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The way BIL and FIL did this?

(187 Posts)
Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:05:54

When DHs grandad died, about 5/6 years ago he left both his watches to BIL, no idea why not one each as he was close to both his grandsons.
One of the watches is an old Rolex and about 3 years ago BIL gave it to DH because he didn't want it/ had a brieghtling watch as his engagement present. No idea if that's how you spell it- apparently they are v v expensive. BIL is into flashy expensive stuff, whereas me and DH aren't, and saw it as a fair thing (both brothers get one of their grandads watches) and the fact it was a Rolex wasn't really a factor, more of an added bonus.

So fast forward 3 years and the Rolex didn't work anymore. DH doesn't wear it unless a special occasion such as a wedding so it wasn't high on our list to get sorted as we thought it would be expensive.

FIL was round and saw it on the side. He offered to take it to get it fixed. Or at least find out how much it would cost to get fixed. DH said yes and he took it. He made out he was doing us a favour.

Today FIL phones DH and says he's taken it in and it will cost £300. He knows we don't have £300 to spare. He must have talked to BIL about this because he then goes onto say BIL is paying to get it fixed and will then "have it back".

This has already been decided between BIL and FIL. FIL basically just rang to tell DH.

DH is putting on a brave front but I can tell he's hurt by this. I could tell he was upset straightaway as he went all quiet after he hung up.

Quick backstory: this isn't the first time FIL and BIL have decided stuff without talking to DH. DH is the younger brother and they constantly mock him for being disorganised and belittle him tbh. They are both in the same career field so have a lot in common. When all three go out for a drink DH has come back a bit low and subdued because all they've done is talk about work like he's not there. They don't ever say well done for DH work achievements, mock his DIY skills and never ever say anything positive. FIL "offered" to sell DH car for him whilst he's away for a v long time with work, after we've explained we don't want him to. DH was going to store his car at FILs whilst he's away and decided not to as his dad kept going on about selling it. They just do t listen or respect him. It's breaking my heart and now after this watch thing I'm getting angry and want to say something.

Sorry about the length of this, didn't want to drip feed.

AIBU or is their behaviour fair enough as the watch was official willed to BIL 5/6 years ago but gifted to DH 3 years ago?

LittleBearPad Sun 11-Sep-16 20:09:22

It seems likely that in taking the watch to be mended they have found out it's valuable and therefore BIL wants it.

They aren't behaving well bit DH needs to stand up to them if they are upsetting him.

Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:14:59

I hadn't even thought of that. DH did look up a general value when he first got it I think. Can watches go up in value? It's not about the money from our side, we wouldn't sell it even though we are skint because it's from DHs grandad. But his brother and dad might sadly.

OrangePeels Sun 11-Sep-16 20:20:16

DH needs to say he'd rather have it back and fix it in his own time.

Hadalifeonce Sun 11-Sep-16 20:21:10

I would thank FIL for his effort, ask him to bring the watch back, and say you will get it repaired at some point in the future, as DH wants to keep it, as it's all he has of his grandfather.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 11-Sep-16 20:26:25

Maybe they didn't like to see it stopped and unworn. I wear my dads watch and I hate to see it stopped because it feels very slightly like a living part of him, if you see what I mean.. Sounds silly.

They sound like arses in general though, would DH be able to try standing up for himself, asking for it back, offering to pay the repairs back in instalments maybe or tell BIL the repairs can be his Christmas/birthday present in perpetuity?

DeadGood Sun 11-Sep-16 20:28:35

Hmm. Tough one. There are things you can do (try to get the watch back, even go NC with the pair of them) but the real problem here is that they are making your husband sad. None of the solutions you will be offered here will change that.

In the short term, personally I would try to get the watch back. It will at least get that problem out of the way. Your husband could call his brother and say in neutral tones, "dad said you wanted Grandad's watch back - is that right? You gave it to me". Then say nothing and see what his brother says. Let him squirm. His brother clearly knows it's shitty of him to take it back (hence FIL acting as middleman) and is relying on your brother to roll over and say nothing.

In the longer term, I think the best your husband can do is protect himself. See his brother and his dad separately so he doesn't feel ganged up on. Do some things that build his confidence.

Poor chap. Hope you can sort it out. I'd be so sad on his behalf if I were you.

Paintedhandprints Sun 11-Sep-16 20:29:31

Unfortunately, if fil and bil have a history of belittling and not listening to your dh, I doubt they will bring it back. They probably found out its worth something.
Perhaps your dh can ask bil directly if he could have it back? Bil may not know the full story? Clutching at straws a bit here.
(Bit crap of gd to will both to bil, but thats by-the-by)
I would be wary of trusting either with anything like this again.

MatildaTheCat Sun 11-Sep-16 20:29:46

If it was given to dh then it belongs to him and if he wants to keep it he needs to say so now.

It can be fixed later when you have the funds. Don't forget to insure it.

BIWI Sun 11-Sep-16 20:31:23

You thank your FIL for getting the repair valued, say you want to think about it and do it in your own time and then ask for it back.

Trifleorbust Sun 11-Sep-16 20:31:54

He needs to calmly assert himself. "Thanks for offering but I would rather have it back and get it mended myself, as and when we have the money spare. It's more about the sentimental value than whether it works, for me."

Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:33:32

Great suggestions here thankyou. I'm god you think I'm being reasonable. I'm reading out the posts to DH. He's now minimising and saying it wasn't his anyway etc etc and it's not a big deal.

RandomMess Sun 11-Sep-16 20:35:11

Perhaps you DH should text both of them:

"BIL you GAVE that watch to me as a GIFT, it means a lot to me as it was granddad's. It is my watch and I want it back"

Doesn't sound like he's got anything to lose if it sours things sad

Trifleorbust Sun 11-Sep-16 20:37:04

He may just feel embarrassed that a) it wasn't willed to him and b) he can't afford to mend it at the moment. Neither negates the fact that his brother gifted it to him. He can't just take it back. That's theft.

Hockeydude Sun 11-Sep-16 20:38:55

What weird shitbags they sound like.

Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:40:20

He's saying it's not a big deal <sigh>

I think he's learnt over the years just to shut up and go along with them tbh. I feel like my hands are tied! My sister would never do something like this to me I just dont get it. DH was definitely upset at the time and mentioned it a few times today (we popped over to BILs for an hour. He had guests there and neither DH or BIL mentioned anything). They are a weird family

JinkxMonsoon Sun 11-Sep-16 20:42:58

Tricky one. I mean if your DH didn't really wear it and can't afford to mend it, I can see why paying for the repairs makes BIL feel like it's his again. It's a shame to keep a lovely Rolex forever in a drawer because it's broken, when it could be worn and used.

I totally get why DH is upset, and he's entitled to be upset. But the watch was kind of wasted on him.

Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:43:06

Just done a reverse with DH. Said to imagine my grandma left me and DS two rings and my mum takes the more expensive one, gifted to me by sister, in for a clean then gives it back to my sister. He agrees that wouldn't be fair but "that's your family not mine" bangs head against wall and pours a g&t

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:46:42

More than likely what has happened is when FIL handed in the watch, the person doing the service has more or less asked would he be interested in selling etc. knowing exactly it would be worth quite a bit but at the same time trying to remain calm and play it safe as to not alert FIL that it was worth more than what the fixing guy could fix.
I had this happen to me when I went in to have my ring resized, because of the jewellers constant questions about it and asking would I be up for selling it I did my own investigation on the worth of the ring and realised the jeweller was massively low balling me.
If your DH keeps quiet he's allowing them to continue their ways! He needs to use his voice and speak up for himself. Standing up for yourself doesn't always mean getting into a jeremy Kyle styled slanging match.
Your BIL & FIL sound like thunder cunts!

Memoires Sun 11-Sep-16 20:51:04

Of course it was his. His brother gave it to him and he wore it for 3 years. It is his. If he capitulates it will always be like this. Make one last stand, tell them that he wants it back and then don't ever let either of them take anything, borrow anything, look after anything or anything else.

ijustwannadance Sun 11-Sep-16 20:51:36

I too think he found out it's true re-sale value and snaffled it back quickly.

PotteringAlong Sun 11-Sep-16 20:54:27

Can definitely go up in value - a vintage Rolex could be worth about £5000 in working order so would be worth them getting it repaired. Tell your DH to stand up for himself!

EweAreHere Sun 11-Sep-16 20:56:36

Honestly, I wouldn't want people like that in my life, family or not. Life is too short to constantly be made to feel second best or not good enough by people who are supposed to be on your side in life.

Your husbands dad and brother aren't good people. Good people don't do this. I'd stop spending time with them.

Doublemint Sun 11-Sep-16 20:58:41

I honestly had not thought of the re-sell value angle. I'm shocked but it does make sense. DH is saying they're not like that. FIL isn't like that but I wouldn't put it past BIL.

And memoires amen to that! This is what I am sitting here saying to DH but he "doesn't want to cause a fuss".

I don't think there's much else I can do apart from getting DH to get advice from his mum (MIL and FIL are divorced). When we told her FIL was taking it to be cleaned she was shock and just said "make sure you get it back" when I explained.

DH won't see this is related to bigger issues. He's back tracking on how upset he said he was earlier and tbh it's pissing me off. He's a stronger man than this but not when it comes to his dad and brother.

DivorceBadger Sun 11-Sep-16 21:00:25

He gave it to your dh. It's his. I'd report it stolen

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