AIBU to hate my job.(15 Posts)
I've been a step mum for a couple of years now and I hate it. I have 3dsc and 3dc. All 6 dc live with me and dh. Dsc see their mum every weekend, unless something comes up. Dc see their dad every other weekend.
I feel like whatever I do for my dsc, it's never good enough. Oldest dsc is perfect and is always loving, kind and grateful everything. The other 2 dsc constantly drop comments about how much better their mum is, her house is cleaner, they can do what they want there and they'd rather be there. I love all 6dc but it constantly hurts me that no matter how much I do, which is everything, their mum gets all the praise and all the credit because she'll buy them stuff on a weekend that we can afford for all the kids all week.
Also when it comes to important occasions like parents evening, Xmas and birthdays, and she's there, making a fuss like she's with them all the time. It's me who gets them up and organised for school every day, makes their lunches, helps with homework, sorts all uniforms and kits, then on parents evening I get pushed to one side while she puts on a big show for everyone. I know I sound jealous and that's what dh tells me but I'm sick of it. It's a really hard job, emotionally and physically with very little reward. One dsc is always rude and hurtful towards me but is so loving to his mum and it breaks my heart. Does anyone else feel like this?
I don't have step children but I imagine this must be very hard. Six kids would be exhausting in any circumstances. That said, can you ignore the unkind comments? Seriously you are doing the very best you can. There is no shame in having your home different to the mums home. It's your home. As long as you like it that is all that matters
@wildroses I used to date a man with a daughter, she was 2years to 5 years old when ex bf and I were together. It was a horrible, thankless task being her step mum and it eventually helped split me and my ex up (along with other things). Like you, I did all I could. Just know that it's not you, it's DSC. Their mum will always be perfect in their eyes. They may even delight in telling you so even if she's not.It's hard work. Bunch of flowers for you! Rise above the comments! Hopefully they'll grow out of it.
Not nice of your DH to tell you that you sound jealous though. He needs to have your back a bit more by the sounds of it. X
SM here. I sympathise.
It's utterly thankless.
I sympathise. I'm at the other end. My children live with me. I do everything, with none to minimal payments and contact. All I hear is how Dad (once a month) does xyz and makes real bread from scratch etc. My own children talk about how everything their dad / stepmum do is so great.
I am assured by an adult raised in a similar environment they DO eventually notice who is actually there for them every day.
Try and bear with it -my two DS were like this to my DP (we are both women) whilst their Dad was the bees knees. He had the fancy apartment, the latest gadgets, the fast cars, could take them on fancy holidays bla bla. It was me and my DW doing all the drudgery, the packed lunches, getting them to school .. just as you have described. We stuck with it, didn't rise to the bait and it's paid off.
They are late teens now, nearly adults and devoted to us and rather disinterested in their father who hasn't been here except for the fun bits. As they are maturing it's as if they are realising what side their bread is buttered and who has actually really been there for them through everything.
They've started making excuses not to see their Dad because he doesn't really engage with their life whilst we always have and it's as if they can see that now.
It's been hard and it will be for you especially with 6 children (!) but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, focusing on all the right things and have the right values.
Why are you doing everything for your husband's children? Where is he?
Thank you for all the lovely words of encouragement. My house is clean but constantly messy. I've explained that it's like that because children live in our house all week. I'd love my house to be like a show home like their other parents houses but they have no kids at theirs all week.
Sparrow, when I met dh he lived on his own with his dc and did everything for them. Since we got married and moved in together he's gradually over the years done less and less. It has all somehow fallen on me to do everything for all dc. This also frustrates me.
Monsters fortunately my dc appreciate how much I do for them so they don't make me feel bad when they spend time with their dad. They're always happy to see him but equally happy to get home. I can feel for you on that thoug when it comes to my dsc. I once said my youngest dss was my son, out in public to strangers who didn't need to know the full situation and he said in front of them, "no you're not my mum. I've got my mum and it isn't you" That hurt.
Your husband is lazy, and it's making you resent his children. Don't take your frustration out on children, direct it at the person who deserves it.
I don't know how that negative comment above is supposed to help or be in any way constructive.
I think children watch TV, films etc and its a cliche to dislike the step parent. Kids can be horrible sometimes. Like I said, rise above it. The comment your DSC to the stranger I imagine was quite embarrassing too. You sound like you're doing an amazing job, but could maybe do with your DH reinforcing this to your DSCs so they might start to appreciate you a bit more x
Mrs - the OP is complaining about how much she has to do for her stepchildren and how little they appreciate it. If her husband would step up and look after his own children it would much less of a problem for her.
Thing is I don't see the children as separate. If I'm doing something for my dc I'll do it for them all. That's how families work. I regard them.all as my family. What upsets me is how much praise and credit they give their mum for everything I do for them. And how shitty they make me feel when they don't get their own way. Their mum has no discipline procedures as she only see them 1 or 2 days a week. As far as my dh is concerned, some jobs I just do better myself. I cook from scratch every day, wash their clothes and clean up. He can do it but I enjoy it.
That's a good thing @wildroses that you treat them the same. I don't know how someone can deduce from that that it must mean your husband is lazy.
It sounds really difficult. I feel for you, but it also sounds like the dsc are really saying that they miss their mum. You sound like a brilliant stepmum and I understand it must be hurtful and thankless but if it helps try to hear the subtext of what they're saying rather than the literal. They must know it's unusual not to live with their mum and that's hard to deal with. It would be good if your dh could step up his involvement again too. You shouldn't be hearing the brunt of it all.
When I was younger, me and my brother were horrid to our step mum. Absolutely for years. There was no need to be because she was neither trying to replace our DM nor be an evil old bat. We were just young, immature and I suppose upset that our family unit had broken down.
They are still together and we now have a good relationship with her. It has taken a long time but we got there.
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