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To not go to see dds teacher over this?

(44 Posts)
OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 16:23:52

Dd is very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. She prefers a gentle approach to discipline and is genuinely a lovely child so I very rarely have to tell her off.
One problem she does have is time keeping and she needs a rocket up her backside at times.
Today she came out if school very upset. She had been given a task at school and when she went to her table she was unsure of what to do and can be nervous putting her hand up so she just sat there for 15 minutes and did no work.
Teacher came over and shouted at her and dd burst out crying and just said she was unsure of her work and the teacher continued to shout and called her lazy.
My mum was there when she told us and thinks I should go and speak to the teacher because she thinks calling dd lazy will knock her confidence. I personally think that she may not have worded it very nicely but surely not a reason to go into the school?
The only thing I wasn't happy about was that dd was later awarded a team point for 'stopping making a fuss about being told off' and I think that was a bit odd but aibu to tell my mum she's being too protective?

EverySongbirdSays Mon 12-Sep-16 16:43:23

Hello Odd we miss you on Ninjas, come back

What perhaps it might be worth doing, is a non-confrontational

'Is she settling back well? Are there any issues? Is there more we could do at home?"

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 12-Sep-16 16:45:18

Err yes, I think you should speak to the teacher about namecalling! Teacher has a hmm attitude which really needs to be kept in check.

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 16:49:35

Yeah I do think the teacher went a bit ott but dd sitting doing no work for 15 minutes wasn't great and probably wasn't the first time she's been told. Absolutely agree though about the name calling but would have to go in and request a meeting as dd is in year 3 we don't see the teachers and I think it seems a bit much given the situation?

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 16:53:05

We have to request a meeting with teachers if anything needs to be discussed because we don't have any contact with them otherwise (with the exception of parents evening)
P.s I think you've got the wrong oddsocks everysongbird grin

EverySongbirdSays Mon 12-Sep-16 16:57:21

There's more than one OddSocks how confusing!

But yes, I'd broach the teacher and ask a few innocent sounding questions.

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 17:00:15

OK, will make the meeting then. Obviously only get one half of the story from dd too so would be helpful to hear why she got told off maybe there's more going on than dd has said.

Floggingmolly Mon 12-Sep-16 17:05:25

She'll have to learn to strike a balance between not taking criticism well, and being so nervous of asking the teacher a question that she'd sit doing nothing for 15 minutes!
Couldn't she see what the other children were doing?

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 17:17:30

That's what I asked, I said why didn't you ask one of your friends or put your hand up and she just said she didn't know.
I think the teacher was a bit out of line calling her lazy but dd probably needed speaking to about just sitting and doing nothing so I don't really want to make a huge deal over the wording of what she said.
My mum is really quite upset for dd and I can see why but surely not worth me going in and making an actual complaint.

Idefix Mon 12-Sep-16 17:23:24

A chat would be good idea I think, it sounds as thought your dd needs to be more proactive in asking for help. A good idea is to see what others are doing.

I think it may be worth wording the lazy comment wisely, did she call your dd lazy or did the teacher describe dds behaviour as lazy - obviously there is a bit of a difference there.

As for not taking criticism well this is something your dd is going to spend a lifetime dealing with and it may be worth exploring with dd how to handle this.

user1473282350 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:24:01

Maybe it was the fact she didn't ask that led to the lazy comment rather than the fact she had no work?

I don't know your DD, but any chance she took the easy option on this one because she didn't want to do the work? Maybe that is what the teacher was getting at. And maybe once she got on with it, got the work done and didn't sulk about the telling off, she was awarded the point for well, doing the right thing.

I wouldn't go and speak to the teacher unless it happened again. Then I would consider it.

What are you going to say to the teacher? Please don't tell me DD off and call her lazy when she's sitting their doing no work? I think your DD did need to be told that this is unacceptable!

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 12-Sep-16 17:28:47

Choosing not to do work for 15 mins is lazy, there's no excuse for it. It may well not be the first time it has happened, and a telling off was needed. How old is your daughter?

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Mon 12-Sep-16 17:30:20

The teacher was right to challenge your DD for not doing the work, but calling her "lazy" is OTT and not very professional, IMO. It sounds like the teacher knew they went overboard and gave the team point as a way of covering their guilt. It could have been handled better, but not enough for an arranged meeting. It's more something you'd have as a quick chat at the end of he day but as you've said that can't happen (my DD's school is the same!) perhaps a "how is she getting on / settling in" email will do?

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 12-Sep-16 17:32:46

Choosing not to do work for 15 mins is lazy, there's no excuse for it.

Yes there are, plenty of excuses (also known as reasons) for it. Is there and excuse for lack of imagination in adults?

CheeseCakeSunflowers Mon 12-Sep-16 17:32:48

I wouldn't speak to the teacher over this. If there were similar incidents in the future then that would be different.

youarenotkiddingme Mon 12-Sep-16 17:33:44

IT doesn't need to be confrontational.

You could just say you realise DD doesn't help herself and you are doing X y and z at home to help self confidence and ask how DD is getting on. Is she asking for help etc?

I'd judge your next response by what the teacher says.

If after saying that she replies along the lines DD is lazy you have more to go on if she agrees and says she's doing X y and z to support DD confidence you can agree to follow same things, say same things etc and review next half term or at parents evening.

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 17:34:53

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer I think you've hit the nail on the head that's exactly how I feel and I think the team point did seem like a bit of a guilt thing.
Like I said I don't really feel the need to go in and was just checking as my mum was pretty upset and thinks I should go in.
I will see how she settles over the next couple of weeks.
She's 7.

WindPowerRanger Mon 12-Sep-16 17:40:57

Grandmothers can be completely gung ho about their grandchildren! My mother is always telling us to complain/go in etc. Any minor issue at school, she turns into Steven Seagal. Make your own judgment about whether to say anything and how.

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 12-Sep-16 17:46:10

She had no business calling her lazy. Terrible for a teacher to say.

Your dd was afraid to ask for help.

My ds was the same way one year. He was afraid to ask about a math concept and it snowballed until he couldn't understand how to do any of the problems in a whole chapter. I didn't find out about it until I was helping him and looked through his notes they take at school. His notes made absolutely no sense! That's when I wrote the teacher a note (nicely) and also hunkered down with him on the whole chapter and put him in tutoring after school for a week at his teacher's suggestion and it got resolved. His online grade for that class was a 100!!! So I thought everything was fine and he didn't seem to need help with math homework. On the test he brought home was an F! I still have no idea how his grade we parents access online was 100. He got an A in math too, but he knew nothing. Bizarre!

Talk to the teacher and let her know that your dd was afraid to ask for help and it snowballed into the 15 minutes of terror of not knowing what to do.

Good luck op!

RiverTam Mon 12-Sep-16 17:46:11

It does seem rather OTT and hardly the way to increase her confidence.

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 12-Sep-16 17:48:08

The team point sounds like reinforcement of the teacher manipulating the students into thinking it's normal to never question and to accept a tongue lashing from a teacher no matter what.

Also, your dd is only seven. She was simply afraid to ask for help. The teacher has no clue on how to teach. In my opinion!

OddSocksandMuddyWellies Mon 12-Sep-16 17:51:06

Thanks everyone, loads of good advice. Will see how she gets on over the next couple if weeks and go from there.

t4nut Mon 12-Sep-16 17:53:02

Rule number one as parents we should all know well by now:

DO NOT ACCEPT THE STORY WITHOUT INDEPTH QUESTIONING!

If you go tearing there saying child x says you were mean and shouted and called her lazy there is a 99.99% chance that what actually happened was entirely different. And then you look silly and get flagged as 'that parent' for the rest of the year.

mummyto2monkeys Mon 12-Sep-16 18:00:49

How old is your dd? I would be approaching school, if an adult in authority (say manager at work) shouted at an adult work colleague in front of other staff and called them lazy, we would call it unprofessional.

It sounds like your daughter struggles with sequencing events, as well as a problem with processing instructions. My son is nine and autistic and really struggles with both of these processes. Your daughters teacher should be asking why your daughter is confused and too scared to raise her hand for confirmation! However the glimpse into the teachers 'style' tells me that the teacher is not the most approachable, it also makes me wonder if your daughter is frightened of being shouted at!

There are lots of different ways to help your daughter. Her teacher should break tasks down into individual steps for her, depending on age this could take the form of a picture schedule with first and then steps built in. You could adapt to this at home, to help your daughter to organise herself more efficiently.

You say that your daughter is sensitive, am I right in thinking that she is sensitive to loud noises, strong smells, changes in routine and touch? If I am right then it sounds like she has sensory sensitivities which often run alongside issues with executive function and processing issues. Does your daughter struggle socially? There are two routes you could look into, firstly you could look into a book called 'the highly sensitive child', secondly is to look into the possibility that your daughter may be on the autism spectrum. Girls present very differently to boys and are very much followers of rules, who would never dream of doing anything wrong, for fear of getting into trouble. They are much better at masking their social deficits via watching their peers closely and mimicking their behaviour. This strategy tends to see them well until they hit their tween/ teenage years when it becomes much more obvious that they struggle socially. The National Autistic Society is a great place to find information and advice on how autism presents and seeking a diagnosis. Unfortunately it can be difficult to get a diagnosis for girls as the assessments created to identify autism, were created based on the presentation of autism in boys.

Of course I could be sharing this information unnecessarily. Whether or not my advice is relevant, I think it is very important to speak to your daughters teacher. Explain the sensitivities that your daughter has, it's still relatively early into the school year and it may be that your daughters teacher is not aware of your daughter, of her difficulties and of how sensitive she is. To be honest there was no excuse for shouting at your daughter like that, a good teacher shouldn't need to raise her voice, particularly to a quiet sensitive child like your daughter. As an ex primary teacher (now home educating my own child) myself, there are times when children push your buttons, I have watched teachers reduced to tears by difficult classes (as a student) and teachers so furious that they shout at the whole class in outrage. But this situation did not warrant shouting or name calling, do be open to hearing both sides though. Don't go in all guns blazing, a request for a quiet word/ call after school to discuss your daughter returning home upset is a good approach. It may be that the teacher had a quiet word but that your daughter was so ashamed that she felt like the whole class was watching and like she was being called lazy. There is always a second side to any story.

LittlePaintBox Mon 12-Sep-16 18:00:53

It's worth getting to the bottom of what happened, however you do it. Calling a child 'lazy' is not on, obviously there was a problem but it's down to the teacher to make sure everyone is on task at that age.

I think it would be an idea to find out if this is an ongoing problem. My older son frequently used to forget instructions or forget what he was doing, and eventually this turned out to be a part of dyslexia. Once his teachers knew what they were dealing with they were able to make sure he understood and remembered what he was doing.

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