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to not tell me ex about a school move

(12 Posts)
ncforthisone1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:03:21

I left my ex and went to a refuge. By some stupidity and a loophole any injunctions etc weren't renewed (I was far away therefore no need for injunction which meant he could take my dc one day and make me go to court to gain the marital home back and therefore my dc) (long story)
Anyway since then he's like a thorn in my side. He will pick and choose whether to see dc or not but if I'm late he hands me the court order with the times highlighted. Never attended a parents evening but demands to be on the school records to monitor my lateness/absences etc. As per my other thread he even demanded to know why he didn't know I was pregnant (left 5 years ago and I'm remarried and he doesn't pay anything above minimum csa so I'm independent of him in every other way - no spouse support etc.)
Anyway I moved schools for the dc - he's never been to their current one in 5 years , has zero involvement in school life like home works, uniforms, exam preparation etc. He even refused to take one dc to their 11+ this weekend so I had to, even though it was "his" weekend.
So I didn't tell him they have changed school but someone he found out (I don't have facebook or anything similar) so now I'm getting the barrage of messages.
Aibu not to tell him? He only will use it to spy on me, not actually for anything positive. When I moved house he was demanding all sorts like did I rent or buy - just invading my privacy. I'm in the process of starting up mediation to get rid of his visitation (a lot of issues surrounding it like letting them play 18+ games, not taking them to their weekend activities and then coming 24+ hours late or dropping them early at my work front door etc - whatever he can do to control me basically)
I'm trying to get rid of the control he has - was it really unreasonable to not tell him? confused

mmgirish Mon 12-Sep-16 14:11:10

That sounds awful. No good advice so sorry about that.

ncforthisone1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:24:14

Thanks smile
Now I'm trying to work out who told him.

Odd thing was I called my eldests school today about something unrelated and they had called my husband back instead of me but thought they were speaking to my ex. They were saying "shall we go ahead Mr (exs surname)" and my husband was trying to explain he had no idea what they were talking about and they should speak with me. Now I am thinking they have told my ex, as they are obviously phoning him behind my back hmm

mmgirish Mon 12-Sep-16 16:47:27

Maybe they aren't sure of who your child's guardians are? Go and see them and update your contact details.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 12-Sep-16 16:53:27

What was it they were wanting to go ahead with?

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 12-Sep-16 17:28:26


If your ex has PR, and his information has been passed on by the previous school, the current school has to by law forward any information requested by your Ex. If you want this to stop you will have to get a court order to stop the school from passing information on to him.

ncforthisone1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 18:47:44

No idea what they were wanting to go ahead with . My husband even said he had no idea what they were talking about and just said call me. But I was already speaking to them about something different, I think the timing was a coincidence (them calling my husband thinking it was my ex and me also waiting for a call back from them) because my reason wasn't something that could "go ahead" IYSWIM confused

Called the old school, they think on their details the new school has just copied whatever they sent (which is odd they didn't double check with me if it was up to date as I have the dad down as my husband but I was sent home info today excluding my husband but naming my ex (inc first name so no mistake). Now he has log in details to everything - timetables, parental info - the lot. I wouldn't care but it'll be used only to stalk me sad
Damage is done now though I think - he knows the school.

ncforthisone1234 Mon 12-Sep-16 22:20:24

My husband just told me something is "going ahead" on the 7th. He thought it was something I had called about but it's impossible as I was calling about 11+ exams which are on Thursday. My ex is doing something with dc and the school on the 7th which I know nothing about . I can't sleep now with my mind going round and round wondering what he's planning.

clam Mon 12-Sep-16 23:21:18

Erm, he's not actioning another change of schools is he?? I'd be getting in touch with their current new school and see if they know anything.

ncforthisone1234 Tue 13-Sep-16 16:19:10

He wasn't but he had approved the go ahead for an assessment for my DC (without my knowledge) and stipulated I was to be invoiced - £750. I was discussing this last year but they had started to organise it with him and I knew nothing more about it until they accidentally called my husband. He has now cancelled it because I said since he finalised it, he can pay. School didn't even bother to let me know until I called and asked. Now they say I cannot stop them contacting him , but it's like cat and mouse. He keeps trying to do things over my head that I know nothing about so I have to pay up or miss. He's never paid a penny in fees, somehow he's the main parent on the paperwork but never invoiced for the fees hmm

I found out today at the other school my husband and mum were removed as emergency contacts even. Why do that ???

fuzzywuzzy Tue 13-Sep-16 16:34:28

Write to the school send it recorded delivery, send it also by email cc in deputy head.

Tell the school you are the main contact as you are the childrens main carer (do you have any court orders showing this I'd enclose a copy) you pay the fees, they do not have permission to remove emergency contacts you have set up. If your ex wishes to add or remove is own emergency contacts they may. However they do not alter any records pertaining to you without your written consent.

Also stipulate if they make any arrangements involving costs with your ex husband they charge him, not you. Unless you have consented in writing.

State if they make arrangements involving any costs without your permission or knowledge you will not be paying as you are not liable for arrangements made by a third party.

State you are divorced, you fled from your ex with your children in fear of your safety and that you do not expect the school to release any personal information regarding you. They can give school reports etc to him upon request.

Say you are the main carer and as such you expect all communication regarding your children to come to you directly. Your ex will arrange seperately his own.

I'd be fuming.

Ask who made changes and why they saw fit to put your ex down as the main correspondence.

AmeliaJack Tue 13-Sep-16 16:40:37

I'd make an appointment to visit the Head and use Fuzzy's list of points as your discussion agenda.

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