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anyone else's DC a nightmare over homework?

(39 Posts)
Castasunder Mon 12-Sep-16 18:20:44

DD9 is an actual PITA when it comes to homework and always has been. She's of average ability and finds some subjects difficult, but I guess her biggest issue is attitude- she will always always do the minimum of work she can get away with and this is the same in class. Homework can take 2-4 hours depending on how tricky she finds it but honestly, SO much of that time is taken up demanding help from me. The thing is though- offering help is never enough, she pushes, moans, whines and argues every point you make until you end up putting the very words in her mouth. If I ever actually sit beside her to help, I can see her change instantly from being slightly willing to get on with it independently, to completely relinquishing responsibly for herself. She asks me what to write, word for word. Even writing the date has title suddenly eludes her. Maths is a whole other ball game and there's practically a murder scene! She often strops to the point of throwing her arms and body over the table Kevin and Perry style until I just end up so stressed I have to leave the room. Sending her to work alone in her bedroom either results in her coming downstairs constantly to say she can't do it ( in tears) or she does it within 3 minutes with zero effort ( and it's usually wrong)
It's all behavioural I feel, rather than ability ( although that definitely plays a small part). Teacher says she does not behave like this in class but will certainly try to be a back seat learner if she can get away with it.

I've been in tears myself over Sunday afternoons wasted on homework. She creates such a circus over it all that I feel it hanging over us all week. The idea of several more years of this fills me with dread. AIBU to just not make her do it? I've always resisted this idea because it's what she wants - but selfishly, I can't hear our weekends being ruined like this! She's lovely btw- just a nightmare with homework.

Flanderspigeonmurderer Mon 12-Sep-16 18:25:42

Can you sit her down and set her a realistic time limit. Tell her she has X amount of time and after that, whatever she has produced is going in her school bag. Let her know that she can ask for your help if she wants it.
If she's happy to hand in work that is of poor quality then she can face the consequences herself.

Castasunder Mon 12-Sep-16 18:35:16

I guess there's a huge part of me that can't bear for her to hand in crap work or unfinished work- I feel this could be interpreted as her parents not caring about her education! ( silly I know)
School don't seem to bother about the state of her homework- I guess that's because it looks pretty much ok by the time I've stretched the both of us over some coals to bring it up to standard. They aren't aware of the effort it took to get it to that standard.
I could try the timer - yeah. I think I need to be 'OK' with what she will genuinely produce in that time .

Castasunder Mon 12-Sep-16 18:36:34

And offering help- it's just an invitation to follow me around the house whining or eventually screeching - honestly it's hellish.

redskytonight Mon 12-Sep-16 18:38:39

how old? I've stopped arguing with DS. His homework, his responsibility. If he wants help, I will give it, but I will not do his homework and I won't stay and help if he gives me attitude. I'm not going to say that his homework is now the best you've ever seen, but he generally manages to scrape the bare minimum acceptable and it keeps me calmer!

twinkletoedelephant Mon 12-Sep-16 18:39:57

Mine was like that - the school offered a homework club after school on one day By invitation only.

Dd us more than capable but would scream shout cry etc at the mention on maths homework.

It was a game changer!

I would check with the school to see if they offer anything like that.

bluebeck Mon 12-Sep-16 18:42:47

I've been in tears myself over Sunday afternoons wasted on homework. She creates such a circus over it all that I feel it hanging over us all week. The idea of several more years of this fills me with dread.

Life is too short for this shit.

Speak to the teacher. tell her what you are planning to do (leave DD to it) and tell her that you fully support any sanctions the teacher decides to take if homework is not done/incomplete/sub standard.

Tell DD this is what you have done. Explain you will help to clarify questions, signpost her to appropriate sources (BBC bitesize etc), read through the finished product but other than that, you won't be getting involved.

Then sit back.

SageMist Mon 12-Sep-16 18:43:59

I'm not sure if your DD is 9 or in year 9.
Anyway in my DDs school for year 9, they only wanted DD to spend 30 minutes per subject. If she didn't finish the homework in 30 minutes, they wanted to know. And as the weeks went on they expected her to increase the work she did in 30 minutes, and she did. It taught her to concentrate, and really helped come exam time.

123fushia Mon 12-Sep-16 18:46:08

Try backing off for a week and tell her that she will have to take in what she has done. Sometimes homework isn't looked at, sometimes teachers pull the child up for untidy, unfinished work so she will have to take the consequences.
Make sure that she has a space and a box with sharp pencils, pencil crayons, rubbers etc.
You could also speak to the teacher over the phone ( child doesn't need to know) and explain what your new approach is. If this is making you all so stressed it isn't worth it. Good Luck.

MsWorthington Mon 12-Sep-16 18:52:17

I agree with bluebeck . Talk to the teacher then tell your DD you'll help her clarify the task or find resources if necessary, but that's all you'll do, the actual work is down to her.

c3pu Mon 12-Sep-16 18:53:01

My eldest (10) is similar.

I send him off to do his homework, and he will make some totally half arsed effort with the absolute minimum of time/effort put into it. Sadly his mum let's him get away with it, but when he's with me I take it rather more seriously.

If it's a pile of crap I rub it out and make him do it again, and remind him about the standard of presentation the school and I expect.

He's slowly improving.

MuddlingMackem Mon 12-Sep-16 18:57:56

Does your DD's school do Golden Time on a Friday afternoon? My DC's prirmary do, and they have a policy that if homework isn't done (it's due to be handed in by Friday morning) the child has to lose their Golden Time to do their homework or their break time. Can you ask the teacher if it would be possible for your DD to do her homework at either of these times instead of at home?

FluffyWuffyFuckYou Mon 12-Sep-16 18:59:08

I had oe the same. Now he goes into another room by himself and can take all day about it, but he does nothing else until its done.
Getting ebtter by the day.

Thumbcat Mon 12-Sep-16 18:59:58

My DS aged 9 is the same. Spends more time moaning and being a drama queen than he does doing the bare minimum of homework. This school year I've started saying no screens from Friday after school until it's done and amazingly he now gets his act together much quicker.

cbigs Mon 12-Sep-16 19:02:36

Op I had this in spades I really do sympathies it's sooooo waring!! I now get their older brother to do it with them because basically it was playing up with me. Now they don't bother because he won't have it and he's not mum iyswim . Is there a grandparent or dad that could do it? Or the after school suggestion or during play time one is great.

cbigs Mon 12-Sep-16 19:06:33

Op I had this in spades I really do sympathies it's sooooo waring!! I now get their older brother to do it with them because basically it was playing up with me. Now they don't bother because he won't have it and he's not mum iyswim . Is there a grandparent or dad that could do it? Or the after school suggestion or during play time one is great.

Castasunder Mon 12-Sep-16 19:10:47

She's 9.

She does have a space of her own downstairs to do the work. I will stay and help if she's in a calm frame of mind and isn't giving me endless grief. I rarely stay though as she spills over eventually.
I think you're right that I'm gonna have to change my approach. If she behaved at school as she does at home over a piece of literacy or maths she'd be in serious trouble! Teachers have never reported such behaviour . It's like she's being tortured!grin

OutOfTime Mon 12-Sep-16 19:18:46

Sounds exactly like my dd. I backed off and said you take the consequences from school for not doing it. This backfired as it turned out there were none!! hmm
The new school teacher this year is much more strict with homework and I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow trying to juggle other DC and her meltdown over it.
The truth is she can do it just can't be arsed. I do understand I had no homework in primary and just played /relaxed when I got home, which is all she wants to do!
Dreading secondary!!

VenusRising Mon 12-Sep-16 19:29:00

Castasunder, can she read and count?
Does she know her tables and does she read independently?
Do you have an egg timer?

Have you access to an after school homework club?
When she sees other students cracking on with it, she might better understand that everyone is in the same boat and to stop messing about and moaning about it.

Could you tell the school she isn't to have any homework?
We did this for one term with our DD.
No biggie. Just broke the cycle of pain!

Think of the big picture. All of you need a quality of life.
One family member holding up the rest of you isn't fair or correct.
If she's doing ok and covering the essentials, maybe homework isn't going to be that important at this stage, so I wouldn't sweat it.

If she needs to do homework to reinforce the work she covered in school or if she's a lazy sod disinclined to get down to it and faffs around, get an egg timer, and start to limit her treats and screen time etc until she's completed her work.

In the big scheme of things, these homework sheets may not be important at all and aren't worth the hassle of nightly wars or weekends of dread.

Make sure your DD isn't thirsty or too tired- she could be dehydrated or over tired.
Make sure she's not eating too much refined carbs/ sugary stuff as well as that she drinking lots of water and has early nights.

Babynamechange Mon 12-Sep-16 19:38:33

Yes yes yes and yes! DS 8 can be a bit like this. I've taken to paying him if it's anything English related (maths is no problem). If that doesn't work I then have to threaten iPad removal. But honestly, he still doesn't usually actually do it until I've just about lost the will to live ;)

Witchend Mon 12-Sep-16 19:46:08

I can't imagine what your problem is:

For me I simply tell ds to get on with it and when I've told him the fiftieth time and removed his tablet and football he does it.
It usually only takes him about 10-20 minutes not including the two hour strop before hand when he complains that it's the wrong time, he doesn't understand and it'll take too long.
When it's over he smiles grimly and says that next week he definitely won't do his homework because it's a waste of time hopes that he gets more because it's such fun.
wink

Ilovewillow Mon 12-Sep-16 19:55:11

My daughter is 8 and enjoys homework but does require guidance. We have a box of stationery and all books, paper etc to reduce any getting up and wandering. I will run through the homework and we discuss what is expected. Our school states 30 minutes is the recommended time for each bit so we try to keep to that and I leave her to it. I go back periodically and check she is ok. I wouldn't be tolerating 2-4 hours. I would tell school want you are planning and ask for their support! Good luck!

StillNoInspiration Mon 12-Sep-16 20:02:35

Ask the teacher how long she is expected to spend on it. Then set a timer for that amount. Whatever she produces in that time she will have to present to the teacher. If it's unsatisfactory, she will have to face the consequences at school.

Tweennightmare Mon 12-Sep-16 20:16:23

I had one of those DD used to be a nightmare from about age 6 to 10 . I used to,dread the homework . If it was Big Write we could waste a whole afternoon with tears and tantrums (and that was just me!). To give you hope she grew out of it especially when she got to Senior school. Now aged 14 she is a dream at doing her homework. I agree with trying to get someone else to help supervise .Dd was a lot better if grandma or big brother helped her

honeylulu Mon 12-Sep-16 20:45:22

Yes! I think we've had more arguments about this than anything else. Sometimes all four members of our family have been either shouting or crying at once (toddler hates anyone else being upset).
It didn't help at all that we work FT so he'd get home from after school club or nanny at 6/7, have a meal and then the battle would begin when he (and we) were tired and emotional.
He's just started secondary and they have homework club after school every day for just £2 with a teacher to supervise if needed. OMG it is such a godsend! !!

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