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Think that parenting has a massive effect on your adult relationships (and to be mightily annoyed by this.)

(11 Posts)
malificent7 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:04:06

Don't get me wrong, I love my dd but I was unprepared for how being a parent could affect my other relationships.

Take different parenting styles; right from the word go, whether you bottle feed or breast feed can determine who you gravitate towards at baby groups. Or whose parenting resonates best with yours.

Further on down the line I have had rows with friends if my dd fell out with their child (and if they didn't agree with my parenting style,)

I can hardly hang out with one of my best friends because our daughters don't get on and don't even get me started on my partner.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me and lovely to dd but she is rejecting of him as she wants her real 'dad' (who she has never met and who is horrid.) His anxiety was set off last night after dd had an epic hissy fit about something she didn't want to share with his dd.

I am now in a mood with one of my friends over something she said to my dd that wasn't very nice.

Then their are the lovely parents who I can hardly see as their kids are such hard work.

I can hardly have an adult conversation without being interrupted.

To cap it all off I have this feeling that it's all my fault as I am a shite mum who didn't reinforce sharing enough when dd was 2 as my mum was dying of cancer and I was preoccupied.
I am terrified of loosing all of my relationships, including that of my dd. I am getting resentful and snappy as I grieve my adult relationships. In return dd acts up and is clngy with me etc. I love her so much but I want other people in my life too. I don't want to fall out with people because of a bunch of kids.

malificent7 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:05:30

It's a vicious circle.

MinonsMovie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:09:07

flowers it sounds like there is a lot going on. YANBU, but you need some support to work out all these conflicting feelings and relationships.

malificent7 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:24:53

Thanks, I have been referred for family therapy etc. She told me she wants her 'real' dad again tonight. She's 8. He didn't even want me to keep her but has kept in very sporadic contact. Sometimes he replies to her emails. Sometimes not.. Very inconsistent.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 11-Sep-16 19:28:06

Oh dear-it sounds like a very difficult situation. Your partner needs to understand that she is a child and it's not personal-when she's older she'll hopefully think differently.
How long have you and your partner been together? Could she feel pushed out and be acting out because of it?

Tissunnyupnorth Sun 11-Sep-16 19:35:44

As soon as my kids hit primary school, I learnt very early on that it was v important to keep my friendships quite separate from my DC's friendships. Too many parents either gravitate towards other parents as their DC get on or dismiss those parents that their kids don't play with. IMHO this sort of behaviour only leads to the sort of situations you describe.

Sorry to hear about your DD's conflicted feelings with regards her biological dad, must be very difficult for you.

HeCantBeSerious Sun 11-Sep-16 19:37:59

Why do you think your daughter should be forced to share things with others? At 2 or 8? (I'm assuming it was something of hers?)

MinonsMovie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:43:53

malificent7 I'm so glad to read about your referral. This is a dark time between acknowledging a problem and the help starting, but there is light coming I promise.

In the meantime be kind to yourself, keep your inner voice in check, and allow yourself to make mistakes.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme Sun 11-Sep-16 19:50:28

They don't say it's the hardest job in the world for a parent you give give give and they take take eldest is an adult and how the time has goes quicker than you can imagin....take a deep breath and think in X amount of years they will of left home...the thought cheers me up immensely

MinonsMovie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:52:04

Also, as a practical suggestion, what about taking her to the library and choosing a novel to read together each evening. This is such a great bonding time and it's totally free. It's a time she knows she gets you all to herself, maybe even time to snuggle up for a cuddle while you read. She won't get more clingy from having guaranteed quality time, it will likely have the opposite effect.

Canyouforgiveher Sun 11-Sep-16 19:58:14

I also think you have had a lot going on in your life and your ex's inconsistent attitude isn't helping one bit. Glad you have a referral because I think your dd could really find it useful to explore her feelings about her father and maybe both of you learn some communication tricks. We did family therapy and I was amazed the difference it made to how we listen and communicate with each other.

Agree also with Tissunny at the beginning it was lovely to make friends with people whose children could play with mine but that rarely lasts.

And lots of 8 year olds have trouble sharing. As someone else said, be kind to yourself. Rearing children is hard work at times.

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