Is she accusing my daughter

(51 Posts)
fizzingmum Mon 12-Sep-16 09:26:37

Back story, DD9 has been attending a local
Gymnastics class. The teacher very quickly
Singled her out as being quite talented. She suggested that she could train to competition standard. However this is not available locally. The teacher travels to a city about 45 mins away every Sunday and teaches there for 6 hours. The teacher takes another local girl and offered to take DD9 also. I have other children so couldn't commit myself to take her and this arrangement was fine and working. We drop her around 9am at the teachers house with a packed lunch and pick her up around 5pm. Whenever I have dropped her off/picked her up there has been a group of kids knocking around her house. Around 12-14 years old and being borderline anti-social. Fighting with each other and kicking doors, for sale signs etc. I wait in my car with the doors locked for my Daughter to arrive back. This is relevant.
Yesterday they arrived back a little early and EXP was picking her up. When he arrived they were waiting outside. This morning I have had a text from gymnastics teacher:
"Hi Fizzing. I'm very sorry for this text. My husband couldn't find his wallet from yesterday. He knew definitely where he left. I don't think anything bad, but I would like just ask you. Maybe when "DD" left my house it was accidentally dropped down into her backpack ? Could you have a look please. Sorry for this again...xx"
I'm furious and don't know if IABU? It sounds like an accusation yet I am sure she feels awkward asking. My daughter would never take anything. It is more likely
One of the anti social kids that are at her house daily. I have said I will look in my answer to her, but don't know what to do next. DD loves going and I know if I ask her anything about it, she would be put off going and give up gymnastics. But it's is also very awkward now. EXP has checked anyway and confirmed its not there. I haven't text her back yet other than to say I will look. Should I wait until the end of the day and hope that it turns up and she lets me know? Any advice on how to handle this? I am too upset to see the situation clearly. AIBU to be upset or did she have to ask? Thanks in advance

Lj8893 Mon 12-Sep-16 09:29:48

I don't think it sounds like an accusation, just that she's looked everywhere and just wants to check all possibilitys. She's clearly made an effort with the text to make sure she knows it would have been an accident!

Lj8893 Mon 12-Sep-16 09:30:29

I would text her back to say you have looked and it's not there, hope she finds it soon!

confusedandemployed Mon 12-Sep-16 09:30:49

I think yabu to be honest. Her DH haso lost his wallet. It makes sense to check every possibility. How do you know she hasn't also asked these other kids?

I would just treat it as any other request, check myself and ask DD then respond. Doesn't need to be a big deal.

Minisoksmakehardwork Mon 12-Sep-16 09:31:35

She clearly feels as bad asking as its a very clumsy text. Try not to read it as an accusation but a 'I'm really sorry has dh's wallet accidentally ended up in dd's bag, he can't find it".

Of course she has to ask as they're probably going through every bag and place they've used/been since he last had it.

I'd think how you would feel if a whole troop of people had been in and out of your house all day when your purse had gone missing. You'd likely feel equally as bad about asking everyone to check their things but you would do it nonetheless.

Floralnomad Mon 12-Sep-16 09:33:27

I don't think it sounds like an accusation , it's a question . Are these older children actually in her house or just hanging about in the street because I can't see why they are relevant if they are outside .

Gizlotsmum Mon 12-Sep-16 09:34:08

I would look, doesn't sound like an accusation, more she has exhausted all her other options

TippiNoodlegruder Mon 12-Sep-16 09:34:57

I'm on the fence. On one hand, you have no reason not to take it at face value. They probably feel absolutely awful having to text in case you feel like it's an accusation, but have to cover all bases before going through all the shit of cancelling cards etc.

On the other, that text is pretty much exactly what people here are advised to send when they DO suspect someone of taking something.

fizzingmum Mon 12-Sep-16 09:35:23

Thanks for the responses. I genuinely couldn't decide if it was an accusation. The children are her son and his friends so yes they are in the house at times.

reallyanotherone Mon 12-Sep-16 09:35:31

I don't think she's accusing your dd, i think she's simply asking you to check in case its's been accidentally picked up.

What I would be worried about is that a teacher in a position of authority, regularly having your child to her house and taking her in her car is a safeguarding question mark.

Gazelda Mon 12-Sep-16 09:35:40

I agree that you are mis-reading the message. He's lost his wallet and going through all possibilities to find it.
Speak to your DD later and say "oh no, X has lost his wallet. He's frantically checking everywhere. Let's just check your bag to make sure it didn't drop in there". If you don't make it sound accusatory, then your DD won't take it that way.

NataliaOsipova Mon 12-Sep-16 09:35:50

I think she knows who has taken it (ie not your DD) and is jumping through all the hoops so she can say to them that she's asked everyone else who has been there. As Lj8893 says, it seems very deliberately worded so it doesn't sound like she's accusing your DD. If you are concerned, reply back saying "Oh dear. We did look - not there - but just to clarify I can assure you that DD would never take something that wasn't hers". I can see why you're a bit miffed though - these things are always really awkward.

Swatsup Mon 12-Sep-16 09:36:03

I agree it sounds like all the bags, wallets etc are kept near each other and it could have been picked up by accident.

acasualobserver Mon 12-Sep-16 09:36:42

I would text her back to say you have looked and it's not there, hope she finds it soon!

Agree. Don't take offence when most likely none was intended.

ChicRock Mon 12-Sep-16 09:36:44

YABU. I'm sure she's sent the same text to everyone that has been in their house that day.

OliviaStabler Mon 12-Sep-16 09:38:18

Doesn't sound like an accusation to me. One of the antisocial kids could have easily thought it would be 'funny' to put thd wallet in someone else's bag so they might get into trouble.

ApocalypseSlough Mon 12-Sep-16 09:38:24

Please don't fly off the handle- I can feel your simmering through the screen. shock
Poor woman. She sounds dedicated and she's enabling your DD do something she couldn't do without her ferrying her around. Her DH probably moans about her being out all day and now they're both stressed and worried about the wallet. It was a agonised text- the number of times I've heard about cards a cancelled with much stress only for them to turn up later- she had to ask.

Thinkingblonde Mon 12-Sep-16 09:38:57

It could be she's asked others too, not just singled your daughter out. Reply to her and tell her you've looked and it's not there. The text from her sounds almost apologetic.

RaeSkywalker Mon 12-Sep-16 09:41:01

I don't think she's singled out your DD and I wouldn't be offended by this. Just reply and say you've had a look and it's definitely not there.

ClaudiaWankleman Mon 12-Sep-16 09:43:32

Look at it from her perspective - if she didn't also (politely) ask you whether you had it she could be accused of all sorts from the other children's parents. She has to cover all bases.

MsVestibule Mon 12-Sep-16 09:43:50

I can see why it would make your hackles rise, but she did have to ask. A breezy 'Oh no! I've checked DD's backpack and it definitely didn't fall in there, hope you find it soon' text is fine, then think no more about it,

imwithspud Mon 12-Sep-16 09:51:47

YABU, she clearly feels uncomfortable sending the text in the first place but she also needs to check every eventuality.

Just check for her and reply with the answer. No big deal.

fizzingmum Mon 12-Sep-16 09:52:15

I've replied with a polite text. "We have looked and it's not there, hope you find it soon. I lost my purse last week and it turned up ten minutes after I cancelled my cards!"

She has replied that cards have been cancelled and they are replacing the driving license. I will think no more about it. Thanks for the rationale Mumsnet. flowers

Daisygarden Mon 12-Sep-16 09:54:43

I don't see it as an accusation, she can't find it so she has likely texted the same to everyone. I doubt very much she'd think a 9 year old girl would steal someone's wallet! I would just text back "Had a look, it's definitely not there. Hope you find it".

Of more concern is the antisocial behaviour of the other kids. Who are they? Are they gym students too or what? Are they her older kids? Are they actually in her house or just knocking around the area? Yesterday presumably your DD was waiting outside where these antisocial kids were, I wouldn't like that. Did your DH see the older kids yesterday?

diddl Mon 12-Sep-16 09:54:56

Is it an open bag that something coukd easily drop into?

How does something "accidentally" find it's way into someone elses bag?

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