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Am I stealing her thunder

(73 Posts)
Safarichick Sun 11-Sep-16 20:13:50

I'm expecting baby number 2, has been a massive shock to me, we were definitely not planning. My DC1 is 13 months and we didn't want a baby until they were about 3.

I've decided I don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry knowing until a few weeks or at least my 12 week scan. I've told my mum and that's it. My DH told his parents today.

Here's the thing...SIL has tried for a baby for 11 years and has never succeeded until now. She is now 22 weeks gone with her first healthy pregnancy, of course everyone is over the moon for her. Mil asked if DH had told his sister yet and he said not yet. When we were saying goodbyes today with in laws mil said in a worried, shaky voice with a bit of a grin on her face 'yeah well you can be the one to tell her'. When I was pregnant last time she slipped into a depression because it was me and Not her, I could understand her pain at the time but it had a bad effect on her parents. But now she's pregnant herself and is over half way so I didn't get why mil was saying things in that tone. To top things off mil didn't even say congratulations, she said most things like you'll have your hands full and asked how far gone I was etc, but not the normal congrats or I'm happy for you escaped her mouth. Fil did say how pleased he was for us.

My mum said we shouldn't tell SIL for another good few weeks as its stealing her thunder. I'm not in a desperate hurry to tell anyone and would rather wAit but DH wants to tell her. What do you think?

ButtfaceMiscreant Sun 11-Sep-16 20:16:34

I would wait until you would normally want to spread the news, and just do it as you would. It isn't like you planned it and even if you did, you can't keep your life on hold to keep others happy!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

JenniferYellowHat1980 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:17:26

I think it's biology and they should get a grip.

OhhBetty Sun 11-Sep-16 20:17:51

It's not stealing her thunder. Her baby will have another sibling to play with, how could she not think that was wonderful?

DeathStare Sun 11-Sep-16 20:21:04

I'd wait to tell her. If she's currently 22 weeks she'll have just had a scan and if she's been through infertility she might just be beginning to relax and enjoy her pregnancy. Let her have those few weeks of being the centre of attention and then tell her after your 12 week scan - especially since that suits you anyway.

But no you're not "stealing her thunder" and even if you were you didn't do it on purpose

panad317 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:24:15

First of all, congratulations!
This happened to us, but I got pregnant before SIL, they'd been trying for 4 years and we got pregnant straight away without telling anyone we were trying. We told everyone at 10 weeks, ILs were a bit pissed off with us that we "got there before them" which was a horrible feeling. Anyway, 5 weeks later, SIL announced that she was 5 weeks pregnant! Everyone was over the moon. She misscarried unfortunately but was pregnant again by the time I was 7 months gone. It's lovely sharing the experience with a SIL and our girls are the best of friends! We're both pregnant again now, 8 weeks apart this time!
Does your SIL have a good relationship with your DC?

WindInThePussyWillows Sun 11-Sep-16 20:25:19

My SIL was super precious when she was pregnant with DC3 and was really bitchy that her friend announced her pregnancy the same week as her hmm
She didn't speak to me for a week when I announced I was pregnant with twins a few hours before her DC3 arrived grin

StackladysMorphicResonator Sun 11-Sep-16 20:27:52

As someone going through infertility, I strongly suggest you wait until at least 12 weeks - let her have some time as the centre of attention, she's waited a very long time for this.

EveOnline2016 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:31:00

I would tell her asap. That way it's 22 weeks into her pregnancy.

I don't think she will give a damn, if I spent 11 years ttc and then I got pregnant all my focus would be on my own pregnancy

LellyMcKelly Sun 11-Sep-16 20:32:23

She might well be very pleased for you. Now that she is pregnant and quite far into her pregnancy, she has nothing to get upset about, and it's lovely that you will have little ones so close in age. I'd just tell her at the normal time, but maybe tell her in private in case things don't go as well as you hoped, so she has a little time to adjust. Ultimately, you can't hide it for very long anyway, and you're not stealing her thunder. It's ridiculous to have to manage your own fertility just to not offend someone. Showing up at her wedding in a white dress is stealing her thunder wink but not having a baby.

PotofGold1186 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:33:56

I suffered infertility but I don't understand how you could be stealing her thunder. If I was pregnant I wouldn't give a toss who else was pregnant! I don't understand the center of attention thing...I would be thrilled to have someone else to share it with!
Tell her when you like and ignore any petty behaviour. She's pregnant, great for her but also lovely that you are too!

MinonsMovie Sun 11-Sep-16 20:34:17

As someone going through infertility, I strongly suggest you wait until at least 12 weeks - let her have some time as the centre of attention, she's waited a very long time for this.

And as someone who hasn't, I also strongly suggest you wait until at least 12 weeks - let her have some time as the centre of attention, she's waited a very long time for this.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 11-Sep-16 20:34:53

Tell when you want and don't say not planned as if you've done something wrong and have to apologise. Your mil sounds like an immature bitch.

Congratulations.

Enidblyton1 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:38:52

How lovely that you'll have children of the same age - I don't think it's stealing thunder at all. Everyone will benefit from this smile
It sounds like your Mil is the one who feels it's stealing her thunder!! She'll have to get over it...

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 11-Sep-16 20:40:05

Harsh on the MIL going it sounds more like she's just scared of her DD being really upset/reacting badly, assume they supported her through a lot of hardships on the journey to here.

You shouldn't feel bad for living your lives though, her reaction may be negative or difficult but that is just life. Definitely wait till 12 weeks though then maybe DH could go and see her if they are close?

GoldFishFingerz Sun 11-Sep-16 20:43:04

I suffered with infertility. It's bloody heartbreaking and unbelievably painful. However I would tell her soon as she's in a better place now.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 11-Sep-16 20:43:12

I would just announce it in the timescale you usually would - eg after 12 wk scan when you see each other.

I've watch d a friend go through infertility and have seen her being heartbroken but she was also heartbroken when her own sister suffered a miscarriage.

There will be 3 cousins all within 20 months of age of each other and having grown up with that myself I can tell you this will be a great thing for all the DCs.

Liara Sun 11-Sep-16 20:44:03

I had many years of infertility. When I finally got pg, my sister who is many years younger and wasn't even in a relationship announced she was due on the same day as me within a week.

I was delighted. Given my history, there was a very good chance that my child would be an only child, and the fact that he would have a cousin of exactly the same age was fantastic news.

Lweji Sun 11-Sep-16 20:54:45

For me, it would be about whether I'd be prepared to tell her if anything went wrong or not.

BTW, I don't really get this thunder or being centre of attention thing. Certainly not for having a baby.

marie200 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:56:41

I was pretty much in the same position as you SIL will be. I tried for 6 years to get pregnant, and when I was 21 wks, my brother announced that his girlfriend of 3 months (!!!) was pregnant! Although now, it's so lovely that they are close in age, both are 5, but at the time, I did feel a bit put out I'm embarrassed to say! Totally irrational, but I thought I wanted the attention all for myself blush and didn't want to share it lol!!
Wait til you're 12wks, she'll be a lot further on and it might be a big deal, but in the end, it'll be lovely to have a cousins the same age.
Massive congratulations to you too! X

Olympiathequeen Sun 11-Sep-16 21:07:56

Wow. I never realised pregnancy was a contest!

If I was SIL I wouldn't feel in the least bothered. Surely having a longed for baby is what's important to her and not being the centre of attention?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sun 11-Sep-16 21:09:04

I don't get this centre of attention thing Me neither.

It could be great being pregnant at the same time. You can bond over your bumps and puffy ankles smile.

StripeyMonkey1 Sun 11-Sep-16 21:17:07

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Do people really care that much in pregnancy about being the centre of attention? It is nice of course when someone says something positive but beyond that I find it a bit weird.

In my case I needed ivf to have a baby and once pregnant would only have been pleased for anyone else who was lucky enough to be pregnant too. A friend had a second child around the time I had my twins and I found it helpful to have someone around who was going through the same baby stages as me. It wouldn't have occurred to me to feel put out.

You might well find that SIL is delighted for you!

Irisagogo Sun 11-Sep-16 21:17:52

Oh I had this, my sil ( who didn't even have a boyfriend, never mind ttc) was so envious when I was pregnant with number two that pil didn't even say congratulations ( DH and I were shocked/appalled)
When child was born sil was ranting down the phone because she hadn't been informed child was born but had read it on social media.
I told her to get a fucking grip, she was attempting to spoil a wonderful moment in our life. Her answer was that she wasn't pregnant....

Ignore the selfish twat and enjoy your pregnancy/ baby. She will realise what an idiot she has been.
Your In laws should be ashamed of themselves.

Barbadosgirl Sun 11-Sep-16 21:17:54

Olympia, it is not that it is a competition. Infertility is a bitch and, however irrational it can cut to the quick when someone in your life announces a pregnancy, especially when they seem to get pregnant with ease. That grief and pain doesn't necessarily get cured by your own pregnancy or child.

OP, it is very kind of you to think of her, especially when your pregnancy has not come along in your ideal circumstances. Just tell her when you are ready and congratulations.

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