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To feel so unsettled by DH's "one that got away"?

(15 Posts)
LastnightIdreamed Mon 12-Sep-16 21:19:31

Just that, really. Does anyone else feel this too, or am I a crazy and jealous harpy? I think I might be, sorry - I'm pregnant and a bit weepy.

Despite my user name, she is actually a nice lady. She doesn't in any way flirt with him or do anything in appropriate - I just feel really unsettled by her being around at social events every so often, as they still have mutual friends. Whilst obviously I can't change anything that happened before we met, I know that she hurt him badly and that he thought that he might have married her - it makes me feel as though I may have bèen second choice and generally pretty inadequate. She is beautiful and successful and all the rest of it, but also, she will always be remembered as the partner he had while he was young and carefree. He has not watched her fish toddler poo out of the bath with a plastic crab or cry with tiredness at 3am with a non-sleeping baby and he has not seen her body change with pregnancy, etc -I just can't compete. Does anyone else have an equivalent and does it still bother you also? I think I probably just can't see the wood for the pregnancy hormones here, right?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Mon 12-Sep-16 21:23:29

Why do you think she's "the one that got away"? Does your DH think so?

Oly5 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:23:43

Yes you're being silly.
You should be grateful to this woman for dumping your DH so
You could scoop him up and have this wonderful baby with him!!
You've lucked out here.
Her? Not so much 😀
Your DH clearly loves you. You are being neurotic about nothing as far as I can see!

AnnaMarlowe Mon 12-Sep-16 21:25:07

She hurt him.

She didn't love him.

He chose you. He loves you.

Boundaries Mon 12-Sep-16 21:27:44

No, Last, he hasn't seen her fish his child's poo out of the bath, seen her body change whilst growing a child or been beside her in the depths of newborn exhaustion.

I think you'll find it is her would cannot compete with that.

WannaBe Mon 12-Sep-16 21:28:43

Yanbu to feel the way you do. I read a thread on here recently where posters were talking about their one that got away, and TBH I was a bit hmm given the fact all these posters now have husbands and children and were nostalgically thinking back to those first loves etc, in fact iirc someone questioned how they thought their DH's might feel if they knew.

But reality is that he has chosen to be with you, and there is, as far as you say, no chemistry between them or notions of longing back to what might have been. So while you might feel a bit unsettled and insecure, especially now while you're feeling particularly hormonal, he doesn't appear to be longing for her in the same way as you think he might be.

Just hold on to what you have, and remember that it's you he's with.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 12-Sep-16 21:29:08

He thought he might have married her, but he actually married you.

She hurt him so badly it ended, you didn't.

And if they were at the point of talking about marriage he will have seen her on the toilet, pissed and crying about her insecurities, picking her nose, slobbed out on the couch with a hot water bottle eating chocolate and being moody because he looked at her funny.......

She is a human being with faults and flaws like the rest of us, you are his wife and the mother of his child, you have nothing to worry about.

it's Ok to imagine her with tonnes of spots or hobbit feet though grin

MothersGrim Mon 12-Sep-16 21:30:55

Aww boundaries that is very sweet! What a lovely way of looking at it. star

roundandroundthehouses Mon 12-Sep-16 21:32:47

Well, if your dh happens to be a shallow arsehole, you might have a point. But assuming you don't think that - my vote is with the pregnancy hormones. That's not even a bad thing, apart from the anxiety that it's putting you through just now. It's because all your instincts are geared towards bonding your little family tightly together. Yeah, maybe she's good-looking, but she isn't the mother of his children, is she? Shiny hair and a well-slept complexion aren't going to look after his precious baby in the middle of the night - and if he's any kind of man at all, that'll be what matters to him.

LastnightIdreamed Mon 12-Sep-16 21:35:20

Thank you, Boundaries - that was lovely of you. And Elsa, you're right - that must logically be true. DH told me last night that he knew now she wasn't perfect, even though he had thought at the time that she was. Is it bad to hope she has hobbit feet? Mine are awful -it would seem only fair to even things up.

Damselindestress Mon 12-Sep-16 21:36:06

I understand you are upset but I think you are focusing on the downside. He also hasn't seen her grow and nurture his child. He chose you. There is no competition. You won.

228agreenend Mon 12-Sep-16 21:46:45

Everyone comes with baggage and history.

I think the pregnancy hormones are talking. As long as this woman (or your husband) has not done anything to warrant suspicion, then you should be fine. I can understand how having her in your circle of friends can be unsettling though.

Charley50 Mon 12-Sep-16 22:23:38

Sorry but your OP reminded me of the time I did a poo in the bath when I was 4 or 5. grin
Don't worry, pregnancy hormones make us feel very strange things.

QuimReaper Mon 12-Sep-16 22:32:42

I think if your DH has never made you feel second-best to her then it is definitely just the pregnancy hormones talking.

I know I was DH's "second choice" when we met, because for the first year that we were together he banged on about his ex and his broken heart constantly and conducted flirtations with döppelgangers hmm sad It was really difficult to deal with and crushed my self-esteem, and made me feel like a maniac. Just saying this because I really do sympathise, there's nothing quite like that particular form of unease.

BUT as I said, it sounds like your DH hasn't done anything to "foster" these feelings and neither has she, so although it's tough to have to see her at social events, you do need to remind yourself that your fears are everything to do with you and nothing to do with either of them.

60sname Mon 12-Sep-16 22:48:40

From the other side, my ex proposed to me, I declined because we weren't compatible enough and I eventually broke it off with him. I have absolutely no doubt that if he ever did consider me as the one that got away that feeling would have evaporated when he met his now wife, or the girlfriend after me. People move on.

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