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lost my temper with passive aggressive DSIS Was I U?

(9 Posts)
tundell Mon 12-Sep-16 12:02:24

Bit of a back story but my DSIS seems to have periods where she goes from phoning daily to complete radio silence. When you ask her whats wrong it is turned on you or she will say she is fine and you are imagining it only for her to attack you with something weeks later. Normally it is a comment that has been made that she has gone off and analysed and made it into a huge problem. This has been incredibly hurtful over the years but I have never responded and normally end up apologising to keep the peace.

She is a single mum and I have really helped her over the years financially and emotionally to a point where me an DH have fallen out several times over the support I have given her either by way of money when we are struggling or phone-calls that last hours on end (DH thinks she takes responsibility for nothing and then runs to me for help and thinks I should deny this help) Recently I introduced her to a friend of a friend. He is a really nice man and I couldn't be happier for them. But she seems to be on a self sabotage mission and keeps questioning his intentions and getting herself worked up when he doesn't text. I have spent hours (and I mean hours) talking to her and showing as much support as I can, Even when her adult children expressed they were uncomfortable I sat for 3 hours while she cried on the phone.

Anyway she started to go radio silent again. I would text to see how she was and would get yes fine thanks answers and that was that. My DS has been quite ill for a few weeks now and normally she would phone/text daily to see how he is but there has been nothing!! It has gone on for weeks. So from past experience I knew she must have an issue with me but had no idea what!!

I ended up getting really upset and telling her how she had made me feel and that I did not want her phoning me for support if she was to continue playing these games and couldn't show an interest in my DS when I really needed someone to speak to about my fears for him. Her reply shocked me. She said that I have never been happy for her and that I am attention seeking and I am not considering that she has stuff going on too. (stuff that she would normally call me and talk about and I have given her plenty of opportunity to talk about)

So it has been left with me telling her to f**k off.

I am so upset but feel that I cant keep allowing her to zap me emotionally only to turn on me.

My DH's opinion is that this is part of her self sabotage so that if things do go wrong in her new relationship then she can say "well no-one was happy for me anyway so it all went wrong" type thing.

I do not know - Should I try to mend this or walk away?

Elllicam Mon 12-Sep-16 12:05:03

I think I would let her make the first move. She sounds like an absolute taker.

HarryPottersMagicWand Mon 12-Sep-16 12:05:48

Your DH is right. You can't change her. You know this is how she is so don't engage with it. She sounds like a user, only wants you to give her the audience she needs for her petty dramas.

Would you put up with this from a friend? You don't have to put up with it because you are related.

Iflyaway Mon 12-Sep-16 12:14:56

I sat for 3 hours while she cried on the phone.

WTF? 3 hours??! I'd be telling her after 10 minutes or less I've got to ring off now cos I've got stuff to do.

Stop pandering to her. She's using you to spew her shit at. Don't let her get you overinvolved in her life and moaning.

I'm with your DH on this. And especially if she's actually coming between the two of you if you're getting into arguments about it. She's not worth it!!

Good luck.

winterinmadeira Mon 12-Sep-16 12:18:42

No you don't need to fix it. It sounds ds as though you have been truly supportive over many years. Just because she's your sister doesn't give her a right to treat you like this. Would you let anyone else treat you like this? And if it happened what would you do?

tundell Mon 12-Sep-16 12:22:40

No I def wouldn't put up with this from a friend.

I feel I should walk away but the trouble is my whole family are passive aggressive in that they treat problems with giving the silent treatment. I am a confronter and have to face issues there and then. If someone says something that upsets me I will say it straight away and then I get over it. I cant stand sulking. But this means that the whole family then react with "oh look she is kicking off again " type thing!! (and then give me the silent treatment anyway)

Dont get me wrong it happens rarely and my family are really lovely but it is the way they respond to problems and I find this very difficult to deal with.

It means I am often seen as the attention seeker in the family or the one most likely to kick off and it does make me second guess myself in situations like this when I feel like something needs to be said. It is probably also the reason I have let my DSIS do this to me so often too!

CitizenBloom Mon 12-Sep-16 12:24:52

Honestly, OP, you are enabling her selfish, drama queen behaviour, and have been doing for years. She's not your job to fix, and you are in fact, by apologising, endlessly suporting, and being an emotional punchbag, encouraging her to continue this way by rewarding poor behaviour, and allowing her to feel that hers has no consequences.

Look at your own behaviour and ask yourself why you have let things get to this pass - what has been in it for you? Do you need to feel needed, and unconsciously feel better when someone else's life is bad and needs your help? Is part of you unconsciously addicted to the up-and-down excitement of 'she loves me/she hates me'?

The best thing you can probably do for her and you at this stage is to cut right down on contact, and stop letting yourself be used as an emotional punchbag, and work on whatever compulsions in your own inner life have led to you choosing - choosing - to regularly take three hours out of your own life to listen to someone moan.

user1467393664 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:31:32

From past experience she will keep taking all your time and energy for little to no thank you or consideration for your life or mental health. She is toxic.

You can continue to endure the periodic radio silence and then the backlash, then giving her support until next cycle or you can just stop being there to help.

I have someone very similar in my life with the same cycle. Majority of the time it would be something someone else said that would set of the radio silence to me. Not anything I've said or done. Almost like they can't compartmentalize their feels and lash out at those nearest and dearest. But accepting this behavior you are enabling her. It's telling that her DC look to have taken a step back.

I'd analyse what you get out of the relationship if anything and decide if you need this person in your life.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 12-Sep-16 12:54:34

This is a woman with ADULT children, right? Just thought i'd check, as she sounds about 13.

Listen to your husband, he is right stop letting her drain you dry.

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