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To think im grieving too much

(18 Posts)
Theladyloriana Sun 11-Sep-16 05:04:02

I left my h around 9 months ago. We are still going through the process to work out shared care and finances. The relationship had completely broken down as far as I was concerned - no meaningful conversations, no affection, barely any sex, outright hostility much of the time and then terrible verbal abuse which has begun to be physical with horrible regularity.
The process of leaving was shocking to me, as I had to do it very quickly and there was police involvement because of the final straw. My kids are 6 and 1. I still cannot stop crying, as though my heart is literally broken with a pain as though sometimes is actually lodged inside my heart. Although I miss my home, being in a marriage, the possibility that things would improve, being in a family unit.... even though I left for my kids as I felt that bringing them up in this kind tension and abuse was wrong....I miss my kids so much when they are with h the pain of the loss is overwhelming. I feel like I have lost my arms, the absence is agonising. I never, ever expected to feel this way for this long. I thought I would get used to it, have a bit of my own time, see old friends, go back to myself after years of desperately trying to make my marriage work and keep the family together and happy. That failed so spectacularly, i can still barely socialise with old friends as I get to the how I've been or how I'm doing part of the conversation and I want to curl up and cry.
Missing the kids is the worst part of it all and I am going through this process to agree shared care and although I totally want my kids to have a wonderful, strong relationship with their dad, I just can't bear the thought of how much they will be away. We only live 5 mins from eachother but things are so bad with ex h it is not possible to see them on 'his' days and vice versa.
Surely my reaction is extreme? I have been to the docs, I am taking medication for anxiety (pregablin) and see a counsellor.
I don't want to be back living with my ex as it was dreadful but it almost seems better than not seeing my children. Has anyone been through similar? Is my reaction extreme? Has anything helped others cope? Thank you.

sofato5miles Sun 11-Sep-16 05:29:51

Sorry to hear you're in so mych pain. I am confused, where are the children? How often does he have them? How had the violence manifested itself?

My friend's ExDH attacked her ( she prosecuted and divorced him). He then went for 50/50 but my friend ( and the judge) felt that inappropriate. He gets them EOW.

From your post it sounds like your relationship ended in a very bad way.

sofato5miles Sun 11-Sep-16 05:36:21

I once had a voileny boyfriend ( no children). After 3 months i felt crazy and gave myself a time limit of 6 months before possibly going back to him. Of course, i came good and had met someone else as only 25 year olds can.

However, now i just consider that it was a temporary madness and i have no regrets, not one, about leaving. I consider the few months that i struggled after leaving with a dispassionate eye. Ultimately, by the end of my time with him i was so reliant on pleasing him to keep the status quo and it was a life of adrenalin that i think it was a cold turkey withdrawal issue.

Theladyloriana Sun 11-Sep-16 05:46:25

Thank you for your responses. The dc are with him now and he is not violent with them, but of course it is a terrible worry to think he can be emotionally abusive towards them.
I'd rather not go into specifics about how he was violent, as could be very identifying. Currently has them every other week end and a night during the week. Wants complete shared care. I'm in mediation with him and trying to sort things there but it's been hard. I'm sorry to hear you had a horrible experience but great that you moved on.

Vlier Sun 11-Sep-16 05:55:29

It will get better. It's just been nine months and you're not settled yet. Divorce is a major life event, it changes you.

I wasn't in the same situation as you but my break up (13 year EA relationship) was very very hard for me. I was severly depressed and didn't know what to do with myself. After about 1.5 years I started to feel better. I am now very happy.

Keep seeing the counseler. Keep going on. And a big hug from me.

Birdsgottafly Sun 11-Sep-16 06:03:06

I think that there's two seperate issues, getting over the lose of a serious relationship (that had lifelong goals attached) and missing your children.

I was Widowed and it's taken a long time to get over the lose of not only my DH, but also the life that I had planned out and the major life changes that can with the loss.

For years, I subconsciously didn't make anywhere I lived 'home'. I created a busy social life and studied as a Mature student. I just threw myself into 'life'.

I've since had an Emotiinally and physically abusive relationship. I found the links on the relationship board useful. I did as much reading about coming out of such a relationship, as possible. I've worked on my self esteem and got back into my old interests.

I don't know how you'd get past missing your children other than to get an interest and veiw the time away from them, as 'your' time.

Tbh, my Mum had my children, probably as much as your ex has yours and I enjoyed the break, but there's was no additional emotional stuff involved with them being with my Mum, in the way that there might be for you.

Tootoofunny Sun 11-Sep-16 06:05:09

I think you are grieving and it will take a long time.

there's more to it though if you're missing the kids when they're not there, that's normal to a certain extent, but I wonder how much is a legitimate fear for their wellbeing too?

Have you looked at the freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Theladyloriana Sun 11-Sep-16 06:36:00

Thank you so much for your posts. They made me cry. Vlier, what are the key factors in your happiness now? Have you met someone else, do you have animals, is your work especially satisfying?

Birdsgottafly I'm so sorry to hear of your bereavement. Yes, I am finding the loss of my life partner, with life goals attached devastating. It's the old story - it wasn't like it at first and it wasn't always awful at the end, but I loved him with all my heart, he was my best friend and the loss is so great. I'd probably still be with him now if it wasn't for the children, making a life out of trying to make him happy. And failing. I want to run back to when it was good and lovely and full of joy and warmth and peace and love. I miss that so much. Then I try to tell myself that all relationships are good till they're bad , and that relationship was particularly bad. It's separating out that it was a terrible relationship with that being my fault, that maybe I was miserable before, made him miserable, drove him to abusive behavior and I'm back to my default setting , misery. Which I don't think is true, but I just don't know any more.

Sorry for that epic side track. It felt better to really grieve him, us, our relationship, my love for him. To separate that from the loss of the kids. And separate that out to the loss of the family unit. If I feel all of this I wonder how my kids are really experiencing the loss? My son has been so brave, so accepting, so buoyant. He seems more settled than when we all lived in the same home, although he never witnessed the dv, he must have known on some level. He told me he needed a sticker to go on his hand that said 'don't miss mummy' when he was with dad and one for the other way around.
I never imagined it would be this hard.

Theladyloriana Sun 11-Sep-16 06:38:25

What I mean is - I thought the hardest part was leaving. I thought then everything would get better.

Theladyloriana Sun 11-Sep-16 06:41:34

Tootoofunny, yes I am worried for their well being. Not in the immediate sense but the drip drip of emotionally abusive parenting... IE , if you don't behave how I want I won't give you love.

I wish I didn't have to agree to shared care . I don't want to go through the pain of going to court to have a judge rule shared care anyway.

I will look at the link, thank you

Birdsgottafly Sun 11-Sep-16 06:44:56

""It's separating out that it was a terrible relationship with that being my fault, that maybe I was miserable before, made him miserable, drove him to abusive behavior and I'm back to my default setting , misery. Which I don't think is true, but I just don't know any more. ""

I'd use the time you have away from your children to work on this bit and 'finding' the new you. Read about Abusers and the cycle of abusive relationships, you'll learn that it wasn't you and it isn't even about who they're with, it's an eye opener.

We change when we have children, as we get older etc, that's what've mean about finding the 'new you', that's aside from your new emotional and physical freedom.

It took me a year of being out of my Abusivecrekationship, to suddenly realise that I've no need to feel anxious and stressed, because I'm not living under anyone else's rules/expectations.

Your DS just needs reassurance that it's fine to aknowledge that he misses you/his Dad when he's not with you.

Birdsgottafly Sun 11-Sep-16 06:49:26

""I wish I didn't have to agree to shared care . I don't want to go through the pain of going to court to have a judge rule shared care anyway. ""

Shared Care doesn't mean equal time. It's now recognised that children need to have a sense of a main home and not two places to reside.

You'll have to work through your youngest's development stages, she may go through a clingy stage and consistency is needed when she starts Nursery/School.

Don't be pushed into arrangements that aren't in your or your children's best interests because you think a Judge will rule against you anyway.

You can counteract any EA thrown at them by their Dad and from about eight, children can choose the amount of contact that they want.

positivity123 Sun 11-Sep-16 07:31:29

No advice but sending you a big hug. It sounds like you are finding it tough but I can not stress the point enough that you have done the right thing in leaving an abusive relationship. I hope that over time you can feel proud at your strength and courage. You deserve to be happy and overtime you will be so take each day at a time.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 11-Sep-16 09:11:48

We don't enter into marriage lightly as ee know it's a huge thing in our lives. Therefore it's a huge break to come out of it. That's totally understandable. Go easy on yourself. You are still in the traumatic part sorting everything out and dealing with your ex constantly. Use the time the children are away to get lots of rest, take up some exercise and meet friends. So your tank is full when they come back. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't put a time limit on it. Accept that you really miss your dc. That's normal. Bit by bit things will get better. But it is a very painful time right now.

Theladyloriana Tue 13-Sep-16 01:05:30

Thank you so much for your really helpful responses. Birdsgotta, its so true, I get a moment most days where I think, oh gosh I shouldn't have done that and then oh it's fine! He's gone! Which is slowly getting more liberating. I have taken legal advice but we are quite far into mediation and i have agreed shared care but I feel it is so wrong in my heart, no matter how much I try to rationalize why it would be good for me and the kids. I'm frightened to go to court and I'm frightened of my ex being angry with me. Any advice on this?
Positively, thank you. I appreciate the hug and the kind words.
June, thank you. Your words are very helpful and remind me I need to be strong and look after myself too.

RainbowDashstolemyidentity Tue 13-Sep-16 01:17:19

The pain you feel when your DCs aren't with you will get better in time, try to keep busy when they aren't there don't sit and wait for their return. As hard as it is life has to go on.
Sounds like you have done the right thing by leaving him & things will get easier flowers

KC225 Tue 13-Sep-16 01:27:29

I agree with Junethebirthdaygirl. You married thinking your life and future would be built with this man and it ended with you having to leave with a police escort in order to preserve your safety and sanity. You have been through the emotional wringer. Be kind to yourself. It's only natural to grieve for what would have / could have been different. There is no time limit for grieving. You take what you need. 9 months isn't that long in the great scheme of things. The medication and the counselling are all steps in the right direction but they may take a while to kick in. You know you have done the right thing for you and your children. One day the fog will clear and you will be standing proud. Good luck OP.

Hidingtonothing Tue 13-Sep-16 01:54:31

I don't think anyone can put a time limit on grief or recovery from an abusive relationship. It sounds like you're doing all the right things though so, simplistic as it sounds, I think you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and believe you will come out the other side.

Nine months really isn't much time to get used to your new 'normal', especially when it comes to being apart from your DC so it maybe wouldn't hurt to try and take the focus away from being 'OK' with it and 'over' the break up of your relationship just yet. Would it be better to just try to make each day bearable in whatever small ways you can? Feeling better probably won't come as one big release if you see what I mean, more like almost imperceptible progress day after day until one day you realise you feel markedly better.

Wrt mediation/court I think you should go with your gut, if you feel more equally shared care is wrong for your DC I would fight for what you think is right, better to try and fail than settle for something your instincts say is not right for them without speaking up and trying for what you think is best for them.

It's hard learning not to let fear of his anger control you anymore but it's part of the process and, providing you're safe, it's something you will have to do eventually. Getting this right for your DC is probably the best motivation you're ever going to have to break free of being afraid flowers

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