:54:00

I agree with pps - don't have her! Made it clear she can't stay with your parents.

Man I agree with you that the dh needs to be tackled here, as it's his lack of realisation that she toxic that is allowing this. However "little clue" is incredibly patronising. Also the dh doesn't get to choose how the op communicates with him. He's not exempt from direct communication , with the op having to find some creative way around him.

passingthrough1 Tue 13-Sep-16 07:54:34

I have a bit of a chip of my shoulder (!) about alternating Christmasses... i don't see what's wrong about wanting to have your Christmas together with your new family (and GPs fit around that).

I think it's not that normal for them to want to stay at your parents .. They definitely need to put a stop to that once and for all! Maybe they can say something because as they surely never really have to see them they can get away with being rude?

When your DH was young did they spend the day with both sets of GC together? Is that why she expects it?

Maybe next time you speak to her say you realised she hinted at Christmas last time and staying at your parents .. So you asked your parents but they hadn't heard from them so you assume their plans are off? You're not sure if it would even be possible to stay at your parents house but that's something they'd need to organise directly with them...

MLGs Tue 13-Sep-16 07:55:17

Oh and if you already have plans to stay with your parents that's it. She can't come.

passingthrough1 Tue 13-Sep-16 07:55:46

GP / grandparents I mean, not GC.

passingthrough1 Tue 13-Sep-16 08:00:53

I also think as unpleasant as it might be you might have to organise seeing them just before or just after as a way of seeing them over Christmas but also (hopefully) making clear that you don't expect them to just show up on Christmas Day. Definitely needs to be tackled ahead of time! You can't be at your parents house waiting for a knock on the door..

Oh can't you / your parents say that they also have other relatives (brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles) staying so there simply isn't room (and have should have checked first!)!

HereIAm20 Tue 13-Sep-16 08:01:50

The thing that obviously makes this much more difficult for you is that your husband is not on side so to speak. You will need to work on a plan and get him onside before you tackle mil.

Eg. would an acceptable compromise be for her to stay at a hotel nearby but join you for lunch.

Has she anyone else to see if she doesn't come to you? The most miserable Christmas I spent was when I could join my then boyfriend's family in the afternoon/evening only but not the morning etc because i wasn't family. It was very lonely.

When said bf and I married I made a point of never going over until the afternoon as "I know you have family only". Sometimes this did in fact cut off my nose to spite my face.

Try not to win the battle as such but think about what alternatives would mean to each party.

It's a difficult one.

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